Mother of 3 and a AH pothead I'm FINE

Old 09-10-2012, 09:40 AM
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Unhappy Mother of 3 and a AH pothead I'm FINE

I am a Mom of three wonderfull kids and the wife of AH pothead. We were introdI am a Mom of three wonderful kids and the wife of AH pothead. We were introduced by non-using friends because we had like "hobbies". After we were married for a couple of years, we decided we wanted to start a family. We had many, many discussions about children, and what it meant to be responsible parents. We had friends who smoked pot in front of their children; we had friends who actually passed their infant son around the circle ahead of the joint so he wasn’t in the arms of someone who was smoking. That's healthy.

We decided and agreed (maybe I decided and agreed and didn't realize I was alone?) that we would not be that sort of parent. We would quit smoking pot and grow up, leave being kids to the children. When we discovered I was pregnant, I quit smoking pot (for good). He didn't. He agreed not to smoke before our child was in bed, to save it for the weekends etc.

I guess I chose to believe I was okay with our arrangement. I had to stop going over to our friend’s houses because they all smoked in their houses, and I wasn’t bringing my child into that. Soon though, our friends stopped coming to our house because I wouldn't let them smoke in our house or our garage anymore.

I was busy with our (now) two children and with my friends and their children. My AH was still coming out on weekends with us, and we were happy (weren't we?).

AH started spending more and more time away from the house. I started complaining that we never see him anymore, the kids barely know their father. Don't get me wrong here, he still spent a lot of time with us, but less than he used to. And more and more often the time he spends with us turns into a fight or an explosion of yelling.

After AH put a hole in the wall with his head, over what I can’t even remember now, I started calling for help. I thought he had an anger issue. By now he isn't spending any time at home at all, except to sleep. We had to sell our house because with three (now) kids in daycare and his habits we can't afford to stay. With all the stress I am losing my grip. On his way out the door to the baby's doctor's appointment I tell him to talk to the doctor about his anger issues or not to bother coming home to live with us.

He comes home with a script for SRI's for his "anger". Things are better - man I'M so glad I did that. He's no longer exploding at me for stupid things. We can go out in public without him yelling and cursing loudly in public over every little thing the kids do. I start to feel more relaxed.

Wait, things are sliding backwards. He's back to Mr. Grumpy. I send him back to the Dr. who doubles his meds. Things are good again. We move into our new house. So what if he has gotten a couple speeding tickets. Yes, he got caught with a joint at a ride check and that cost us a lot. ...but he won't do that again. Sure I have spent money on a lawyer for his mistakes - but things are better right?

The last few weeks have been pretty bad. He "lost" his meds and turned into a complete jerk. He has done nothing but explode at me, yell, leave the house in anger saying I am a b**** ad he has to spend all of his time out of the house because I won't stop. If I ask him to do something to help out he has to use the bathroom, needs a cigarette first, has a headache and needs to lie down. He can't get out of bed on weekends, and stays out at his buddies places until 2 in the morning. Our lives have completely stopped. I don’t have any friends left, the ones I had have stopped calling and coming around because all I can do is complain about him.

Although he is back on his meds, I think it is the drugs that are the reason he needs them. But he won't quit because "he's in constant pain". When I explain to him that medications prescribed by the doctor are covered by insurance and pot is not that has no effect. He just says that medication for pain just screws up his stomach. He needs to smoke pot.

We've just moved to a new town, my oldest has started in a new school, my children had settled into a new daycare. I am so stupid to have believed that things would be different when our money troubles were all done. Now I have a new mortgage, 3 kids who lives have been upside-down for over a year while we were selling our house and moving, no friends, no life, no way of getting around without AH since I can't drive and there is no public transportation.

Last weekend he said "I haven’t smoked anything in 3 days and I don't want to smoke anymore” Hallelujah! We're saved!

Friday he had a bag in his pocket and was right back to it again. So I guess he only quit until payday?

