Mother of an alcoholic son

Old 09-02-2013, 01:57 AM
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Mother of an alcoholic son

I have suspected for some time that my son has a drink problem but like most mothers I guess I was in denial in order to keep my memories alive... that lovely little boy I had the pleasure of bringing up. I didn't want to see the grown man he'd become - the very clever manipulator, the user and the emotional abuser.

Like most alcoholics, my son likes to play the blame game and for years I felt guilty and took on board the blame for all his problems. I was the classic enabler, always ready to give money whenever he called to tell me he had no money for food. I've forgiven time after time,the emotional blackmail and the abuse which usually takes the form of text messages or emails, either blaming me for being a terrible mother or telling me that he's a waste of time and now he realises that he will never amount to anything and that it is no wonder all of his father's family and his friends laugh at him for his music aspirations and unrealistic goals. It is heartbreaking to hear him talking like this and it has worked every time to bring me to my knees and offer him whatever I can.

After a while though I had to face the fact that he spoke like this when he was drunk. That when he was drunk he had a huge pity party and made me the target for the emotional abuse It is also very well timed to have maximum impact.

I'm so fed up with his mood swings now. I feel that it would be better for me to cut him off completely and let him and his father get on with it. I am divorced from his father, have been for 30 years now. I have tried to talk to him about the problem but he won't speak to me. I have sent him countless messages to please meet me to discuss the problem and what we should do as a family but he refuses to engage in any discussion. He is in total denial. He goes out and takes my son for pints of beer and has provided a nice home for him free of charge, free of bills. All my son has to do is help his father on occasion with some manual work and my son begrudges doing even that. He refuses to go out and get a job. He used to teach guitar but even that has now been dismissed. He has no interest in anything at all, yet he is very clever and articulate.

He is a contradiction. He takes great care of himself - lots of exercise and healthy eating and yet he is an alcoholic who doesn't see this as a problem. It's like he thinks that exercise and healthy eating will counter the effects of the alcohol and he'll be okay. That's the impression I get.

He has tried living with me a few times this year but it has always been a terrible and traumatic drama for me, resulting in him packing his bags and leaving within a few days, sometimes hours. One time he came back with a friend and was very drunk, shouting and swearing at me... very abusive. He even threw a pack of beer at me, accusing me of being the drunk as he'd found them in a kitchen cupboard and accused me of 'hiding' them. Again trying to put the blame on me.

Last night he sent me numerous texts all complaining about his 'mentally ill' father (I get a lot of those)... and I'm sure he complains to his father about his 'mentally ill' mother too. I realise he has played one off against the other for a very long time. And because I didn't react, just as I was about to go to sleep around midnight, he sent me the one that was supposed to wound me... the one to worry me so that I couldn't sleep. He told me that he wouldn't be able to see me during the month of September as his father was very busy with work and that he had to help him out a lot and that he would be in touch. On the surface that sounds like a caring son, but the truth is that he couldn't care less about helping out his father. I'd just given him money for food the day before and now he was back on the emotional blackmail treadmill.... the build up to the next request for money.

Every time I fall for it. The "I love you Mum" text messages are spread out between the abusive ones, intended to keep me confused.

It is heartwrenching to be the mother of an alcoholic son. He's 33 and so far his life has been one big party, totally irresponsible and allowing others to 'keep' him like it's his birthright to be provided for. I shouldn't have to be buying his food and paying for lunch out when I see him. It's pathetic and yet he's so very good at manipulating me that I find myself doing it willingly to have his company and to keep him in a fairly even tempered mood. To keep up the pretense, the denial. He is in denial. He has never admitted that he is an alcoholic. But I know. I know in my heart he's an addict.

Anyways, sorry this was a long post. I woke up this morning with a heavy heart... wishing the problem would just go away, wishing that I could pack up and run away. Wishing that I had the guts to maintain 'no contact' and get on with my life and try and find some piece of happiness for myself. I have no other family. He is all I've got. I don't want to lose him and yet I have anyway. I don't know who is he anymore.

Thank you for reading.
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Old 09-02-2013, 02:33 AM
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Hello Mum, Welcome to SR!

The reason I searched the internet and found SoberRecovery one night was because of my stepson--who is an adult in his 30's.

My stepson was very good at telling other people why they were the problem when it was usually all the vodka, beer, and crack he was consuming. He was horribly verbally abusive to his entire family, and was cut off by almost everyone.

Only recently, after finally working to battle his demons, has he begun to communicate with and even spend time with some of the family members he hurt while drinking.

