Filing the last of the papers today...

Old 09-10-2013, 08:32 AM
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Filing the last of the papers today...

Today I go to the courthouse to file the last of the paperwork before the Final Decree.

I am sad.

I am angry.

I am hurt.

I feel guilty.

I meant every single one of my vows. I waited until I was 33 to take those vows because I felt truly ready.

I never wanted to be divorced. I grew up with a biological father who was a coke abuser...my parents divorced because of it when I was two. My mom remarried when I was 4 and i had an amazing step dad until their divorce when i was 12 (he was a drinker). Both of my fathers have passed. I made peace with my bio-dad. My step-dad and I fell out of good terms 3 years before he died. I never got to say goodbye.

I was bitter about marriage. Never wanted to marry. Seen too many horror stories. Heard too many painful realizations from friends going through divorces.

Then I met my husband. We were equal at the time of meeting. Throughout our marriage, I worked on my issues (verbal abuser, control addict, abandonment issues) and continue to do personal inventory and work on myself. He didn't meet me in the middle....he drank his pain away (childhood abuse, alcohlic/schizophrenic parents).

I married because I loved him. More than I've loved anyone. And now it's come to this. Our whole life on papers. Our whole relationship printed out and stamped at the courthouse. Our vows are just shattered memories of a moment on that beach, when I was so full of hope and promises and Love.

I am mourning a man that I never truly had. Alcohol got the best of him, and i was left with the rest. He's been out of the house for 5 months and there are many days when I am truly happy he's gone. My life is mine again. My house is mine. I take care of things easily. I can pay the bills on my own. I don't need him.

And yet other days, I miss him like nothing else. Or rather, I miss the "him" that he was. Years ago before he was saturated with this poison.

We talk sometimes. He is starting his own recovery and I don't get involved. That's on him now. But I see and hear his pain. I no longer try to save him or rescue him. But it hurts.

I don't know the future. I try to just live in the moment and hope my moments add up to a healthy future. I can no longer plan my future- I did that once, and look where I got. No where.

I'm just having a sad moment right now. People keep telling me Im strong and it irritates me. When can I not be strong? When can I have a moment to break down? Doesn't seem to be allowed because I'm always the strong one. No one asks how i'm doing, they assume I've got it all figured out because that's just what I do.

I'm so disappointed in him and life in general right now. I'm disappointed in myself to letting it get to this. But I tried. I tried to show him the light. I am not responsible for his recovery or realizations.

It just PISSES ME OFF that NOW he decided to get help. Now, when it's just too late, he decides he's ready. Wtf? Now, when divorce is in progress, he realizes his issues and admits them and breaks down and shows emotion.

Too late, too late. : :

It just sucks.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 09-10-2013, 08:58 AM
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I'm so so sorry for your loss. It is like a death of someone you love. Just remember tomorrow is another day and this feeling will pass. Much love to you.
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:02 AM
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Thank you.

I get these delusions of grandeur with him, thinking that MAYBE things could be worked out.

But then I catch myself and scream NO! No it can't work out. He's not even sober or really getting help. WORDS and IDEAS are not reality.

And my biggest fear is falling back into this. Most people i know with addictions tend to get sober just long enough to prove they can do it, prove they aren't 'addicted' any longer and slowly they begin their habit again...because they "have control now".

Bullshet.

I know what is right. I know what I need to do. It just sucks. I get so nervous walking into that courthouse. I'm doing the divorce myself...it's brutal. So many papers! And I think, HOW EASY for him! I'm doing all the work. A-feckin-gain.

Arg. A day of emotions.
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:02 AM
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And yet other days, I miss him like nothing else. Or rather, I miss the "him" that he was. Years ago before he was saturated with this poison.

We talk sometimes. He is starting his own recovery and I don't get involved. That's on him now. But I see and hear his pain. I no longer try to save him or rescue him. But it hurts.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's like a death, isn't it? The man I loved isn't here anymore, even when my STBXAH is sober. It's so difficult to comprehend that someone you loved so dearly is no longer walking this earth -- and yet he is.

