Swimming Against the Current. Fighting my Own Mother.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Swimming Against the Current. Fighting my Own Mother.
It was inevitable but I feel like I failed, nonetheless.
My mother has been the biggest help to me at times. She is a lovely person. I don't want to go into her issues here. Suffice it to say they are substantial.
To skip to today, she is stressed about the financial disaster AH has put us into. Her instinctual response is to get me to get money from him, because he's got loads. I tried. Through the courts in both countries. 9 months of legal effort. Then constant emails from me and the children. Sometimes he promises to send something and does. Or doesn't. That intermittant chicken.
Until I get paid work the children have to eat. We aren't eligible to get public assistance because AH is a high income earner.
Anyway, I am trying to get paid work but in the meantime I have four dependent hungry people and no child support for two months. And no one to help me care for the children so I can get a job.
So today on the phone my mother started saying I have to get Stbxah to pay for the children's needs. As if I haven't done everything I can for the past year to do just that. As if it were in my control. As if he listens to reason. As if he's sober. As if he's decent and law-abiding.
I tried to say this and raised my voice in emphasis. Not anger.
She interrupted me and said, ' and is this how you talk to your husband?'
To which, yeah, I actually swore at my own mother, used the f--- word and hung up. And I don't know how I feel about my response to her except disappointed in myself.
I also cannot face what she said to me. She wants me to go back to him so that we have money to live. In spite of the violence, threats, and insanity.
The physical, emotional and financial abuse from stbxah is something I am still majorly adjusting to.
To be blamed for it by my family is quite another.
The good news is that I KNOW my 3 Cs. I know I was a really good wife. I was loving, loyal, thoughtful and present. I put my family first.
I don't know why others find it so easy to blame me. I start thinking if I were thinner, had a straighter nose, less hair, softer voice, milder disposition - I would be loved and my children would be cared for by our family and not just me. I would have won more child support and we would have help.
Sometimes I think the normal thing that the woman with the softspoken voice and straight nose would do is just give up. Then what would be would be.
But I am me with the untameable hair and I can't stop swimming upstream.
If I stop swimming won't we drown?
My mother has been the biggest help to me at times. She is a lovely person. I don't want to go into her issues here. Suffice it to say they are substantial.
To skip to today, she is stressed about the financial disaster AH has put us into. Her instinctual response is to get me to get money from him, because he's got loads. I tried. Through the courts in both countries. 9 months of legal effort. Then constant emails from me and the children. Sometimes he promises to send something and does. Or doesn't. That intermittant chicken.
Until I get paid work the children have to eat. We aren't eligible to get public assistance because AH is a high income earner.
Anyway, I am trying to get paid work but in the meantime I have four dependent hungry people and no child support for two months. And no one to help me care for the children so I can get a job.
So today on the phone my mother started saying I have to get Stbxah to pay for the children's needs. As if I haven't done everything I can for the past year to do just that. As if it were in my control. As if he listens to reason. As if he's sober. As if he's decent and law-abiding.
I tried to say this and raised my voice in emphasis. Not anger.
She interrupted me and said, ' and is this how you talk to your husband?'
To which, yeah, I actually swore at my own mother, used the f--- word and hung up. And I don't know how I feel about my response to her except disappointed in myself.
I also cannot face what she said to me. She wants me to go back to him so that we have money to live. In spite of the violence, threats, and insanity.
The physical, emotional and financial abuse from stbxah is something I am still majorly adjusting to.
To be blamed for it by my family is quite another.
The good news is that I KNOW my 3 Cs. I know I was a really good wife. I was loving, loyal, thoughtful and present. I put my family first.
I don't know why others find it so easy to blame me. I start thinking if I were thinner, had a straighter nose, less hair, softer voice, milder disposition - I would be loved and my children would be cared for by our family and not just me. I would have won more child support and we would have help.
Sometimes I think the normal thing that the woman with the softspoken voice and straight nose would do is just give up. Then what would be would be.
But I am me with the untameable hair and I can't stop swimming upstream.
If I stop swimming won't we drown?
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
I once heard the analogy that the best think you can do in waters that were thrashing and tossing u about was to stay completely still because then you float which is the complete opposite of what I usually want to do as the desire to fight to keep one self alive kicks in right?
Learning to override that 'I have to do it myself' and trust a higher power is a HUGE thing for me. It's ongoing for sure.
That doesn't mean I do nothing. Like you I do what I can even if it feels inadequate and like nothing is happening and leave the rest alone.
Learning to override that 'I have to do it myself' and trust a higher power is a HUGE thing for me. It's ongoing for sure.