Please know, you don't have to take that kind of abuse--and make no mistake, it is abuse. What we had to do with 'Jr.' was to tell him that if he started to yell or be abusive on the phone we would end the call -- and we did. It took a few tries, but he finally understood we would not put up with it.

Welcome again, mum! I hope you will stick around. You will find plenty of support here! S
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Old 09-02-2013, 05:20 AM
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Thank you Seren. Whilst I'm not a big fan of his father, I see him as having been a good one. He works hard and has paid for our son to have a very good education and like me, he has done his best for his only child. But to hear the constant complaints from my son on a daily basis about the poor guy really saddens me. You know what I want to say to my son? "Well, if you dislike your father and his family so much, I suggest you pack your bags and leave all his hospitality behind, get a job and support yourself". But we don't say these things because of the drama the truth will create... more emotional draining, abusive text messages, tantrums etc. I'm sure he says awful things about me to his father and the family too because they always play one off against the other. I bet whilst I've been giving him money, he's had his father give him money too. Why should he go out and get a job? After all he must practice his guitar at least 5 hours a day to become the best he can be! He has never earned a cent from being a musician, except when he gave lessons which he is also now refusing to do. It's all too humiliating for him.

I just got another long text from him whilst I was in a business meeting complaining about his father and how it is 'a little upsetting' for him to be around someone with such a negative mindset. How about his own negative mindset! He says he needs to use his time there to get into an empowering position where he can thrive and allow his talents to flower in order to improve each aspect of his life, otherwise it will be ruined amidst that family.

They always make it sound like it's everyone else's problem and never theirs. They're the victims, the special ones... everyone else is mental. I've been hearing the same old story now for years. If only he could see his life from our perspective. A very handsome and without doubt talented young man who has been blessed with parents that bent over backwards to help him get along in life. So lucky. Yet if you ask him about his childhood and his life, he'd spin you a heart wrenching tale of how neglected he was and highlight all the things we didn't do for him, omitting everything that we did do.

I've fallen for this ******** for years. I absorbed the blame for everything. I even felt guilty for allowing him to go and live with his father when he was 17 and a half. I was made to feel guilty like a demon parent who discarded her son. When in reality I merely wanted him to go to a better school and get better grades in his father's catchment area so that he could go to a better university. He even blamed me for 'forcing' him to go to university. He won't acknowledge his degree and it's never seen the light of day. He considers it a useless piece of paper and a total waste of time. He partied for most of the time spent at university and his hard working father paid off all of his student debt for him after he graduated too.

If only his father would communicate with me so that we can stop the nonsense together because I feel that unless we stick up for each other and stay on the same side, our son will never get a taste for the consequences of his irresponsible actions. As alcoholism is a progressive illness, we will see a spiral of deterioration all round. Sadly, his father and his grandparents blame me for the way our son is. They tell my son that I'm an awful person... or so he tells me. He's always telling me tales of what his grandparents say about me. They only knew me for 2 years, 30 years ago. It seems bizarre and maybe it's all lies. Who knows with alcoholics what is truth and what isn't? Maybe he goes along with the lies to get more out of them... playing the pity party card of how terrible it was for him to have such an awful mother.

About 10 years ago, I took on some extra work and so I gave my son the extra money I'd earned that month. It amounted to quite a bit. I gave it to him so that he could go to Los Angeles to pursue his music aspirations. After he arrived there, he sent me the most hateful and hurtful email accusing me of being responsible for him becoming a heavy drinker and a compulsive dope addict, adding that the money I gave him from my hard work was the least he deserved for all the bad things that occurred to him when he was young such as not helping him to choose the right subjects at school, not knowing the old man next door was a pedophile and molested him when he was 16 (when he came home drunk), forcing him to go to university. It was all my fault and I took it all on board and blamed myself. Years of my life were filled with 'if only'.

Now when I look back at it all, I've taken all of his abuse and accusations and I've forgiven him and given and given to him. All the while I've been holding down a career, started my own business and have had major surgery on my own... he didn't even come to visit me in hospital or call me afterwards to check that I was alright.

I wish I'd never had a child. He has broken my heart and sometimes I have to find a branch to hold on to, an incentive to make me want to carry on in all honesty. My joy in life has come from helping young people in developing countries realise their dreams. I wish my son would go to one of these countries just to see how other kids have to live, how limited their choices are and what little they have in life to be content with. His attitude is sickening me today. I really do feel like cutting him out of my life now. I've just about had enough.

