This post is bitter sweet for me. I had posted on this thread after my first go at sobriety. After reading my post I realize that my symptoms now have truly progressed in just over a year and a half. Alcoholism is definitely progressive in nature. When I quit the first time I had drinking quite a bit more than I have in this last year. One would think that by "cutting back" the symptoms wouldn't progress as much as they did.
I feel the need to update this post now.
Annoying body issues with drinking:
1. Uncontrollable hand tremors after drinking (didn't have that the first time)
2. Diarrhea every day for months until 2 weeks ago. (more severe than before)
3. Horrible anxiety during and after drinking ( I used to only have headaches and hangovers, but no anxiety really.)
4. Alienated more family and friends to the point that they text and ask if I'm o.k. since they hadn't heard from me...and still not calling or texting back until I got annoyed enough to do so, so that they would leave me alone.
5. Felt that I was completely hopeless and that life wasn't worth living.
I haven't posted or mentioned this to anyone. If it's inappropriate and this gets taken down, then that's fine but here goes. The day before I quit this time and got back on SR, I got really drunk and felt the lowest that I had in my entire life. I went into my bedroom and emptied all the shells out of my revolver and just stared at it. I pointed it at myself and pulled the trigger.
For days I didn't think about it again until recently. What if....WHAT IF...I had thought that all the shells were out of the gun but one was left over??? I would have killed myself.
THAT goes far beyond annoying body issues, I know. It's a serious wake up call. I'm not suicidal so don't worry about that. Having a couple of weeks under my belt to process that moment has scared the sh** out of me. I'm thankful that I'm here right now drinking my coffee and typing this.
At least I can look back to this post and see where I was, and subsequently where I went, practically to hell, even though I wasn't drinking a half gallon of rum in 2 days as before over a year and a half ago.
I hope this post doesn't offend anyone, but it's the truth. My post the first time seemed so light and airy, I had no real symptoms to complain about. I'd say almost killing myself is probably the worst of the worst. I haven't told anyone about this or ever written in my journal about it. I guess I just wanted to pretend that I didn't go that far.
I realize that my life IS worth living and that this has to be the end of drinking for me FOREVER. I can't go back to that state of mind again. No moderation possible here, not even a thought that crosses my mind now. I know that I cannot drink no matter what happens. Trying to moderate for a year and this is where it brought me, almost to death.