I don’t want to leave him; I don't want to kick him out. I don't want to be a single mother of 3. I don’t want him to be an addict. I don't want to be miserable anymore. I don't want to be humiliated and have to admit I made a mistake by marrying him. I don't want to be humiliated in public - grocery stores, restaurants etc. when he loses his cool and screams at me or the kids, curses and causes a scene. I don't want to move into the city so I can use public transportation - I don't like the city, I’ve lived there and I have no desire to raise children in the city - scares the heck out of me! I grew up in the country and that's where I want to be.

I'm scared - what if he never quits? I'm scared- what if I can't get my 5 year old to stop having bursts of anger and using the exact same phrases Daddy does? I'm scared - when I ask my 3 year old to pick up the toys I get "I need to poop" just like Daddy does when there's work to do. I'm scared - my 5 year old breaks the rules and when caught starts crying and insisting "I'm not lying! I'm not lying!!”

I’m fine – AH is good today. He’s in a good mood. He actually did a few things around the house. I’m fine – I can keep everything happy. I’m fine – I’ll just stop trying to get him to pitch in. I’m fine – I’M SUPERMOM and I can do it all it’s worth it because if I don’t push him he spends more time with us and then we’re a happy family.

I’mF.I.N.E.
(F***ed up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional)

uced by non-using friends because we had like "hobbies". After we were married for a coupld of years, we decided we wanted to start a family. We had many, many discussion about children, and what it meant to be responsible paretnts. We had friends who smoked pot in front of their children; we had friends who actually passed their infant son around the circle ahead of the joint so he wasn'T in the arms of someone who was smoking. That's healthy.

We decided and agreed (maybe I decided and agreed and didn't realize I was alone?) that we would not be that sort of parent. We would quit smoking pot and grow up, leave being kidsto the children. When we discovered I was pregnant, I quit smoking pot (for good). He didn't. He agreed not to smoke before our child was in bed, to save it for the weekends etc.

I guess I chose to believe I was okay with our arrangement. I had to stop going over to our firends houses because they all smoked in their houses, and I wasn'T bringing my child into that. Soon though, our friends stopped coming to our house because I wouldn't let them smoke in our house or our garage anymore.

I was busy with our (now) two children and with my friends and their children. My AH was still coming out on weekends with us, and we were happy (weren't we?).

AH started spending more and more time away frome the house. I started complaining that we never see him anymore, the kids barely know their fther. Don't get me wrong here, he still spent a lot of time with us, but less than he used to. And more and more often the time he spends with us turns into a fight or an explossion of yelling.

After AH put a hole in the wall with his head, over what I cn't even remember now, I started calling for help. I thought he had an anger issue. By now he isn't spending any time at home at all, except to sleep. We had to sell our house because with three (now) kids in daycare and his habbits we can't afford to stay. With all the stress I am losing my grip. On his way out the door to the baby's doctor's appointment I tel him to talk to the doctor about his anger issues or not to bother coming home to live with us.

He comes home with a scropt for SRI's for his "anger". Things are better - man I'M so glad I did that. He's no longer exploding at me for stupid things. We can go out in public without him yelling and curings loudly in public over every little thing the kids do. I start to feel more relaxed.

Wait, things are sliding backwards. He's back to Mr. Grumpy. I send him back to the Dr. who doubles his meds. Things are good again. We move into our new house. So what if he has gotten a couple speeding tickets. Yes, he got cuaght with a joint at a ride check and that cost us a lot. ...but he won't do that again. Sure I have spent money on a lawyer for his mistakes - but things arebetter right?

The last few weeks have been pretty bad. He "lost" his meds and turned into a complete jerk. He has done nothing but explode at me, yell, leave the house in anger saying I am a b**** ad he has to spend all of his time out of the house because I won't stop. If i ask him to do something to help out he has to use the bathroom, needs a cigarette first, has a headache and needs to lie down. He can't get out of bed on weekends, and stays out at his buddies places until 2 in the moring. Our lives have comletely stopped. I don'T have any friends left, the ones I had have stopped colling and coming around bcause all I can do is complain about him.
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Old 09-10-2012, 10:00 AM
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421,
Welcome to SR, I'm soo glad you found this site. You'll find much experience, strength and support here.