Again, apologies for the length of this post. It is such a relief for me to be able to write all this down and share it. I've bottled up all this resentment and bewilderment for so long now. I have been so lonely carrying this despair and putting on my brave face in the real world.

Thank you for allowing me to get it out.
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Old 09-02-2013, 08:09 AM
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Dear Mum, I too have an alcoholic son and have experienced much of what you have. I also feel I have been manipulated for years and continue to give my son money to keep him from living on the streets. I have been working very hard on detaching and it helps. Talking to others who have been where I am and advice from Al Anon have helped me. I'm still struggling with letting go but have set boundaries and will not talk to him if he's been drinking. I now turn off my phone at night. If something happens, I won't know and won't be able to bail him out. I've learned that as much as I want him to change, I can't make him and it has to be up to him. I still pray every night that he will. Good luck and just know that you are not alone.
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Old 09-02-2013, 01:39 PM
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numbmum,

Sometimes, the hardest love we can give a child is tough love.

Forgive me for saying but he sounds like a self centered brat trapped in a man's body. You know he's playing you n dad and he's obviously played grandparents, he's got dad warped so what else is there?

Let him go. I know it's easier said than done.

Just from reading your post, I feel like you've given him so much already. When does Mum ever cut the cord? When does Mum take care of herself? When does Mum just know that she did everything she could to raise this child?

^^^RIGHT NOW^^^ He's a man now Mum. Let him find out what the real world is like on his own. You don't owe him a damn ounce of your time or energy if he's going to treat you like a piece of sh!t!!! He's going to find out someday that Mum n Dad won't live forever and then what?
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Old 09-02-2013, 11:57 PM
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I appreciate your replies, thank you very much. I have a good friend, a single hard working mum like myself whose son just cut her off from one day to the next after he moved out and in with his girlfriend. He's on drugs. She said to me that at least having no contact enables her to get on with her own life without worrying about him and that he made a choice not to be a part of her family.

I make a decision to cut him off and then after a couple of weeks he sends me a text that weakens my resolve and he reels me back in, then gets money off me and spits me back out again. It's because he's my only son that I've clung on. But I'm just about done now. Your post hits home BoxinRotz. I was thinking of doing some voluntary work here in my community, befriending a child from the orphanage and taking him or her out for the day a couple of times a month but I want to do it for the child and not for personal reasons, so I've held back on doing that until I'm ready. I think I'm almost ready now.

I'm glad I posted here. I feel better for having written it all down.

Devastated1 - I switched my phone off last night and slept like a log!
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Old 09-03-2013, 05:55 AM
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I'm also mom to a 23 year old alcoholic. My son is now almost 8 months sober, but we've had some hellish times to get to this point. I think the addict/alcoholic figure out where we are most vulnerable and strike us there when they are in desperate straights. Fortunately, for me, my DS wasn't a mean drunk. He mostly just isolated himself in his room and was drinking himself to death. We were fairly good about not enabling- however, for a long time we provided a roof over his head because having him live homeless on the streets was extremely difficult for his Dad and me --- and he knew it.

I think I'm fortunate that there wasn't anything in his uprbinging that I felt guilty about or that he could use to try and manipulate us further than he already was. Like your DS, my son had a great life filled with many opportunities. Unfortunately, they were born with the genetic predisposition to be addicts.

While drinking my DS appeared to have so many problems (underemployed, not driving, socially isolating, depressed)- its amazing how stopping drinking has fixed most of his problems.

Let your DS hit bottom and figure out how to take care of himself. It wasn't until my DS was truly out of options, that he finally realized that he did not want to continue to live that way. He's now sober, working full time, taking college courses, driving, and experiencing life. So, don't give up hope but just know there is NOTHING that you can do that make your son want to get sober. Well, there is one thing that might help- don't make it easier for him to live the life of an alcoholic.

Remember that you didn't cause your son to become an alcoholic and can't change or cure him. You can only change yourself and it sounds like you are on your way to taking care of you and finding your serenity. Hang around and you'll get so much from this board.
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Old 09-03-2013, 06:18 AM
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Hi, your story really hit me. I was a friend to an alkie who is 56 and retired and lives with his elderly mother. They fight like cat and dog and he is so verbally abusive to her yet when he's calm he tells her he loves her, makes her tea etc. But mostly it's one fight after another, he claims she's crazy, but I dont think she is. I think she's a first class enabler, tho. His dad is dead, but he finds ways to bring up dad's name, and it's never very nice.

There are a lot of similarities in your story and his, it's almost eerie. I had to cut contact with him as he drove me nuts with his manipulation (he does that very well to his mother) abusive crap and inability to remain sober for more than a few hours. I feel bad for his mom but there's nothing I can do.

