I identified with your post too Aeryn, thank you. I think my closed walls came from the so-called friendships I grew up with, rather than my family as such. Now I tend to pick friends who like to talk, so I can just listen and not give anything of myself away. I'm getting better as my self confidence grows. I used to avoid everyone I could because I was so scared of people seeing who I really was. Now I'm slowly making friends, slowly showing them who I am and learning to trust that if they don't like that person then its not a reflection on me, its just that we wouldn't make good friends, and that's ok. That never was ok before, it was a terrible thought before! No one could ever not like me if they didn't know who I was!
I showed XABF who I was and at first, as is so common, he held me up on a pedestal for it. As time went on I had to hide myself more and more to get his approval (which was never coming), to the point where I really didn't know who I was any more, everything 'me' about me was gone and I was a shell, which of course he wasn't interested in because everything unique about me was gone.
I'm still learning about me and growing in confidence and I'm glad I can do that with the help of a good counsellor and AlAnon and some loving, accepting friends.