My son was the addict in my life, so I am not as familiar with having an addict spouse. Although . . . my father was an alcoholic and my ex-husband had outbursts of uncontrolled anger and unrealistic expectations of me and our children - abuses...

Why don't you drive? How soon can you remedy that? You need independence and AlAnon/NarAnon meetings. (In my humble opinion.)

Good luck and many others will be along to offer their support.
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Old 09-10-2012, 10:31 AM
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(not sure why this part didn't make it in the original post)

Although he is back on his meds, I think it is the drugs that are the reason he needs them. But he won't quit because "he's in constant pain". When I explain to him that medications prescribed by the doctor are covered by insurance and pot is not that has no effect. He just says that medication for pain just screws up his stomach. He needs to smoke pot.

We've just moved to a new town, my oldest has started in a new school, my children had settled into a new daycare. I am so stupid to have believed that things would be different when our money troubles were all done. Now I have a new mortgage, 3 kids who lives have been upside-down for over a year while we were selling our house and moving, no friends, no life, no way of getting around without AH since I can't drive and there is no public transportation.

Last weekend he said "I haven’t smoked anything in 3 days and I don't want to smoke anymore” Hallelujah! We're saved!

Friday he had a bag in his pocket and was right back to it again. So I guess he only quit until payday?

I don’t want to leave him; I don't want to kick him out. I don't want to be a single mother of 3. I don’t want him to be an addict. I don't want to be miserable anymore. I don't want to be humiliated and have to admit I made a mistake by marrying him. I don't want to be humiliated in public - grocery stores, restaurants etc. when he loses his cool and screams at me or the kids, curses and causes a scene. I don't want to move into the city so I can use public transportation - I don't like the city, I’ve lived there and I have no desire to raise children in the city - scares the heck out of me! I grew up in the country and that's where I want to be.

I'm scared - what if he never quits? I'm scared- what if I can't get my 5 year old to stop having bursts of anger and using the exact same phrases Daddy does? I'm scared - when I ask my 3 year old to pick up the toys I get "I need to poop" just like Daddy does when there's work to do. I'm scared - my 5 year old breaks the rules and when caught starts crying and insisting "I'm not lying! I'm not lying!!”

I’m fine – AH is good today. He’s in a good mood. He actually did a few things around the house. I’m fine – I can keep everything happy. I’m fine – I’ll just stop trying to get him to pitch in. I’m fine – I’M SUPERMOM and I can do it all it’s worth it because if I don’t push him he spends more time with us and then we’re a happy family.

I’mF.I.N.E.
(F***ed up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional)
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Old 09-10-2012, 10:33 AM
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There are no meetings near us. I can't drive because I am legally blind.
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Old 09-10-2012, 02:22 PM
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421,

I see all of the above did make it in your post - looks like it posted twice to me???? Who knows.

Wow, that is really tough that you are legally blind so cannot drive, I'm terribly sorry to hear that. There are on line meetings I think. I've never checked them out, I live in an area w/alot of meetings at different places, on different days, etc.

It sounds to me like you need to start making a plan to take care of yourself and your kids. What resources are available for counseling for you and your kids, who else can you call on for rides, how can you take the focus off your husband and put it back on the rest of the family (the participating members of the family?), etc. SR will be a very good resource for you, there are many experienced members here.

I will keep you in my thoughts.
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Old 09-10-2012, 02:29 PM
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Do you have a friend who could take you to your first meeting? At the meeting I attend, there are several women who aren't able to drive, and there are always people willing to volunteer to pick them up - the catch is you need to get to the first meeting to ask if there is anyone able to pick you up.
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Old 09-10-2012, 04:40 PM
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Hi 421, welcome. Sorry for what brings you here. I love your fine acronym. I told myself I was fine too, supermom, I denied/repressed my needs and soldiered on. As someone wrote to me in my first days on Sr, no matter how strong we are, no matter how much we think we can take, our babies absorb it all right through their skin.

Keep reading and posting. You will be amazed at how your mindset can change.
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Old 09-10-2012, 05:37 PM
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You can't cure him and you will burn out if you don't find a way to take care of yourself and put in place strong boundaries. Stick around there is a lot of good info here
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Old 09-11-2012, 04:59 AM
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I know my kids feel the stress in the house.