Keep venting. Take care of yourself -- be extra kind to yourself. Do the next right thing, whatever that is.
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:15 AM
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that is why I am here trying to get sober trying to get help before my wife decides that I'm a lost cause
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:17 AM
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I don't believe my husband is a lost cause. I believe he has every strength to beat this if he wants it.

I just have to take care of myself now. I've taken care of him for 6 years...not realizing how sick I got in the process.

Kudos to you for getting sober. Please do. Don't try. DO. Don't get to where we are. It sucks.
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:20 AM
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I'm sorry beatle chick I was not saying he was a lost cause
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:22 AM
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I feel like I wrote this. My story is so parallel. I waited until my early thirties to get married. I went through the similar struggles and heartache with my marriage. My husband chose the bottle to deal with his childhood pain. Everyone is telling me how strong I am and all I want to do is fall apart. I am also dealing with the paperwork for divorce. It is a rollercoaster. I didn't want this. Any of it. But my husband doesn't want help and I don't want to live like this. So, I am picking up my head and moving forward.

Cheers to doing what it takes to find our own happiness!
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted by FishnHippy View Post
that is why I am here trying to get sober trying to get help before my wife decides that I'm a lost cause
You Get Sober for YOU.

*we* -- the folks in the other room -- like that even better.

Do Good.
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:29 AM
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I have learned through a lot of self work that my happiness comes from within myself. I CHOOSE to be happy in any given moment. That has been my greatest realization in all of this.

It's just such a sad state of affairs. I look at him and think, "Holy crap. How'd we end up here?!" But I know how we ended up here....he now understands how we end up here. Just a few nights ago he was at my door crying, saying everything I've ever wanted to hear. Not asking me to give him another chance, but the apologies of things even I forgot about. It felt good. I felt validated.

My stomach is in KNOTS right now as I get ready to go to the courthouse. It's so stressful. It's so sad. We're both sad. He realizes what he's done...and I can't forget what he's done...so it's over.

Arg. I just wanted a home with a family and a lover and fun. I was a single mom for SEVEN YEARS before I met him. And I was just fine. Just fine.

I know I'm strong but dammit....I will cry today and won't feel ashamed to do so.

I just wish friends understood. They don't. They don't "get" what alcoholism does or what it is because they don't deal with it. I had to stop talking about it all together because all I hear is "You're too good for that!" and "he's a lying jerk!" That may all be true, but...they don't get it.

You can't fight the devil with logic. It just doesn't work that way.
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:30 AM
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Originally Posted by FishnHippy View Post
I'm sorry beatle chick I was not saying he was a lost cause
I didn't think you were. I don't think your wife would either. But the RELATIONSHIP is a lost cause. For sure. This marriage is dead. It has to end.
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:42 AM
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I used to cry myself to sleep, every single night, for months on end because after holding it all together for work, DD & every other duty I had during the day I was just an exhausted mess at the end of the day with barely the energy to drag myself to my own bed.

Don't be afraid to let it out, BeatleChick, you will feel much better even if it changes nothing. Even if you have to do it every single day for months. Let. it. out.

Vent away here on SR - we know, we care, we've BTDT & have shoulders to cry on & stories to share. Consider Al-anon so you can have IRL people there helping in the same way.

No matter how much they wanted to none of my family or friends ever "got it" or provided me any real support until I was well into my crisis. It was so disappointing to me that my own mother, having been through the SAME D@MN thing with my AF, seemed to prefer to stick her head in the ground & never extend an offer of support or ask what was happening in my life. There were times when I seriously thought that she was having a hard time choosing sides between her daughter & ASIL & that almost hurt worse than everything else I was already going through.

((((BUG HUGS))) to you today!!!
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:43 AM
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BeatleChick--perhaps the reason that people think you have it all together is because you
("control freak"--your words) put on the mask that says you have it all together??.......just saying.....

