Tears of a Cow
I has to say, it really hurt me that anybody could read all my postings and describe what I has written as “oops got coffee, now I drunk” like it some juvenile frivolity to me and a disrespect to others who is struggling. Even though I mostly dead inside, I actual does know great empathy for other addicts. And I has make many efforts to describe my untenable battle with anhedonia and concurrent stimulant addiction, mania and alcohol addiction. I sorry if I get too ‘creative’ about it or allow my self to make fun of this insanity sometimes. If I did not have these few lighter attributes, which I actual like about my self and that make life survivable to me, I would has kill myself 20 year ago.
I did not intend for my journal to be frustrating roller-coaster of good intention follow by shameful, crushing failures, but that what happen, so I honest about it. Depth of my entanglement and failures is shocking to me. I thought many time about just disappearing, but that not gonna help me or anybody else who still has not yet find what they need to make it through. Is many day I feel that I just simply is ruined. Ruined. And that is end of my story. But I still wanna fight.
Anyways, I to maybe take break from forum for little bit. Go curl up and cry and feel misunderstood and sh*t. Anybody know way to Island of Misfit Drunks?
PS. I has experience great insights, encouragements, patience and the tough love, which I also need, from this forum and I have great respect for everybody here. Please not worry about Cow. I not emotional drinker so I not going off to brood and booze. I actual on a tiny bit of a sober streak, but I not gonna talk about it until it a little more substantial, cuz, well, see above paragraphs.