I tried something I read on one of the posts here - I stopped checking up on him, trying to find out if he's smoked, if he has anything on him.

He seems a lot happier and he's being very nice to everyone.

This isn't stopping him from smoking -- isn't this like sweeping the problem under the rug??
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Old 09-11-2012, 05:32 AM
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When you accept the fact that you cannot control HIS addiction, you let go of the illusion that all the checking, monitoring, questioning, peering into their eyes, etc. will change anything. You take the focus off the addict and put it back where it belongs: on you and your children. This is the beginning of detachment and it will restore you to sanity. As you continue taking care of yourself, what needs to be done next will become clear.

If you like to read, pick up Codependent No More by beattie. It changed my life.
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Old 09-11-2012, 06:48 AM
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I attempted to respond to your last post....not so sure if it worked or not!

Originally Posted by FourTwentyOne View Post
I know my kids feel the stress in the house.
I tried something I read on one of the posts here - I stopped checking up on him, trying to find out if he's smoked, if he has anything on him.

He seems a lot happier and he's being very nice to everyone.

This isn't stopping him from smoking -- isn't this like sweeping the problem under the rug??


It's soooo important that you protect them from as much insanity as possible. They are so innocent in all of this. It took me a long time to realize i was not helping my children by keeping their active father around just so i could say their father was around.



No, this is simply admitting that nothing you say or do is going to stop him from choosing to use. NOTHING!! No amount of begging, pleading, beeyatching, crying, inspecting, checking up on him....it's ALL a waste of precious time and energy you could spend on yourself and most importantly, your children! You cannot CHANGE OR CONTROL him!
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Old 09-11-2012, 06:57 AM
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Thinking of you. This is a good place to start.
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Old 09-12-2012, 06:55 AM
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So you are all saying I just . . . what - not try to get him to stay home and spend time with the kids? Let him come home, make a mess, not clean it up, go out with is friends and not be a father?

When he is around, since he started taking SRI's for his "anger issues" (which I am now thinking are side-effects, and wondering if he is also taking Oxy), he is good with the kids. He plays with them and he does take them to the park and stuff like that. Except for the last two weeks though, he hadn’t done that for quite some time, looking back now.

We were tied up with selling our house, having showings every weekend and having to get out of the house. He had taken a second job on the weekends to help make ends meet until the house sold. The first weekend he worked he made quite a lot of money the second weekend less, and then even less weekend for months. He told me he was making enough to cover his gas, and buy cigarettes for the week. Maybe he was still making really good money and just lying. ...

I hate not being able to trust him.

I hate the things that set him off and get him yelling at me. I hate not knowing if what I am about to say will change his mood. My father was like that - but my father wasn’t an addict, just a control freak LOL I never did know when to stop and always had to push just a little more until I got yelled at. I haven’t changed either. I can't keep my comments to myself when AH is doing something that makes me so angry! I guess I figure that he's going to end up in a bad mood about something anyways and I may as well vent my frustration and hope that something of what I say gets into his head, rather than keep quiet and have nothing change.

Nothing changes anyways. . Or does it?

I mean, two weekends ago I told him to pack his stuff and go if that's what he wanted, if his pot was more important than me and the kids, then just go. I meant it. He has started threatening me with a divorce when I really ride him about his attitude and habits. I told him I was tired of being threatened and I wasn’t taking it any more. Since then he has been nothing but nice to me and to the kids. He hadn’t yelled once I don’t think. Not even when the kids have been tired and whining and not helping to get ready for bed etc. The kids crying (or anyone crying really) usually sets him off.

I don’t know what to say about that. .... Is it a good sign that he has been watching his P''s and Q's?
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Old 09-12-2012, 10:35 AM
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Can you make him do what you want him to do? Can someone make you do what you don't want to do? Think about that, then ponder this . . .

How do you want to live your life - not "if my husband would behave like this I'd . . ." but how do you want to live your life?

