Today I go to the courthouse to file the last of the paperwork before the Final Decree.
I am sad.
I am angry.
I am hurt.
I feel guilty.
I meant every single one of my vows. I waited until I was 33 to take those vows because I felt truly ready.
I never wanted to be divorced. I grew up with a biological father who was a coke abuser...my parents divorced because of it when I was two. My mom remarried when I was 4 and i had an amazing step dad until their divorce when i was 12 (he was a drinker). Both of my fathers have passed. I made peace with my bio-dad. My step-dad and I fell out of good terms 3 years before he died. I never got to say goodbye.
I was bitter about marriage. Never wanted to marry. Seen too many horror stories. Heard too many painful realizations from friends going through divorces.
Then I met my husband. We were equal at the time of meeting. Throughout our marriage, I worked on my issues (verbal abuser, control addict, abandonment issues) and continue to do personal inventory and work on myself. He didn't meet me in the middle....he drank his pain away (childhood abuse, alcohlic/schizophrenic parents).
I married because I loved him. More than I've loved anyone. And now it's come to this. Our whole life on papers. Our whole relationship printed out and stamped at the courthouse. Our vows are just shattered memories of a moment on that beach, when I was so full of hope and promises and Love.
I am mourning a man that I never truly had. Alcohol got the best of him, and i was left with the rest. He's been out of the house for 5 months and there are many days when I am truly happy he's gone. My life is mine again. My house is mine. I take care of things easily. I can pay the bills on my own. I don't need him.
And yet other days, I miss him like nothing else. Or rather, I miss the "him" that he was. Years ago before he was saturated with this poison.
We talk sometimes. He is starting his own recovery and I don't get involved. That's on him now. But I see and hear his pain. I no longer try to save him or rescue him. But it hurts.
I don't know the future. I try to just live in the moment and hope my moments add up to a healthy future. I can no longer plan my future- I did that once, and look where I got. No where.
I'm just having a sad moment right now. People keep telling me Im strong and it irritates me. When can I not be strong? When can I have a moment to break down? Doesn't seem to be allowed because I'm always the strong one. No one asks how i'm doing, they assume I've got it all figured out because that's just what I do.
I'm so disappointed in him and life in general right now. I'm disappointed in myself to letting it get to this. But I tried. I tried to show him the light. I am not responsible for his recovery or realizations.
It just PISSES ME OFF that NOW he decided to get help. Now, when it's just too late, he decides he's ready. Wtf? Now, when divorce is in progress, he realizes his issues and admits them and breaks down and shows emotion.
Too late, too late.
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It just sucks.
Thanks for reading.