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A very tired newbie

Old 01-13-2005, 03:20 PM
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DillikiDi
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A very tired newbie

Hello,

I want to start by saying that I first began reading the forums around 4 months ago and I knowing that there are others out there like me has been very comforting. Sometimes I read the posts and think "Hey, that's me". But even though I have sought and received comfort I have not made any moves to change my own problems. I make attempts on my own and have "small" successes, but in the end I just pick up where I left off. It has been a problem for a long time and I am so tired. I have the strongest desire to quit and when I succeed for a while I always think the same thing - "I feel great, I'm getting things done without struggling, I am meeting my families needs and I have worth, I'm never going to go down again." Sometimes I plunge back in on the very day I have those thoughts.

I can't talk to my family or friends and at this point I am terrified of joining any groups. As a matter of fact, I am terrified right now, to the point that if I actually post this it will be a tremendous accomplishment.

I am a 38 year old mother of two. I have been drinking and using since I was 23. The only time during the last 15 years that I have ever stopped entirely was during both my pregnancies. I felt a tremendous responsibility to the little lives growing inside of me. I have been wondering why that ended when they were born. I still have a tremendous responsibility to them and my addictions still affect them.

In my previous residence my main addictions were alcohol and cocaine. It made me unreliable in my work, my home and my friendships. I was sick and miserable all the time but couldn't seem to find anyway out. My husband and I used together and no matter how much we promised each other to stop we never did.

My husband went to work in another state (not a separation just a job opportunity) and I stayed behind. On one of his visits home he suggested that we move to California where he could work full time and I could be a stay at home mom, something that would not have been possible in Alaska. He was clean and seemed to be a much different person and even though I knew that geographical changes don't work I felt it was a good opportunity and we made the move. At first it was great. I was happy being a stay at home mom and even though I missed (and still miss) Alaska very much, I was convinced I had made the right choice. It wasn't to long before I noticed that there was something different about him and I couldn't put my finger on it. He certainly was different, never missing work and money wasn't disappearing from our bank account in large sums. But then the truth came out. He had traded cocaine for crystal meth. And the reason large sums of money weren't missing was because meth costs a lot less than coke. Well, I did not join him. I left him to his meth because I had learned a long time ago that I couldn't stop him from using no matter what I did. And then for reasons that I cannot explain, one night I decided to try it with him. This is after about 6 months of not even being interested in using it. I thought I was "smarter" than that, I mean look at what I had been through with Coke and look how good I felt now. I was even going back to church. As is usual with "trying it one time" I ended up using it again and again. I stopped going to church and everything around me has gone into chaos and the things I used to enjoy and I accomplished so easily have now become a struggle. My husband is a functional user on meth, I am completely non-functional. He recognizes my problem and doesn't want me to use any more, yet since he doesn't acknowledge his own problem he still always has it and I always know he has it.

I struggle to "appear" normal as I go about my days and so far I am pulling it off, but I am so tired and I know that my efforts at appearing normal can't last forever. I haven't made any new friends here because I don't want anyone to know my horrid little secret. And maybe the worst thing that is happening is that my 6 year old daughter knows that something is wrong with me. She doesn't know what it is, but she can tell that I'm not the same. She even said to me one day that I seemed "different".

I am really scared right now. I want to give more to my family than this and I want to give more to myself than this. I am tired of feeling bad, tired of feeling guilty and just plain old tired, as I think I have said several times.

The most confusing thing for me right now is how to stop without leaving my husband. I don't want to leave him, but I also know that I can't do anything about his use. Only he can do that. The only person I can change is me. But I'd like to have more success than just here and there for a week at a time.

I am hoping that having the courage to reach out here will be my first step in the right direction, and then maybe I can find the courage to find a group to join.

Thank you for listening to me, and thank you for this site. There are a lot of good people here and I admire so many of you.

God Bless.


Last edited by DillikiDi; 01-13-2005 at 03:25 PM. Reason: My signature is still not right.
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Old 01-13-2005, 03:45 PM
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Oh Di,

All I can say is, this place has helpped me so much. I haven't had a drink going on 3 days. I am looking into AA. Don't go anywhere. Stay here. Don't give up. So many folks with more experience will be along shortly.
Hang with us!
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Old 01-14-2005, 12:08 PM
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It is all about YOU and YOU are worth it!

Dear DillikiDi:

You have made the biggest and most important step in recovering from your addictions – You have admitted that you do have a problem.

Once we admit that we no longer control a large part of our lives due to our addiction, it then becomes a matter of seeking a solution. One cannot seek a solution without admitting there is a problem.

From reading posts at this site and from subsequent responses, you will learn how each of us approached recovery. Recovery is a very individual thing, and what works for one may not work for another. You must consider and evaluate the processes that addicts have used to address their situation and their selection of a recovery process.

The one thing I can tell you, the next steps have to be about YOU. You cannot be concerned or preoccupied about your husband’s use. You must limit your energies at this time to seeking a program that works for YOU.

You have two wonderful children to love and cherish with many good times to come. You cannot love, nurture nor support them until you love yourself.

At the tender age of 57, married for 32 years, with 2 adult children, and a business owner, this “functional” alcoholic found himself slipping down (fast) a road to total destruction last year. After I took that very first and critical step of admitting my addiction to booze, I voluntarily enrolled in a formal recovery program as an outpatient. The program was supplemented with attending AA meetings. I choose the recovery program because I knew (and my wife) that I needed some real structure to my recovery. It was a financial sacrifice, but well worth it. I have been sober now for 13+ months.

