Dear GoingAlone, I think that alanon would be of enormous benefit to you, right now.
Actually, all the fear of losing the "perfect image" will not protect you in the long run, I am sorry to say. Since the alcoholism is progressive---it will implode at some point, if not arrested, and, everyone that doesn't already know-- will find out anyway.
No one wants their family torn apart. But, alcoholism will tear it apart from the inside---as you can already see.
Having to live in an active alcoholic home always causes damage to the children. One stable parent in a stable and predictable environment is much healthier for the children.
You will find in alanon that others have also had to face and deal with these same kinds of issues. I hope that you will consider that option--along with the forum here.
dandylion