That doesn't mean I do nothing. Like you I do what I can even if it feels inadequate and like nothing is happening and leave the rest alone.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Pippi, I have a mother like that. Whew! Two mother threads in one day....!
I still can't wrap my head around that the courts won't order your stbx? husband to pay for his children to eat. I don't know which lawyer dropped the ball where on that one, but something is very off.
Are there any walk-in food banks there? I know in the states there are. What about churches or other handouts? I would try to find out. It seems so hard to believe that you fall through all the cracks and are entitled to absolutely zero social programs. I hope you can find out otherwise.
My hair is untamable too...!
I still can't wrap my head around that the courts won't order your stbx? husband to pay for his children to eat. I don't know which lawyer dropped the ball where on that one, but something is very off.
Are there any walk-in food banks there? I know in the states there are. What about churches or other handouts? I would try to find out. It seems so hard to believe that you fall through all the cracks and are entitled to absolutely zero social programs. I hope you can find out otherwise.
My hair is untamable too...!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
My mom is like that. For two years I've told her to mind her own business. I told her that if she wants to give me money, it's her business and her finances, and while I wouldn't refuse it I didn't expect it. She used to think that my talking to her about this was a manipulative way of getting her to fork out some cash. It wasn't -- she was just one of the people closest to the situation who knew what I did about me and my AH and I thought she was a safe person with whom to talk about my life. (On occasions I did ask for financial help, she denied she could help, which I know isn't true. Money is one of her weird areas where she plays power games and exerts control.)
She only sometimes gets it. I don't talk to her about it much anymore -- it took some blow-ups like this to get her to understand she was crossing major boundaries in my life and finally I stopped answering calls or accepting her "help." She herself is an anxious codependent and I had to realize that she didn't want to change anything about her life or her relationship with me, so I decided she was no longer a safe person with whom to talk about my life and no longer interact with her as though she is.
It stinks, but it's one of the "losses" and/or "growth experiences" that go with this.
She only sometimes gets it. I don't talk to her about it much anymore -- it took some blow-ups like this to get her to understand she was crossing major boundaries in my life and finally I stopped answering calls or accepting her "help." She herself is an anxious codependent and I had to realize that she didn't want to change anything about her life or her relationship with me, so I decided she was no longer a safe person with whom to talk about my life and no longer interact with her as though she is.
It stinks, but it's one of the "losses" and/or "growth experiences" that go with this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Oh. Pippi, my heart just goes out to you!!! When our mothers voice criticisms like this against us--it can cut right through to the bone!! It feels like they find us essentially flawed at the core in some essential way---or, at least inadequate. Even when this is ludicrous and completely baseless---it still hurts.
I can picture that a woman of your mother's generation has a whole different view of how a woman should conduct herself in a marriage, can be quite different that many of us can accept. Plus, she has not walked in your shoes!!!!!!!!!!!! I think you have been very courageous and incredibly tenacious in unbelievably difficult circumstances. She should be proud of you!!!
I just finished reading a book called: "Not to People Like Us" (hidden abuse in upscale marriages). I thought of you all the while reading it. Very rich and powerful men can be very difficult to go up against---they are sooo protected by their m oney and power.
Please don't beat up on yourself because you raised your voice. I know your intention was to defend your own integrity--not to disrespect your mother.
dandylion
I can picture that a woman of your mother's generation has a whole different view of how a woman should conduct herself in a marriage, can be quite different that many of us can accept. Plus, she has not walked in your shoes!!!!!!!!!!!! I think you have been very courageous and incredibly tenacious in unbelievably difficult circumstances. She should be proud of you!!!
I just finished reading a book called: "Not to People Like Us" (hidden abuse in upscale marriages). I thought of you all the while reading it. Very rich and powerful men can be very difficult to go up against---they are sooo protected by their m oney and power.
Please don't beat up on yourself because you raised your voice. I know your intention was to defend your own integrity--not to disrespect your mother.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Thank you from the depths of my heart from your kindness and understanding.
I am going to your words time to sink in, and try to get a good night's sleep. Then I'll let you know what's next.
I am so grateful for your replies!
Blessings to you all!
I am going to your words time to sink in, and try to get a good night's sleep. Then I'll let you know what's next.
I am so grateful for your replies!
Blessings to you all!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
Pippi:
I can imagine the hurt when your own mother suggests going back to that situation and so your anger is understandable. But, sometimes we have to understand that she's from a different generation and did not see up close what all you went through also. After you calm down perhaps you can apologize to her for swearing and meet with her and really give her some details of all you went through and show her your documentation of all your attempts through the courts. Unfortunately, I went up against something similar in my first marriage and finally decided that I needed to put my focus on a better job because child support did not come. Reach out in your community for all the support you can--people really do want to help but they need to know what you need. You are in my thoughts.