I dont really have any good words of advice for you but I'm sure someone else here will.
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Old 09-03-2013, 02:10 PM
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I haven't replied to my son's last text message. And I am going to ignore all messages from now on. It isn't easy to ignore him but I am going to exercise tough love here. I sent a message to his father this evening too. I told him what I had decided to do and made the suggestion he exercised tough love too in order to help our son to straighten out. I won't get a reply and he'll probably delete without reading but I tried. I am withdrawing from this drama. At least for a few months, maybe a year and maybe longer. However long it takes.... one day at a time for now.
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Old 09-03-2013, 02:45 PM
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Hi numbmum

I have had issues with drink. My mum has issues with drink.
I hope you don't mind me commenting on your post, I am 18 months sober.

I know that when my drinking was bad, I used to say hurtful things, do hurtful things, let people down, especially family.

I always thought I can just say sorry and they will accept it as after all how she not, she's my mum? Or he's family and family means instant forgiveness, every things forgotten and your back to having their full support until you pick up another drink.

I know I did that.
And I feel bad now for doing that.

It has made me different though now in the way that I am treated by my problem drinker mum.

It's not okay because I'm your daughter and you can treat me how you want, to ring me and ask how I am when you have sunk 2 bottles of wine and you are slurring and incoherent.

It's not okay to make no time for me at all through the weekend and the week when I am working and then ring me when your drunk and moan at me and be too sloshed to ask how I am, how my daughter is.

It's not okay to forget something I told you when you had far to much to drink and had blacked out and then be rude when I remind you and you have no memory.

Its not okay that I am on the receiving end of your drunken antics and hurtful behaviour, but because I am your daughter, I have to instantly forgive you.

I decided that I was not going to do that.

I have put into place standards that apply to everyone in my life, friends, family and colleagues. If my mum rings when she is drunk, I end the phone call and say I would love to speak to you sober. I would do that to other friends too.

If my mum becomes nasty when drunk, then I will not retaliate, I will just leave. That applies to other friends and colleagues too.

A person should not act badly and expect forgiveness will be given because its family, its easy, of course we all love each other.

I think I did make a very slight impact when I told my mum that often her behaviour with drink makes me not like her.

I do think you are so right not to respond to his texts.
I think you should switch your phone of more!
Maybe even think about having a different mobile for him to text on and check it once a day. Then have another mobile for your everyday life away from him.

I would also be quite slow to respond to him when he texts.

I know myself I would often upset someone, say at a party or on the telephone and come round from a blackout and think what did I say, what did I do?
I would be cursing myself for failing to stick to 2 drinks or whatever ridiculous plan I conjured up to avoid blacking out when really I should not be drinking in the first place.

I would be dreading making the phone call or seeing the people I had been with. What had i done? What did I say?

As soon as I said sorry, gave some rubbish explanation like I did not eat very much yesterday, the drink went to my head, and I felt the sorry was accepted I carried and went straight back to drinking far too much.

The quicker I said my sorry, and of course they have to accept it straight away, then the quicker I can start drinking again.

Missing a few texts and not replying, not showing an interest, or saying 'I am sorry you feel that way' but nothing else will do you the world of good and make him realise he cannot just expect instant forgiveness on his terms, his time frame just because its your his mum, thats what mums do, mums always love you.

I am really glad you found us and joined.
I hope you don't mind me jumping in on your post.

I wish you the best

xxxx
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:35 PM
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I know exactly what you're going through. My 22 year old son is an alcoholic and I've lived through the abuse and misery too. he was a person I didn't know when drinking. He's been sober for 10 months now and has surely changed so much, but the pain of what I've seen and heard is still with me. You're not alone. Hugs to you. My son's alcoholism has been the most painful thing I've ever had to live through.
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Old 09-03-2013, 11:44 PM
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Thank you for your post Sasha4. It certainly helps to hear from the other side of the fence and I appreciate your advice. I will get another phone and tell my son I had to change my number. That way I can separate him from my normal everyday working life. He surprises me with his total disinterest in participating in life. He was so ambitious and determined, very adventurous. Alcohol robs you of all of that. It takes the wind out of your sails. As a mother it is heartbreaking to witness such a promising life become so hopeless. He has dinner with his grandparents and they give him wine. His father takes him out to restaurants at the weekend and buys him beer. I cannot stop this. Before, when I was in total denial, he'd come down and stay with me and I'd be persuaded to take him to the local bar for a couple of pints too. It was only the last time that he got very angry with me because I insisted on leaving after two, so when we arrived home, he packed his bags and drove off.... drinking and driving. I've met him once since in the city but it's been lunch in a cafe with coffee and walks in the park. I've noticed his mood is quite pleasant to begin with but as the day progresses he becomes short tempered and irritable with laboured breathing and I take this to mean he can't wait to get rid of me and go and have a drink. I used to think his angry mood swings were due to the fact that I had said something that he thought was stupid and I'd annoyed him.