Actually, none of us have total control of every aspect of our lives. No one who gets married get a gurantee that it will work out---even those without any addictions involved.

I think when we grow up in situations where we feel that we HAVE to control everything to be safe---we carry this erronious--and impossible---belief into our adult lives.

dandylion
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:50 AM
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BeatleChick---by the way----you don't need anybody's permission to cry when you are hurt:

LET'ER RIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a big fan of the "ugly" cry!!

dandylion
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Old 09-10-2013, 10:51 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
BeatleChick--perhaps the reason that people think you have it all together is because you
("control freak"--your words) put on the mask that says you have it all together??.......just saying.....

Actually, none of us have total control of every aspect of our lives. No one who gets married get a gurantee that it will work out---even those without any addictions involved.

I think when we grow up in situations where we feel that we HAVE to control everything to be safe---we carry this erronious--and impossible---belief into our adult lives.

dandylion
Yea. I was a control freak. Not anymore. I don't worry about anything but me and my kids now. Before, it was bad.

I worried that if i let go, my life would crash down. I panicked every day. I was in such a level of stress, my therapist was surprised I was still coping without any meds.

Then one day, with my therapist's help, I simply let go. and I was still alive. and it felt good.

People think I'm strong because I don't sit around crying about my life all day, every day. I take action and do what needs to be done, even when it sucks. I have to control this divorce because I started it. I have to control this house because I am the only adult in it. I have to pay bills, get my ass to work, cook dinner, clean, laundry, etc because my kids deserve that. No one else helps. Is that control or just doing what is needed to be done? I think I just do what needs to happen.

I am strong because I have to be. Sure, I'd love to curl up in a corner and forget about life, but I can't. I have shet to do.

I just get frustrated that because I'm considered strong, no one reaches out. I reach out to them. I have a few friends going through things and I reach out. I had to cut a couple from my life because it wasn't reciprocal.

I used to be a control freak. To the point of anxiety attacks. I haven't had an attack in almost 3 years I let things flow. I let things fall where they will. I take in information and make decisions in the moment. I'm doin pretty good.
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Old 09-10-2013, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
BeatleChick---by the way----you don't need anybody's permission to cry when you are hurt:

LET'ER RIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a big fan of the "ugly" cry!!

dandylion
lol Thanks I did cry. Am crying now.
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Old 09-10-2013, 10:59 AM
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Oh....papers are now stamped and filed.

It's done. Just have to get the final decree notarized and sent in.

wow. Very anticlimatic. I think I'll go get sushi.
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Old 09-10-2013, 12:55 PM
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Sounds like you did well-that must have been tough to do BUT you DID IT!!

Now put on some classic Beatles and enjoy your sushi, you deserve it!

(BTW, HUGE Beatles fan here, since 1964-especially Paul)
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Old 09-10-2013, 04:40 PM
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Originally Posted by AlcoholicLove View Post
Sounds like you did well-that must have been tough to do BUT you DID IT!!

Now put on some classic Beatles and enjoy your sushi, you deserve it!

(BTW, HUGE Beatles fan here, since 1964-especially Paul)
Yes. I am a Beatles lover. Since...1999 haha (when I was 23). Changed my life, they did. I met Paul in 2005 on his book tour. I'm even in his tour DVD oh yea. My daughter has his name as one of hers. Yea. I'm BeatleChick.

haha

I did do it. I feel better. Had sushi with a friend and sat in a park talking with her. It was nice. She's my own true friend that I have through thick and thin and I for her.

It was a nice afternoon. I feel good. This is all so heavy, but it was nice to take some time off from thinking.
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Old 09-10-2013, 09:56 PM
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I know what it's like to want someone to just REACH out to you. Genuinely show they care by coming over, etc. I'm sure it has been a crazy day for you. Sending you peace and warmth.

I balled off and on for like 2-3 months btw, a lifetime's worth, and I'm a guy! the hell... I was 19 in 99 =)
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