I can imagine the hurt when your own mother suggests going back to that situation and so your anger is understandable. But, sometimes we have to understand that she's from a different generation and did not see up close what all you went through also. After you calm down perhaps you can apologize to her for swearing and meet with her and really give her some details of all you went through and show her your documentation of all your attempts through the courts. Unfortunately, I went up against something similar in my first marriage and finally decided that I needed to put my focus on a better job because child support did not come. Reach out in your community for all the support you can--people really do want to help but they need to know what you need. You are in my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
From my heartfelt experience, just because someone is your mother doesn't mean they understand you, empathize with you, or really understand what you are going through. Someone just having that designation as "my mother" doesn't necessarily mean much at all.
I think that those of us who have suffered abuse, especially from our own parents or from a spouse, may become far more protective in our own parenting. We understand what children who aren't protected go through, and we want better for our children. We become fierce like jungle animal mothers protecting their brood from onslaughts in the night.
I remember, many years ago, going to a family reunion for my mother's side of the family, and a 100th birthday celebration for her mother, my grandmother. All my mother's siblings were either addicted to alcohol/drugs or married to someone who was. My brother and all my male cousins - 6 in one family, 4 in another family, and the only son in the third family - were alcoholics and drug addicts. 3 of them were dead from addiction, two were psychotic, and only one ever made it out.
My children were then 7 and 4. I looked around that banquet hall and saw the family tree of addiction and devastation, and I vowed that it stopped with me, and neither I or my children would fall prey to addiction. I subsequently married my now XAH, but I got my children free. They are happy healthy adults, no addiction, just the normal ups and downs of a normal, peaceful life. God be blessed for this.
So, Pippi, it isn't to the past that you need to look. Your mother is who she is, no more and no less, and she can only see and do what is within her emotional framework. She can't be there for you; she can't comprehend what you are going through. It is just plain beyond her.
It is to the future, and the productive, happy future of your children that I see that you can envision, that you are working daily to achieve, and that is where the rewards will come.
I know it is so hard, so much harder than it should be, almost so hard that it is unendurable, but still, you endure, and you prevail, hour by hour.
You are brave, courageous, and indomitable. As you open yourself to the future, open to the unexpected because that may be where your salvation lies. For me, whenever I turn down my headstrong will and turn to my Higher Power, I am astonished by what comes my way. When I ask for what I need, and then say "I will to will Thy will", somehow my determination becomes harnessed to a solution, often, far beyond what I could have expected.
But I am me with the untameable hair and I can't stop swimming upstream.
That is me, too, also of the untameable hair, gold with a red tone these days, and so curly it is unbelievable. I sometimes feel like Little Orphan Annie, singing
The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
When I'm stuck a day That's gray, And lonely,
I just stick out my chin And Grin, And Say, Oh!
The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You're always
A day
A way!
And the best news for me, and I believe that this will come for you, too, is that there IS a tomorrow, and it really does come. I don't know how or when, but I believe in you. People like us, when our backs are to the wall in such profound ways, we move forward, onward, and through the difficulty. What other option is there? Crumbling in despair, giving up, I never saw another option that I thought was palatable. We aren't made to float downstream with the current to who knows where. We decide where we want to go and muster the determination to get there.
Someday, like me, you'll look back at four children now grown into healthy happy adults, and feel pride, humility, and grace that you and yours have survived and thrived. My heart is with you.
ShootingStar1
I think that those of us who have suffered abuse, especially from our own parents or from a spouse, may become far more protective in our own parenting. We understand what children who aren't protected go through, and we want better for our children. We become fierce like jungle animal mothers protecting their brood from onslaughts in the night.
I remember, many years ago, going to a family reunion for my mother's side of the family, and a 100th birthday celebration for her mother, my grandmother. All my mother's siblings were either addicted to alcohol/drugs or married to someone who was. My brother and all my male cousins - 6 in one family, 4 in another family, and the only son in the third family - were alcoholics and drug addicts. 3 of them were dead from addiction, two were psychotic, and only one ever made it out.
My children were then 7 and 4. I looked around that banquet hall and saw the family tree of addiction and devastation, and I vowed that it stopped with me, and neither I or my children would fall prey to addiction. I subsequently married my now XAH, but I got my children free. They are happy healthy adults, no addiction, just the normal ups and downs of a normal, peaceful life. God be blessed for this.
So, Pippi, it isn't to the past that you need to look. Your mother is who she is, no more and no less, and she can only see and do what is within her emotional framework. She can't be there for you; she can't comprehend what you are going through. It is just plain beyond her.