You told him you were "tired of being threatened and weren't going to take it any more". What does that mean? Sounded like you were threatening him with something, what is it and are you willing to carry through with it? In my opinion, the "watching his P's and Q's" is only a temporary situation. What will you do when it ends?
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Old 08-20-2013, 08:30 AM
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Almost a year later. ..

I'm going to my first counselling session this week for family members. I have approached him with treatment options which he was not immediately opposed to. He's not running to the phone to make the call either though.

I'm back here for more help and support.
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Old 08-20-2013, 09:37 AM
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glad you came back.

Hope you stick around.

How are you doing???
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Old 08-20-2013, 09:49 AM
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Thanks

I have my good days, and bad ones. Lately AH has gotten into a cycle of not buying pot, because we are out of money, and then when payday comes, buying some and smoking it all in a day or two, and then not having any until payday again. During that time he is miserable and grumpy and easily annoyed. He does a lot of yelling, even in public places.

Just before payday arrives, he's started to calm down, he's sleeping instead of passing out, he can get himself up for work without me taking the covers off and harassing him for 20 minutes.

Recently I was straight with him and said I wanted to look into treatment options and he said that would be okay with him. I looked into treatment, got myself an appointment for support for family members, and gave him the number to call for screening to get some help. I can't make him go. That's pretty hard to accept.

I find myself drained, with too much to do with 3 kids and a full time job, housekeeping and trying to keep a grip on the finances. I'm lonely, I have mostly a roommate rather than a husband these days. He goes out most nights and comes in late. I came back here to try and find more people who understand my situation.

I want to know that it IS possible to recover, that AH can move on and come back and be the father and husband I know is still in there. I see him, every now and then, just before payday.
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Old 08-20-2013, 01:40 PM
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I think there is hope for your husband if he wants to quite some day.

A bit like going back to school. It is possible to go back to school,get a (new) diploma,
get a different job,etc. But is he interested?? Is it what he wants?

I remember spending hours researching treatment options and neglecting my little girl in order to do so; her dad was not interested in treatment. Or not ready. I left him a year ago.
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Old 08-20-2013, 04:12 PM
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Glad you came back and resurrected your original thread so that we can see a time lapsed picture!

You are taking some positive steps!! Go with it!! When we can't get someone else to do what we want them to do, we have the choice to continue to bang our heads against the wall trying to control them....OR......we can begin to take control of those things we do have control over.....ourselves. You're doing that! Good for you!

One of the toughest things I have had to realize in dealing with an addicted ex-husband and an addicted adult son is that I have choices.......and I don't always like the choices I have....but they are choices none the less. At some point in time (and this applies to me not necessarily to you) I had to face the fact that I had stopped being a victim and become a volunteer.

It is very hard to be in a relationship with someone who is in active addiction. When (or if) they choose to get clean and sober, there is a chance of having a good relationship. My AXH is still using 30 years after our divorce.....there is no chance at a relationship with him. None. He is angry and bitter and blames me for all that has gone wrong in his life. My son is currently clean and sober (nine months) and is a very different person from the person he was in active addiction.

Is there hope? Yes but my hope had to involve making myself better.....not making the people around me better.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 08-20-2013, 06:06 PM
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All I can say is this a healthy environment for the children? From your post it doesn't sound like it. What are gaining from this relationship? What example is he setting for his children? He is and will be their idol.

I can relate as my xah started smoking when he was 20. We married when he was 25. He was still smoking. We had a baby and he refused to stop He had to get high before the park, before watching a movie, before a trip...always the focus was him getting high in the garage while we waited. He would come out all spaced out and no fun to talk too. Meanwhile, I was responsible for taking care of my son. I remember going to the grocery store and coming home and it reeked. He had my son watch cartoons while he went and smoked weed. GROSS! Maybe your AH isn't doing it at home, but it still sounds like it is affecting your life and family.

My x continued to cocaine and abandoned us.

I suggest weighing out what are the consequences if you stay. My x's mom stayed with an alcoholic for 20 years. My x became and did exactly what his father became, but with drugs...exactly. She stayed because of religion, fear and the idea that "this was her family"
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