Don't know what to do...

Old 09-05-2013, 09:55 AM
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Don't know what to do...

This is going to be long, but I don't know where else to turn & I need advice from people who can relate. I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone else I know about it & I don't want them to think less of my family. My husband and I have been married 10 years and we have 2 young children. He is a well respected man in the community & everyone sees us as the "sweet family". I've been covering for his alcoholism for a while, but it's to the point I can't anymore. He won't go to AA bc he doesn't want anyone to know or make them think less of him. He's always had an addictive personality & has kept it in check for most of the time I've known him, however over the last year or two he has slipped back into old routines & it's worse than I've ever seen it. At this point he is drinking 18-24 beers several nights a week & always at least 7 or 8. I don't think he's drinking during the day, but if he doesn't have a beer by 5:00 he starts showing signs of withdrawal. Then he retreats to the basement & drinks on his own for the rest of the night. I've stopped having friends over & going out with other couples bc he gets so drunk he's obnoxious. I've talked to him over & over about how it's ruining our marriage & he says "I know. I understand" then it's back to the same thing.
He is a wonderful man & I respect him so much, but I can't live like this. It's like he is two different men. I can't talk to him about business or family issues bc how he responds or wants to handle a situation when he's drinking is completely different than when he's sober. Or even worse he can't remember that we talked about it & gets upset at me the next day for how I handled it. He also goes off on these crazy tangents instead of discussing the facts. He's not a violent drunk, but instead turns into the "clingy/needy" drunk. I have two small kids. I'm tired at the end of the day, but instead he starts drinking & wants "attention". A drunk man is a HUGE turn-off to me & I can't stand to be around him. He'll stay up drinking until midnight or later most nights (sometimes even 3am) and it keeps me up. We run a business together & so I'm dealing with him 24-7. I can see the drinking is wearing on him & it's starting to effect our business. I've even started having panic attacks when I'm around him just from the stress of everything.

I don't want to tear my family apart, but I don't see him trying to change at all. I feel like I only have two choices, stay & just accept that this is my life & all the stress & drama that comes with it or leave & ruin the kid's lives. I've talked to him over & over & even told him, "You have to choose your family or the beer" & he said I choose my family, but he keeps drinking. Should I just ignore it & pretty much give up on the marriage we used to have or should I leave? I feel like I have no where to turn.
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Old 09-05-2013, 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by GoingAlone2 View Post

I feel like I only have two choices, stay & just accept that this is my life & all the stress & drama that comes with it or leave & ruin the kid's lives.
Only you can make the decision about whether or not you will leave, but consider that there are more than the two choices you listed. Staying could very well ruin your kids' lives far more than leaving would.
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Old 09-05-2013, 10:10 AM
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You have asked a loaded question there, whether you should leave or not. I think that's up to you to decide, on your own.
I think the answer to that will become clearer as you read here, and get responses also.
So I would do some reading and keep talking here.

First off, I want to say that you sound like you have a sound mind. I think you could use to hear that. You are not imagining things and you see his reality for what it is.
I think you can empower yourself right away on one thing that jumped out at me--his wanting attention in the evenings when he is drunk or on his way there--you have the right, and the power, to simply say--"Not when you are intoxicated".
This goes for conversations, physical desire, and anything else you want to throw in there.
You have the right to enforce that boundary. He will try to break it. You can simply walk away and refuse to engage, and tell him once again that you are not wavering on that rule you have made.
He can dislike it, and will. Too bad for him.
The message will be clear. Do not try to engage me in any way while you are intoxicated.
This is so that you aren't dragged into his crazy alcoholic thinking. He can do that alone, engage himself in his madness.

Rejection while drunk.
Who would consider that unreasonable?
Only a drunk.

It makes him look at himself whether he wants to or not.

Keep telling us those kinds of things that happen. You will learn how to empower yourself, and eventually, decide what you want to do overall.
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Old 09-05-2013, 10:12 AM
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Would it really be ruining the kids lives to not be around a drunken person? Because I can see no benefit to the kids being around a drunken person.
Usually a drunk is manipulative, intimidating, demanding, and unreasonable while intoxicated.
This confuses adults, and really confuses kids to the nth degree.
Rarely is spending time with a person who is drunk rewarding.
Thoughts to chew on.
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Old 09-05-2013, 10:19 AM
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GoingAlone2, I'm glad you found SR. Welcome. You will find understanding here. Take a look around, check the "stickies" at the top of the page - lots of good info to be had there. If you can manage it, an AlAnon meeting might be very good for you.

