Hi Pippi,
Your post really spoke to me. Not to comment on the mother aspect--but as to why someone would say something like that I found that for my friends to grasp how bad my situation was would undermine their own sense of stability and security. If my husband/situation was really that bad, and not my fault, it meant that they could also be vulnerable.
So yes, it seems crazy that she'd say these things to you--as if you hadn't already exhausted all your options--but my experience is that people do this a lot. It can make you feel nuts, and your reality discounted.
Just know that you are not alone!
Danae