It is to the future, and the productive, happy future of your children that I see that you can envision, that you are working daily to achieve, and that is where the rewards will come.
I know it is so hard, so much harder than it should be, almost so hard that it is unendurable, but still, you endure, and you prevail, hour by hour.
You are brave, courageous, and indomitable. As you open yourself to the future, open to the unexpected because that may be where your salvation lies. For me, whenever I turn down my headstrong will and turn to my Higher Power, I am astonished by what comes my way. When I ask for what I need, and then say "I will to will Thy will", somehow my determination becomes harnessed to a solution, often, far beyond what I could have expected.
But I am me with the untameable hair and I can't stop swimming upstream.
That is me, too, also of the untameable hair, gold with a red tone these days, and so curly it is unbelievable. I sometimes feel like Little Orphan Annie, singing
The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
When I'm stuck a day That's gray, And lonely,
I just stick out my chin And Grin, And Say, Oh!
The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You're always
A day
A way!
And the best news for me, and I believe that this will come for you, too, is that there IS a tomorrow, and it really does come. I don't know how or when, but I believe in you. People like us, when our backs are to the wall in such profound ways, we move forward, onward, and through the difficulty. What other option is there? Crumbling in despair, giving up, I never saw another option that I thought was palatable. We aren't made to float downstream with the current to who knows where. We decide where we want to go and muster the determination to get there.
Someday, like me, you'll look back at four children now grown into healthy happy adults, and feel pride, humility, and grace that you and yours have survived and thrived. My heart is with you.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I also cannot face what she said to me. She wants me to go back to him so that we have money to live. In spite of the violence, threats, and insanity.
The answer of course is "Are You Out Of Your F-ing Mind?" which is basically what you told your mother. Which is what she needed to hear.
And I can't say it better than Shootingstar1 did. You keep fighting. Some days, you just pull yourself forward by digging your finger nails into the dirt. But you don't ever give up and go back. Ever.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I want you to know that I am holding onto your words today.
I am so in the midst I can't sort it out yet.
I'm grateful to you and to my children and to God for this beautiful world.
What a long crisis this has been. When I am less in a muddle I'll reply!
I am so in the midst I can't sort it out yet.
I'm grateful to you and to my children and to God for this beautiful world.
What a long crisis this has been. When I am less in a muddle I'll reply!
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Hi Pippi,
Your post really spoke to me. Not to comment on the mother aspect--but as to why someone would say something like that I found that for my friends to grasp how bad my situation was would undermine their own sense of stability and security. If my husband/situation was really that bad, and not my fault, it meant that they could also be vulnerable.
So yes, it seems crazy that she'd say these things to you--as if you hadn't already exhausted all your options--but my experience is that people do this a lot. It can make you feel nuts, and your reality discounted.
Just know that you are not alone!
Danae
Your post really spoke to me. Not to comment on the mother aspect--but as to why someone would say something like that I found that for my friends to grasp how bad my situation was would undermine their own sense of stability and security. If my husband/situation was really that bad, and not my fault, it meant that they could also be vulnerable.
So yes, it seems crazy that she'd say these things to you--as if you hadn't already exhausted all your options--but my experience is that people do this a lot. It can make you feel nuts, and your reality discounted.
Just know that you are not alone!
Danae
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I am still deeply processing. So much is happening at the same time I feel like I've entered a dream or I am on the brink of falling into some kind of afterlife. And I am just so tired. The children see me in this state and they are all kindness and love. My littlest one paints me series of wild cat faces, or a study in colors. My younger boy folds laundry and cleans his room. My daughter, who used to be so angry with me, gives me the gentlest hugs when she sees me sad. And my eldest, he is understanding but so angry with his father. He wants to end their relationship entirely.
I wish I could run in horror from stbxah because things just keep getting worse.
I don't want my children to notice my pain. I don't cry hardly at all and I am busy with everything - running the household, cooking meals, looking for jobs, running my races. I think on the surface we are all functioning amazingly well.
My mother, well, yes she is from another world, truly. But she also maybe set me up. If she could succeed in getting me to say an unkind word, then if she doesn't help us, she can blame her withdrawal of support on me.
I am so so glad you all are there.
I wish I could run in horror from stbxah because things just keep getting worse.
I don't want my children to notice my pain. I don't cry hardly at all and I am busy with everything - running the household, cooking meals, looking for jobs, running my races. I think on the surface we are all functioning amazingly well.
My mother, well, yes she is from another world, truly. But she also maybe set me up. If she could succeed in getting me to say an unkind word, then if she doesn't help us, she can blame her withdrawal of support on me.
I am so so glad you all are there.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