One thing I have seen many people write is that living with an active alcoholic is very destructive for the children. Again, others will have thoughts and more experience to offer, but I think you might not be ruining their lives were you to leave.

I feel for you about your evenings. Ours are like that sometimes, too. It's no fun. Take care.
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Old 09-05-2013, 11:22 AM
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I grew up in an alcoholic home and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I wish that someone had cared enough about my well being to get me out of there. If you do decide to stay, then at least get therapy lined up for your kids for the rest of their lives. No, I'm not exaggerating. Nothing good comes out of being a child in an alcoholic home if no one is willing to advocate for them.
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Old 09-05-2013, 11:44 AM
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Dear GoingAlone, I think that alanon would be of enormous benefit to you, right now.

Actually, all the fear of losing the "perfect image" will not protect you in the long run, I am sorry to say. Since the alcoholism is progressive---it will implode at some point, if not arrested, and, everyone that doesn't already know-- will find out anyway.

No one wants their family torn apart. But, alcoholism will tear it apart from the inside---as you can already see.

Having to live in an active alcoholic home always causes damage to the children. One stable parent in a stable and predictable environment is much healthier for the children.

You will find in alanon that others have also had to face and deal with these same kinds of issues. I hope that you will consider that option--along with the forum here.

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Old 09-05-2013, 12:41 PM
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Just 2 quick things: First, want to STRONGLY second the recommendation for Alanon. Here is a link to help you find a meeting. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Second, if you have any doubts about growing up in an alcoholic household being bad for your children, do some reading in this section of the forum: Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome, and please do as much reading as you can here. Educate yourself about alcoholism. Go to Alanon. Your path will start to become clear to you.
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Old 09-05-2013, 01:45 PM
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[QUOTE=GoingAlone2;4162250. Or even worse he can't remember that we talked about it & gets upset at me the next day for how I handled it. He also goes off on these crazy tangents instead of discussing the facts. He's not a violent drunk, but instead turns into the "clingy/needy" drunk. [/QUOTE]

This was exactly my situation. Sometimes, with all the awful stories of alcoholic violence that I would read here (and elsewhere), I would get confused about how bad things were with my XABF. He never abused me physically, after all...

BUT, he DID make me question my sanity (over and over), try to shift blame to me (you are the liar, you don't love me enough, it's all because I miss you so much), act extremely needy (because he had alienated everyone else, and couldn't work), and leave me feeling generally miserable and unsettled much of the time.

Because of the active alcoholism, he was simply not able to be a reliable, loving partner, even though I know it's what he wanted. And he certainly could not be a stable, caring adult in my daughters' lives.

In the end, he actually admitted to being BROKEN and a LIABILITY, which I do give him credit for saying. However, shortly after saying that, he was begging me to be with him. That's how alcoholics think.

But we do not have to think the way they think. Period. You do have somewhere to turn and you have turned here. Please keep reading, and posting. The wisdom and experience on this site are amazing, and can help you build a vision of a better life for you and your children. Whether your husband ever seeks recovery, or not.

Take care,
SQ
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Old 09-05-2013, 08:33 PM
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Hello GoingAlone...you are in a tough spot sweetie...you will know when the time is right as far as leaving when the pain of staying is greater than the thought of the pain of leaving...right now he is feeding his addiction and he is only doing what addicts do. My ExAH was very similar to your husband as far as being needy attention grabbing while drunk and it is very mind debilitating so I can sympathize with you - are you going to any Al-Anon meetings anywhere ?

