jaynie04

I think there are times when a lot of us have been told by someone who loves us but doesn't understand the nature of our condition that we just need to learn to control our drinking.

For me that is a huge get out of jail free card...and a real danger zone.

I so want to believe what they are saying and my mind goes over to that side easily.

I was sober for a month recently before this time. (I guess not really because I was still taking Klonopin and Ambien). I had an appt with my prescribing doc who mentioned that his wife was a therapist. I made the comment that I wasn't sure that I was comfortable with this, what if I slipped?

"everybody slips" he said.

Armed with that I left the office and two days later after a stressful day I was back on the booze.

I have to be aware that even though people can be well intentioned this is a danger zone. No different than a real estate agent bringing me to look at a house I could never afford. Or a salesperson bringing me size 0 jeans when I wear an 8. Or NASA calling and telling me they need a rocket scientist. Having it suggested in no way means I am capable.

I have relied on externals for a very long time. If other people like me then I must be ok. I have learned a lot about co-dependence and I know that this is a dangerous proposition. One of the things I like best about SR is that it strips away a lot of the external criteria we often use to box someone in. We are all 2D here.

People who are not alcoholics or addicts may not understand the complexity of the issue. Sometimes they think we just need to break a bad habit, and then we can be on our merry way. I think a lot of us want that to be true, so just a little reinforcement in that direction can trigger a relapse.

I got out of inpatient rehab for 30 days and went to see a new rheumatologist. I was very direct about the fact that I was a newly recovering alcoholic who had also been using Klonopin and Ambien for over a decade. I told her that I was free of all addictive substances and that I needed to explore ways to deal with my chronic pain issues in a new and healthy way.

She mentioned Lunesta. There was a part of me that so wanted to just go along with that protocol. Easy breezy, no biggie. I wanted her to be right.

But, I knew she wasn't. I knew that would compromise my sobriety and I had to override the urge to go over to her side because I know that using anything potentially addictive was a very dangerous proposition.

When I read about posters here who have loved ones pouring them drinks or telling them they only need to do xyz to drink normally I understand why that is so alluring. It is so tempting to listen to people who mean well, but don't understand. The addict in me goes "oh well, if you think I can do it then it must be ok".

As much as I want to fit my size 8 rear end into the size 0 jeans because the salesperson brought them to me, it isn't gonna happen. They could bring in Crisco and heavy equipment.....not happening.

As much as I would love to be able to moderate...not happening either.

So I can buy the size 8 and go blissfully about my life, or I can spend the rest of my life in the dressing room splitting seams and rolling around on the floor. I am going to go with Door number 1.