Hello,
I want to start by saying that I first began reading the forums around 4 months ago and I knowing that there are others out there like me has been very comforting. Sometimes I read the posts and think "Hey, that's me". But even though I have sought and received comfort I have not made any moves to change my own problems. I make attempts on my own and have "small" successes, but in the end I just pick up where I left off. It has been a problem for a long time and I am so tired. I have the strongest desire to quit and when I succeed for a while I always think the same thing - "I feel great, I'm getting things done without struggling, I am meeting my families needs and I have worth, I'm never going to go down again." Sometimes I plunge back in on the very day I have those thoughts.
I can't talk to my family or friends and at this point I am terrified of joining any groups. As a matter of fact, I am terrified right now, to the point that if I actually post this it will be a tremendous accomplishment.
I am a 38 year old mother of two. I have been drinking and using since I was 23. The only time during the last 15 years that I have ever stopped entirely was during both my pregnancies. I felt a tremendous responsibility to the little lives growing inside of me. I have been wondering why that ended when they were born. I still have a tremendous responsibility to them and my addictions still affect them.
In my previous residence my main addictions were alcohol and cocaine. It made me unreliable in my work, my home and my friendships. I was sick and miserable all the time but couldn't seem to find anyway out. My husband and I used together and no matter how much we promised each other to stop we never did.
My husband went to work in another state (not a separation just a job opportunity) and I stayed behind. On one of his visits home he suggested that we move to California where he could work full time and I could be a stay at home mom, something that would not have been possible in Alaska. He was clean and seemed to be a much different person and even though I knew that geographical changes don't work I felt it was a good opportunity and we made the move. At first it was great. I was happy being a stay at home mom and even though I missed (and still miss) Alaska very much, I was convinced I had made the right choice. It wasn't to long before I noticed that there was something different about him and I couldn't put my finger on it. He certainly was different, never missing work and money wasn't disappearing from our bank account in large sums. But then the truth came out. He had traded cocaine for crystal meth. And the reason large sums of money weren't missing was because meth costs a lot less than coke. Well, I did not join him. I left him to his meth because I had learned a long time ago that I couldn't stop him from using no matter what I did. And then for reasons that I cannot explain, one night I decided to try it with him. This is after about 6 months of not even being interested in using it. I thought I was "smarter" than that, I mean look at what I had been through with Coke and look how good I felt now. I was even going back to church. As is usual with "trying it one time" I ended up using it again and again. I stopped going to church and everything around me has gone into chaos and the things I used to enjoy and I accomplished so easily have now become a struggle. My husband is a functional user on meth, I am completely non-functional. He recognizes my problem and doesn't want me to use any more, yet since he doesn't acknowledge his own problem he still always has it and I always know he has it.
I struggle to "appear" normal as I go about my days and so far I am pulling it off, but I am so tired and I know that my efforts at appearing normal can't last forever. I haven't made any new friends here because I don't want anyone to know my horrid little secret. And maybe the worst thing that is happening is that my 6 year old daughter knows that something is wrong with me. She doesn't know what it is, but she can tell that I'm not the same. She even said to me one day that I seemed "different".
I am really scared right now. I want to give more to my family than this and I want to give more to myself than this. I am tired of feeling bad, tired of feeling guilty and just plain old tired, as I think I have said several times.
The most confusing thing for me right now is how to stop without leaving my husband. I don't want to leave him, but I also know that I can't do anything about his use. Only he can do that. The only person I can change is me. But I'd like to have more success than just here and there for a week at a time.
I am hoping that having the courage to reach out here will be my first step in the right direction, and then maybe I can find the courage to find a group to join.
Thank you for listening to me, and thank you for this site. There are a lot of good people here and I admire so many of you.
God Bless.
