Hi everyone, not sure where to start here.. I'm really new to this environment and have felt stressed for a couple of weeks on what to do. I apologise in advance for any ignorance or inaccuracies on my part!!
I'm going to try and not make this really long and bore anyone, I really would appreciate some advice.
I only met my boyfriend around 4 months ago and we both totally fell in love! I'm 28 & he's 35 and we've both had similar mishaps in our love life etc. I thought I found the perfect guy until I just noticed more & more how much he drank. I would always bring a bottle round and he would have 1 ready and we would have a great night around 2/3 times a week. It's all new and fun in the 'honeymoon' period so I didn't think anything of it. But the more I came over, the more I realised this was an every night thing. And if I wasn't round and he phoned me, he would always be drunk.
One night he got nasty about something & I was shocked, so I confronted him about it (non-aggressively) the next morning and said I was quite worried that he might have a problem - and he agreed he drank too much. Thinking things would get better, things actually just got worse and we've suddenly had big rows which I would never have expected! He gets so defensive when I just try and tell him I'm upset. He tells me I'm being aggressive with my tone, when at the most my voice pitch is heightened as I'm about to cry! I don't shout or swear at him at all. I'm not perfect, 2/3 times recently when I've been drunk too I have gone mad!
We had another argument yesterday, he said he wasn't sure about me because of the recent rows and this really hurt me
I just quietly cried and said ok thinking it's over - and then I asked him what had I done wrong? I tried to be caring and help him and always considered him in everything I did. (Just things like cooking meals and picking up things from the shops etc). And then he shocked me and broke down crying saying he's sorry! He admitted he had a problem and I felt so sad for him.
Today was another story, thinking he would be open to talk about things he was completely defensive and said all I do is tell him he's a problem! I tried my best to say we have to both discuss things when we're upset and work together but he wouldn't have any of it. He said he was ending the conversation and would speak to me later.. as if it was all my fault! It was a long, miserable day and I called him in the evening - and 8pm and he's already drunk. I tried to be really careful and tactful and get him talking. He apologised and admitted that he does drink a lot and once he's had 1, he can't stop - but he's not an alcoholic. He told me he went to a few AA meetings in the past but they weren't for him. He even said that all of his past relationships have ended probably all because of his drinking.
So all I've done for the past 5 hours is research - and HFA best describes him. Oh, we also work together and not in a million years would anyone guess that he's a drinker! I'm a normal 9-5 worker but he works a shift pattern where he has loads of time off with not a lot to do..! I've told 2 of my girlfriends about this, they are both trying to help but think it will end in disaster..
I know that I love him enough to help him - even as a friend. I think it'll be a struggle but I want to try. I just don't know where to start!
He is also off with some friends on the weekend and they're all planning to get totally drunk and do as many drugs as possible. (He's also an avid weed smoker daily too but there'll be white stuff I'm sure).
So what do I do? He has so many signs with being defensive but I don't know how to talk to him without him thinking I'm being accusing or negative. I'm not supposed to be super nice and condone his behaviour to drink all weekend am I??
And should I just give up drinking when I'm with him? (I'm totally happy to do that, it wouldn't bother me). I normally stay up with him if I have stayed sober and try and drag him at bed at 2/3am! Should I just leave him and go by myself at a reasonable time?
I just don't know what level of support and being nice I should be so that I don't do the opposite and seem like I'm ignoring / encouraging the behaviour.
He has no family or friends close by and the ones i've met once, I really don't know them well enough to approach them about this.
Please, I hope someone can offer some advice.
I'm also very sorry how long this post has been!
Any help is appreciated x