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Using the naiveté of loved ones....

Old 09-13-2013, 08:11 AM
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Using the naiveté of loved ones....

I think there are times when a lot of us have been told by someone who loves us but doesn't understand the nature of our condition that we just need to learn to control our drinking.

For me that is a huge get out of jail free card...and a real danger zone.

I so want to believe what they are saying and my mind goes over to that side easily.

I was sober for a month recently before this time. (I guess not really because I was still taking Klonopin and Ambien). I had an appt with my prescribing doc who mentioned that his wife was a therapist. I made the comment that I wasn't sure that I was comfortable with this, what if I slipped?

"everybody slips" he said.

Armed with that I left the office and two days later after a stressful day I was back on the booze.

I have to be aware that even though people can be well intentioned this is a danger zone. No different than a real estate agent bringing me to look at a house I could never afford. Or a salesperson bringing me size 0 jeans when I wear an 8. Or NASA calling and telling me they need a rocket scientist. Having it suggested in no way means I am capable.

I have relied on externals for a very long time. If other people like me then I must be ok. I have learned a lot about co-dependence and I know that this is a dangerous proposition. One of the things I like best about SR is that it strips away a lot of the external criteria we often use to box someone in. We are all 2D here.

People who are not alcoholics or addicts may not understand the complexity of the issue. Sometimes they think we just need to break a bad habit, and then we can be on our merry way. I think a lot of us want that to be true, so just a little reinforcement in that direction can trigger a relapse.

I got out of inpatient rehab for 30 days and went to see a new rheumatologist. I was very direct about the fact that I was a newly recovering alcoholic who had also been using Klonopin and Ambien for over a decade. I told her that I was free of all addictive substances and that I needed to explore ways to deal with my chronic pain issues in a new and healthy way.

She mentioned Lunesta. There was a part of me that so wanted to just go along with that protocol. Easy breezy, no biggie. I wanted her to be right.

But, I knew she wasn't. I knew that would compromise my sobriety and I had to override the urge to go over to her side because I know that using anything potentially addictive was a very dangerous proposition.

When I read about posters here who have loved ones pouring them drinks or telling them they only need to do xyz to drink normally I understand why that is so alluring. It is so tempting to listen to people who mean well, but don't understand. The addict in me goes "oh well, if you think I can do it then it must be ok".

As much as I want to fit my size 8 rear end into the size 0 jeans because the salesperson brought them to me, it isn't gonna happen. They could bring in Crisco and heavy equipment.....not happening.

As much as I would love to be able to moderate...not happening either.

So I can buy the size 8 and go blissfully about my life, or I can spend the rest of my life in the dressing room splitting seams and rolling around on the floor. I am going to go with Door number 1.
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Old 09-13-2013, 08:18 AM
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Jaynie, you're right that we have to depend on ourselves to make the right decisions because, ultimately, we are the ones who know how sick we are. Generally our friends and families want us to get better, but have no idea what we have to go through.
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Old 09-13-2013, 08:22 AM
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Beautifully illustrated, Jaynie. Can't go there. We must use our learned understanding of the circumstances of our affliction to guide us to the only sane conclusion. In other words, none, nada, zip, zilch, no matter what anyone else says or does.
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Old 09-13-2013, 09:18 AM
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Thank you for this post ~ it was very insightful.

Good for you for turning down the Lunesta! I never trusted that purple butterfly of sleep.
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Old 09-13-2013, 10:13 AM
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People who don't have a drinking problem don't understand at all what it's like.
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Old 09-13-2013, 10:33 AM
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Originally Posted by least View Post
People who don't have a drinking problem don't understand at all what it's like.
My mother at one time told me to 'snap out of it'.

My brother said, and still says, 'you don't have to stop drinking forever.....'

*sigh*
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Old 09-13-2013, 03:08 PM
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I read somewhere that telling an addict to "just stop" is about as useful as telling a legless man to "just get up and do cartwheels".
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Old 09-13-2013, 03:21 PM
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Good for you for staying true to your own convictions! I know how difficult it can be, my beloved relative just bought me a bottle of my favourite wine for this weekend because she noticed how stressed out I have been. I am on day 11. I have been pretty stressed out because I just start back at college and she sees it as just a harmless way to relax...but I know that it could be the beginning of a slippery slope...drinking stresses me out too!
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Old 09-15-2013, 06:53 PM
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Great post jaynie!

It's hard isn't it? We have to listen to our own minds toy with us but when someone outside of us says the words we're like little kids jumping up and down with glee if we're not fully dedicated to what we're doing. We don't even need to give ourselves an excuse, someone else will do it for us!

No one understands the plight of an alcoholic or addict like another alcoholic or addict. Non alcoholics and non addicts just don't understand.

We have our own form of brain damage because we like to think that we can moderate until the day comes when we realize that we can't.

In one of my prior long term attempts at sobriety my husband brought up that he wished that I could moderate. That's all it took for me to convince him that I could. Oh yes, I definitely could. We all know where that ended up.

This time, mind made up, no more choice, I was done. It was the beginning of the summer. We were out back in the yard and he began to speak the words "I wish..........." and I looked at him and said "Don't even say it!". This was a man who I had been verbally abusing, every single weekend, for at least the last year. Oh, I did before that but not as often. Even then, after all that I had done, he was willing to bring up moderation. That is the sum total of the lack of understanding that there is for this problem.
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Old 09-15-2013, 07:10 PM
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Originally Posted by jaynie04 View Post
I had an appt with my prescribing doc who mentioned that his wife was a therapist. I made the comment that I wasn't sure that I was comfortable with this, what if I slipped?

"everybody slips" he said.

I told her that I was free of all addictive substances and that I needed to explore ways to deal with my chronic pain issues in a new and healthy way.

She mentioned Lunesta.
Incredible!

I may have lost the power of choice in drink but thank goodness we don't lose the power of choice in doctors. There is nothing wrong with challenging your doctor on these types of issues and if you are not happy with the answer, get a second opinion. Great post, thanks.

God bless,
MikeH.
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Old 09-15-2013, 07:36 PM
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Excellent, Jaynie. Thank you!!!
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