I keep trying to figure out when I went from social drinker to binge drinker.
...what if the answer looked something like, "because alcoholism is a progressive disease."
When it happens, why, why us, how come - even when I get to the answer, it doesn't make me feel much better.
It just is. For me, it helped bump me ahead in the monopoly game closer to passing "Go." Time for me to accept "what is" instead of trying to deny my reality.
Sorry you are struggling but good luck!