Originally Posted by
lessgravity 
I appreciate this line of thought. When you speak of differences between what you experience internally and what external reality provides for you - what do you mean?
Less - if I might be so bold, perhaps things aren't as complicated as they might seem. Maybe you should start with the obvious - like which recovery methods you are using and whether or not they are working. Are you still practicing AVRT? Have you ever tried NA or AA? Have you seen a alcohol/drug counselor or a mental health professional?
It's very easy to overthink this.