A breakthrough in my recovery - regarding control issues

Old 09-15-2013, 05:32 PM
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A breakthrough in my recovery - regarding control issues

I was always a bit confused on the codependency front because I wasn't super controlling in the traditional ways: I didn't monitor the XAH's drinking, I didn't pour out bottles, I didn't manage his job, I didn't try to manage meals, and I wasn't much of an advice giver to him unless he asked directly. He never hid bottles from me when I lived there because I didn't care I guess - or I didn't say much.

My controlling was always a bit more subtle - I tried to manage *me* - so to keep *me* afloat financially and keep *my* image I would do things like pay all the bills (just had him write checks from his account) and make sure the house was spotless if people were coming by. So for a long time I thought that was my control issue.

What I realized was my control issue is something far more subtle than what I mentioned above but just as big of an issue. I control by putting up walls and not showing people any of my vulnerabilities or my true self. So no one really knows me - because I withhold any information or feelings I think they could possibly twist and use against me or use to look down on me with. So I control by withholding my true self - if no one has any information they can't hurt me...or that was my thinking.

To top that I realized why I had the above control issue (it's all about the inner child's unresolved issues) - it's because I grew up with an untreated Alanon, emotionally abusive mother who controlled every aspect of my life . She would call my friends parents and tell them bad things about me, she would call my teachers and tell them I was crazy and to "watch" me, she would invade my privacy to the extent that I had to keep any diaries or anything personal on my being at all times. She followed me everywhere and invaded every aspect of my life - then once she did get information she used it to belittle me. My therapist says she is a narcissist (those personalities tend to be emotionally abusive as well but not always as severe as my mom was). As a child my only solution was to withhold all information and feelings about myself, to repress myself - never to say what I thought or felt and to keep that not only hidden but buried and out of reach. And as a child that worked - as an adult, well it no longer works - OBVIOUSLY, it's very hard to have a real relationship when you don't expose your true self or any vulnerabilities...plus I sort of lost my true self by burying it.

I even realized one of the reasons I stayed with the XAH so long was because he wasn't controlling AT ALL - he was too busy drinking to do any of those invasive things I was so scared of...so staying with him was easy and it enabled me to continue to bury my feelings, thoughts and vulnerabilities with no worry of being exposed and embarrassed (like I was in childhood).

Now that I've made these realizations (through a great therapist) I can actually start working through them and working on moving MY life forward. I could NEVER have done this staying with my XAH because by staying with him I could live in his drama and not face my own.

I just thought I'd share this step forward in my recovery - also I wondered if this type of "isolation control" by building walls to protect myself from others was just me or if others did it too.
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Old 09-15-2013, 06:40 PM
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Interesting perspectives. You kind of describe my XAH, only he was also an alcoholic. But at the end, after 5 years, I realize I didn't really know him either. He never let anyone that close. I used to refer to him as having this wall with gates made of metal that clanged shut when someone tried.

Now, that said, I too am an emotionally closed person. I have few close friends and family who I share my "true self" with. And it isn't about trust issues or childhood traumas. I am simply an introvert. I just like it that way. I had a therapist tell me I was emotionally unavailable once. But I just don't think its that simple of a diagnosis.

So how are you supposed to "work on" sharing your true self with others? Did the therapist give you some tips/homework?
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Old 09-15-2013, 08:49 PM
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Wow. I don't have your family history, but your post smacked me upside the head.

That was my area of control too.
And that was a control behavior that started log before I married an A.

Thank you for sharing that insight.
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Old 09-15-2013, 09:08 PM
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Aeryn, Really interesting post. I was not raised by alcoholics but by self centered parents. It would NEVER cross my mind to share ANY vulnerability with them. I learned that as natural as I learned to walk and talk. I too have control issues that you describe well. I like having a guy who is passive and non controlling because I have zero ability to deal with any focus on me. All the focus was on my EX-AB...and he liked it that way. I guess I am pretty comfortable with that too. Wow...I have never really thought of that before. Yikes!
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Old 09-16-2013, 08:16 AM
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This is a very interesting nugget to chew on. I am an extrovert and can talk a blue streak...even about myself. But I have clear, very bright lines that define what I share and what I don't about myself.
I think I could tell myself that those things are just private....but as I think about your post I'm wondering if I have to take a closer look.
There have been opportunities in relationships recently for me to open up and it has felt so scary....but not because I am afraid of getting hurt. I also don't have a similar childhood experience.

Really, really interesting post Aeryn. Thanks so much for sharing.
Hugs,
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Old 09-16-2013, 10:07 AM
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I identified with your post too Aeryn, thank you. I think my closed walls came from the so-called friendships I grew up with, rather than my family as such. Now I tend to pick friends who like to talk, so I can just listen and not give anything of myself away. I'm getting better as my self confidence grows. I used to avoid everyone I could because I was so scared of people seeing who I really was. Now I'm slowly making friends, slowly showing them who I am and learning to trust that if they don't like that person then its not a reflection on me, its just that we wouldn't make good friends, and that's ok. That never was ok before, it was a terrible thought before! No one could ever not like me if they didn't know who I was!

I showed XABF who I was and at first, as is so common, he held me up on a pedestal for it. As time went on I had to hide myself more and more to get his approval (which was never coming), to the point where I really didn't know who I was any more, everything 'me' about me was gone and I was a shell, which of course he wasn't interested in because everything unique about me was gone.

I'm still learning about me and growing in confidence and I'm glad I can do that with the help of a good counsellor and AlAnon and some loving, accepting friends.
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Old 09-16-2013, 10:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post

So how are you supposed to "work on" sharing your true self with others? Did the therapist give you some tips/homework?
Inner child work has a lot to do with working through the things that have happened as a child (and created the wounded child) as well as recognizing the things that the wounded child did to survive (things that don't work anymore as an adult but may have worked as a child)...then you can become the loving adult to yourself that you didn't have. Not sure if I explained that right. So you can be the loving adult you didn't have - and it doesn't always come from an alcoholic family - it could be any situation where the parent was leaning on something outside of themselves and not emotionally available to the child (food issues, work-aholic (sp), narcissism etc)...or something like that. There are a lot of good resources online if you google inner child....I just wasn't sure what I was allowed to post.

I do know in ACOA meetings there is a lot of focus on the inner child - some of the Alanon meetings I really like are when the speaker addresses inner child issues....those are the ones I relate to.
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Old 09-16-2013, 05:15 PM
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I relate very much.

I think I am so lucky to have found my therapist to work these pieces with.

I realized just recently that I don't remember "who" I have told what to....all safe people in my life....and what a huge step that was for me. To feel safe with all of them.

Good for you, thanks for sharing.
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