Do not pass up this opportunity to regain your life and your self-esteem. I let way too many years go by before I addressed my addiction, and those years and memories can never be lived over again. I do not dwell nor “hate” myself for the past, as I cannot change the past. The only thing I can change is the moment at hand and tomorrow.

Say the serenity prayer a few times each day to get things going. It is not only beautiful, but all so true.

Keep coming back, because YOU are worth it.
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Old 01-14-2005, 12:20 PM
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Good Luck... let go and let God.
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Old 01-14-2005, 12:43 PM
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Psalm 118:24
 
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Exclamation

Di,

If It Wasn't For My Missing My Kids, I Might Not Have Quit. Did I Hear You Right Your Spouse Functions Ok On Meth?? Y Don't You Both Sit Down And Have A Heart To Heart Talk. For Both Of Your Sakes And Your Kids. Everyday, In This Small Town I Love People Are Getting Busted For This Trash. I Do Mean Trash No One Of Any Sense When, The YOU stop To Think Of What Goes In Meth y would any 1 Even Do It. I Mean Come On, U Have To Use Gloves To Get The Ammonia Out Of The Tanks. This Stuff Ends Up Taking Everyone Down.
You Got Everything You Need Right Now, There's Nothing Down The Road You're Going. Happiness Isn't Going To Be Found In The Drugs And Drinking. It's With A Higher Power For Your Husband, For Your Kids And Family.
It Hurts Me To See The Young Women In Here. The Kids Are Gift From God. Drugs And Drinking Robs You Of Your Time From Them. Time Is Something That Can't B Replaced

Last edited by CAPTAINZING2000; 01-14-2005 at 12:47 PM. Reason: CAN'T SPELL
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Old 01-20-2005, 07:36 AM
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DillikiDi
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Thanks

Thanks for the replys, it is really wonderful to talk to people who understand and who talk to you honestly, without any denial or excuses. I appreciate the support and I appreciate the candid and honest communication.

I know I have to do this first for myself, when I am good, my family rocks, When I am not good it all falls apart.

I am past the guilt stage and and I also am not dwelling or giving in to the voices that nag at you in an attempt to make you hate yourself (and then keep on using because you hate yourself.)

You did hear me right, my husband operates on this junk. Yes it affects his moods and so on but he sleeps, he eats and he goes to work everyday AND he works well. I know this because I know everyone he works with and for. As for sitting down for a heart to heart, I would love that, but past experience has shown that he is in complete denial and I know for a fact that he still is. Talking now is probably not the best course. :yelling if you know what I mean. What I want to do now is work on me and concentrate on my children. As a secondary goal I will go to work trying to make him see what he is doing to himself, but only after I am clean for a good while, because you can't tell someone to quit when you only recently quit yourself.

I am looking into a recovery group at a local Lutheran Counseling Center and I picked up a book at a Christian bookstore entitled "Serentity, A Twelve Step Companion." It is the KJV verison of the New Testament and Psalms with the history of the 12 step program, the 12 steps listed and explained and biblical meditations on each step as you work it. I own loads of devotionals and have never found one that addressed a Christian with an addiction problem.

I've done well since my first post, taking it one day at a time and today is another day. I am only worried about the next 24 hours. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

I totally agree with CAPTAINZING2000, the kids are a gift from God.

Thanks to you all, I'll be around and I'll be checking in.

God Bless.



All of you!!!!!!
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Old 01-20-2005, 07:48 AM
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Psalm 118:24
 
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glad to see you on the boards. I hope and pray everything will b ok 4 u and the kids


chris
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Old 01-20-2005, 11:40 AM
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Welcome to SR! I don't have any answers or wisdom being new myself. I do know that you have made a huge step though and have found a wonderful place for support & encouragment. Your in my heart and prayers... Susan
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Old 01-20-2005, 12:12 PM
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I just want to share a little about the group you looked into. I actively go to aa meetings, and in addition, I go to Alcoholics Victorious. It is taken from AA guidlines, but they use the bible as as addtional tool. I have learned a lot from this meeting, aa, and from here. Have you gone to the meeting yet? I also have a Life Recovery Bible, which goes through the steps in the bible. It also has devotionals, and meditations. Like someone had said previously, everyone finds their own way in recovery, however, we don't do it alone. I wish you all the best and will keep you in my prayers. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me. I, too, am a mother of 2 who used meth, and now have almost 9 months of sobriety, ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!

Sherry
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Old 01-20-2005, 12:30 PM
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Chy
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Hi and welcome Di!
I think it first has to start with you. Your positive changes may make hubby see it can be okay, life can go on, drugs and alcohol do not need to be a necessary part of functioning throughout life. Some have the courage and strength to maintain their sobriety while others don't, I guess it just depends on the entirety of the family dynamics, we're all different. If you want to change, quit, move on, don't let anyone stop you. You've made an awesome start by reaching out here, it's how I started as well, and I'll be clean and sober 2 years in a few months. My hubby keeps his vice away from me, we have a very strong relationship, and life for me is great sober. I had to do it for me, I couldn't stand the sickness, exhaustion, and false life I was leading any longer. I'm good now, so can you be, be strong, have courage, make a plan. *hugs*
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