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Old 09-06-2013, 07:28 AM
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I haven't gone to any meetings yet. This is the first place I've turned. I've more or less been suffering in silence. The kids are so young at this point that they don't really understand & he's a closet drinker, so they don't see it. If he was ranting & stumbling around where they could see, we would have been gone yesterday. He usually starts drinking at 6ish, so that's the time I am making dinner, bedtime routines, etc... so they are busy with me & don't notice. To them, Daddy is the person that comes inside for 5 min. at a time, gives them a hug & then goes back outside. For the last few nights, I have gone to bed with the kids & left him up drinking. I am choosing not to be a part of that, but it's a very lonely choice. I also know shielding them in this way won't be possible forever. I know he loves us (and we love him) & he works so hard to provide for us, but the drinking is the giant elephant in the room & it's growing. I agree with what so many of you have said that I will know when the time is right to leave. Today, I don't think leaving is the right choice. I don't have enough facts about separating to make a decision I am comfortable with. Even though it may be naïve, I also still have hope that he will stop & everything will be fine. However, I also don't want to look back in 5 years & think "Why did I stay so long & now I have wasted important years of my kids' lives and my life?". I'm not sure if leaving would be easier when the kids are younger or older. My oldest daughter is old enough to remember our life together, but the baby won't know any different. Anyone have experience with this and like to weigh in?

From those of you that have separated or divorced due to alcoholism, how does that weigh in on custody of children? If at some point, we do separate due to his drinking, there is no way I would want my children under his care if he is drinking.

Thanks for listening. It makes me feel so much better just knowing that I'm not the only one going through this.
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Old 09-06-2013, 07:41 AM
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Goingalone, for right now--keep doing exactly what you are doing--reaching out in a proactive way. LEARN, LEARN, LEARN. Knowlege is power. Read all of the information in the "stickies" at the top of this main page--a wealth of information there. There are many classic readings suggested, there. "Co-dependent No More" is a frequent starting point for many of us.

Attending alanon will support you as you sort out many of the concerns that you have, right now.

As you go forward, the fog will begin to lift for you.

I know how we all cling to hope that "he will stop and everything will be fine", but remember that hope is a wish--but is not a plan.

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Old 09-06-2013, 08:05 AM
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GoingAlone, I think you can have a free consultation with a lawyer (and I believe they are bound by confidentiality) just to gain a bit of perspective on your legal situation. You certainly don't have to do anything with that information, but it can't hurt to have it. I saw a lawyer two years ago so I'd be armed with knowledge. It was a positive thing.

Take care.
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Old 09-06-2013, 08:43 AM
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Dr Phil says kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. He also says kids notice more than adults think they do, even if they are quite young. I dont think you will ruin your kids lives should you decide to leave your husband. They might appreciate the calm not living with dad can provide.
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Old 09-06-2013, 09:58 AM
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Wisconsin said exactly what I was going to say.

And I could have written your post a few, maybe eight-or-so years ago. Successful husband, respected in the community, everyone saw us as the perfect family.

Today, he is teetering on the edge of homelessness, doesn't have a job, and is mentally confused, all because of his drinking.

I would say one aspect to consider is the strictly financial part. You're in business together as well as married. Which means your finances are intertwined. So thus far, you haven't seen a financial impact of his drinking. What happens when he starts making costly mistakes in the business, taking money to finance his drinking habit, gets arrested for drunk driving...? You may find it impossible to consider that scenario right now -- but it's a very realistic one if he doesn't get help.

I'm having one heck of a hard time not yelling "RUUUUN! RUN FOR THE HILLS!" because of my own experiences. There was a point in time where I could have left and told people "my husband had a drinking problem and chose alcohol over me." Instead, I waited, his alcoholism ran its course, and I tell people "I left my alcoholic abusive husband when he threatened to kill the entire family."

