421, How are you doing?
I just read this entire thread with interest this morning. Your husband is a lot like mine, who has always been a heavy pot smoker, but also took up drinking 10 years ago.
We just passed our 13th anniversary and I can honestly say I am ready to move on. I have been waiting for him to quit his bad habits all these years and he has not even cut down. And the abuse and anger are only getting worse. It took me a long time to really accept that he was not going to change. The weed smoking is not going to stop, the drinking is not going to stop, the abuse is not going to stop. He doesn't want to stop. He values his addictions more than his family. It took me a long time to accept that.
Like you, I kept seeing glimpses of the man I loved, and I kept hoping that that man would eventually come back...but he didn't. Instead, the childish, aggressive addict has taken over almost completely. This is the usual course of events if the person refuses to get help, I have learned.
I can see myself in your posts, as I was a while ago, desperately wanting something to change but not yet accepting that the necessary change might be our separation.
I know, it's so, so hard to give up, especially when you were very serious when you took your marriage vows. I always thought that when I got married, it would be for life. But I couldn't have foreseen what he has put us through. Life is full of surprises.