Thank you for your post Sasha4. It certainly helps to hear from the other side of the fence and I appreciate your advice. I will get another phone and tell my son I had to change my number. That way I can separate him from my normal everyday working life. He surprises me with his total disinterest in participating in life. He was so ambitious and determined, very adventurous. Alcohol robs you of all of that. It takes the wind out of your sails. As a mother it is heartbreaking to witness such a promising life become so hopeless. He has dinner with his grandparents and they give him wine. His father takes him out to restaurants at the weekend and buys him beer. I cannot stop this. Before, when I was in total denial, he'd come down and stay with me and I'd be persuaded to take him to the local bar for a couple of pints too. It was only the last time that he got very angry with me because I insisted on leaving after two, so when we arrived home, he packed his bags and drove off.... drinking and driving. I've met him once since in the city but it's been lunch in a cafe with coffee and walks in the park. I've noticed his mood is quite pleasant to begin with but as the day progresses he becomes short tempered and irritable with laboured breathing and I take this to mean he can't wait to get rid of me and go and have a drink. I used to think his angry mood swings were due to the fact that I had said something that he thought was stupid and I'd annoyed him.
But thank you Sasha4. You have made my decision to cut the contact to a minimum a whole lot easier to bear. If it will help him to get sober, I'll be very tough. My only concern is that he will take a plane and go back to New York. He lived in a very rough area of Brooklyn for a couple of years with gangsters as friends, doing casual waiting and bar work... getting fired constantly or walking out, then ringing home for a bail out. When he returned home the last time he was so skinny and stank of alcohol. He also had a few scars when he'd been attacked. I'll never know the extent of that episode and probably better that I don't know. If he went back there, I'd be devastated.
It's very reassuring to hear that so many sons have sobered up. I hope that one day soon I can come and post on here that my son has had the strength to make that decision too.