Obviously, I never in a million years thought it would get to that point either.
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Old 09-06-2013, 11:32 AM
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Well, your situation is mine 10 years ago. My kids are now 14 and 17, and we all still live in the same household with my AH. We are not divorced at this point. Did I do the right thing? Probably not, Maybe? I still don't know. But, my kids are well provided for, doing great in school and their personal lives, and they know that their Dad loves them despite his illness... which is what it is, an all consuming sickness. They learned that not only from me, but also by going thru a rehab facility family program about alcoholism. It hasn't been pretty for my kids all the time, because well, life isn't pretty all the time. We all have our demons. But, I don't feel it's been the most horrible life for them either- partly because I do live with a functioning alcoholic yet. I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home, but I grew up with a mentally ill mother instead. So, IMO very few homes, or people are perfect no matter what you try to control. I guess it's all in what you determine is livable or not. My husband isn't abusive or non-functioning, if he had been then I would have left for sure. I have learned to detach from my emotional needs as his wife, and learned I didn't need to feel bad about rejecting him when he's drunk, I don't need to give into anything when he's like that, you don't either. Obviously it is and will continue to affect your lives in various ways, but it's really up to you to determine what's too much. If you don't want to go to Alanon because you're not comfortable with it yet, at least hang out on here, read some books, Co-dependent no More is a great resource to start with. I know many would criticize my decision to stay, but I honestly think every home and situation is different and there is no one answer that fits all. My heart goes out to you.
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Old 09-06-2013, 11:53 AM
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Originally Posted by funkynassau View Post
Dr Phil says kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. He also says kids notice more than adults think they do, even if they are quite young. I dont think you will ruin your kids lives should you decide to leave your husband. They might appreciate the calm not living with dad can provide.
I'm guessing Dr. Phil is not perfect and his own kids wonder about his methods as abrasive as he can be sometimes...but for the record about his statement about kids rather being from a broken home than live in one...depends on how broken it is. As my kids have gotten older I have had discussions about this very topic. They both tell me that they do not feel threatened in any way living here, and are comfortable with most things but feel frustrated at times. So, maybe I need ask Dr. Phil if I should rip my kids out of their comfort zone? Seems pretty obvious that this is a situation by situation thing. What or who determines a home is broken anyway? I happen know some very broken kids from divorced homes, it helped nothing the egg was still cracked. Staying or leaving someone outside of abuse in it's many forms is a very complicated thing.
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Old 09-06-2013, 09:05 PM
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Lillamy is dead on....johnny on the spot. GoingAlone...follow your heart for awhile until you gather the strength to do what we old timers know has to be done. My husband loved our family too...it's just that eventually....the alcohol won out...I - like you let him be and concentrated on my household duties after work and dug in with the homework and laundry and dinner ect.....then it became my responsibility to do the outside chores as well and cutting 7 acres wasn't fun especially after dark...can you see the very real painting I am painting for you yet?? Just keep your eyes and your ears OPEN at all times....and put away at least a thousand or two for what will be one day very necessary to have tucked away. Click on any of our names to read our histories okay you can learn alot from some of our personal stories...welcome here to sober recovery.

Janitw
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Old 09-06-2013, 09:30 PM
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You are me 15 years ago. I wish I would have escaped then. My kids are now 21 and 17 and his drinking went from large amount of beers to hard liquor. And it got worse. I spent so much energy trying to "hide" the kids from his behavior. Our mutual friends have disappeared (thank God for mine). Go to Alanon and like others have suggested start putting money away for YOU. For your escape. My husband did detox twice and rehab once. I was hopeful every time. He would be ok for awhile (once for a year) but then he wouldn't work the program and he would stop at the liquor store. The alcohol wins every time. I thought I was supportive by keeping a dry home. But it didn't matter. Our sex life disappeared. Can't respect someone that acts like a child. Me. Me. Me. His addiction is all that matters. I have not taught my kids how to have a healthy relationship with alcohol such as a glass of wine with dinner. All they saw was an extreme with my husband. I am looking at a separation now. 25 years.
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Old 09-07-2013, 06:24 AM
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Last night, he had a beer in his hand before I even saw him come in the door. He genuinely wanted to spend time with us & was being sweet. But by this point I see the beer & I just want to scream (but I don't). He hid out on the back porch most of the night drinking. I think he must have our neighbor making late night beer runs when he runs out which is embarrassing. When he finally did come in, it was all about him wanting some "loving". I used to give in thinking just get it over with & save the fight. But as past experiences have taught me, sex with a drunk isn't always enjoyable. Also, as he's drinking more his performance is suffering which is frustrating. So last night, I said no. He started texting me about how he was tired of trying to love on me, what's really going on, etc... I told him "I hate the drinking" he responded whatever, another night of misery. Enjoy!!!
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