Welcome back!
We are all alcoholics here so we understand the love of alcohol. I had my first sip at 16 and couldn't get enough of the stuff. It just made me feel good. Now that I've gotten sober I realized that I felt bad when I wasn't drinking. Turns out there was a lot of other stuff going on in my head that I was trying to block out with the booze. In other words, I was self-medicating my problems away.
Took me a long time to realize that wasn't the best solution. My program of therapy and sobriety helped me understand there are many better options to help you make yourself feel better than destroying yourself through alcohol.
I've repeated this many times before and it's not necessarily the most popular thing to say, but I believe it to be the truth: you're not a bad person. Alcoholics carry around so much guilt because of the disease. But it is a disease. You're just a sick person who needs help to get better. Your help might be here at SR, through AA, AVRT, counselling, rehab, or whatever you decide. It is however your responsibility to get that help, much the same as a person suffering from any other illness has a responsibility to get treatment.
Thanks for coming back and posting an update. That requires a lot of courage that I personally didn't have. Reaching out here could be your first step on the road to recovery.
All the best, and take care of yourself!