But thank you Sasha4. You have made my decision to cut the contact to a minimum a whole lot easier to bear. If it will help him to get sober, I'll be very tough. My only concern is that he will take a plane and go back to New York. He lived in a very rough area of Brooklyn for a couple of years with gangsters as friends, doing casual waiting and bar work... getting fired constantly or walking out, then ringing home for a bail out. When he returned home the last time he was so skinny and stank of alcohol. He also had a few scars when he'd been attacked. I'll never know the extent of that episode and probably better that I don't know. If he went back there, I'd be devastated.

It's very reassuring to hear that so many sons have sobered up. I hope that one day soon I can come and post on here that my son has had the strength to make that decision too.
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Old 09-04-2013, 05:20 AM
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Numbmum if you get another phone he's going to want that phone #. It might be better to keep the first phone for his calls or texts and get a new one for everyone else and dont tell him that #
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Old 09-04-2013, 05:53 AM
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Originally Posted by funkynassau View Post
Numbmum if you get another phone he's going to want that phone #. It might be better to keep the first phone for his calls or texts and get a new one for everyone else and dont tell him that #
Thats completely what I meant too.
Don't let him have your new number.

xx
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Old 09-04-2013, 12:12 PM
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I didn't have time to type this this morning.
But I wanted to, I thought it might help you.

I work full time, live about an hour away from my parents. At the time I was probably about 34/35 years old when I was doing what I am going to tell you.

I used to drink to excess every night, but not during the day. However weekends I would start drinking as soon as I could get away with it.

I would engineer to go for a pub lunch, but I did not care about the food, I wanted to drink.

I would also engineer to have arguments with my partner, that would give me a valid reason to flounce off the shop and buy a huge bottle of vodka.

In my head, he was horrid so I was entitled to drink. I did change what i was fed up about if he was not there - such as work, family, whatever.

I would drink myself silly and on two occasions I drank far too much and my sister spoke to me on the phone, became worried about me, came over with my mum and dad and found me collapsed drunk in the hall of my house.

The first time, they said it did not matter, took me home, let me sleep it off, cuddles me, let me cry, made me something to eat and drink. They said it was okay I had nothing to be sorry about. I just needed to be happy.

So I just carried on. Probably not to the same extent, but I learnt nothing.
I work in a job where we entertain a lot and go for drinks and I would drink myself into a hideous state. How I did not loose my job I don't know, although I am still haunted about how my colleagues view me.

However, my mum and dad went to an al-anon meeting, and learnt to not dash over, rescue me, clean me up, make me feel better.
They said it was unacceptable to drink to the extremes I did and they wanted no part in it and would not help me if I did not help myself.

For me, them getting to that point where they expressed disgust at what I was doing made me feel I had to sort myself out.
No-one was going to catch me when I fell.
No-one was going to say it's okay.
They were going to say its far from okay you behave like that.

My point is that by responding to his drunken texts, giving him money, letting him whine to you, forgiving his drunken antics straight away means he has it easy as far as you are concerned.

I didn't stop drinking straight away, but I realised that if I did not want to get in the states I had or people witness like that then gossip about me, the only thing I could do was not drink.

If I did not have that first drink I could not get drunk.
I also realised and understood that alcohol was not a gift, treat, celebration, reward or anything else nice for me.

I do think that we all have to 'get it' at some points in our life.
By 'get it' I mean that drinking is just not an option for me. Even one is a problem for me.

I am glad I 'got it' in my 30's than my 50's.
I would have hated to have drunk for another 20/30 years.
I could still have a child, advance my career, save money. I had not lost it all.

If you rescue your son every time he has a tantrum or behaves badly he will not 'get it'. He has no reason to. You will sort it out for me.

The longer you do this the older he will get before 'getting it' and by then there will lots more things to loose and miss out on in life.

Do you want him to 'get it' now or put up with this for another 10 years?

I really do wish you the best.
I am from the other side, I don't like to comment really in section of the forum, but your post stood out to me. I hope my experience helps you plan your next moves with your son.

xxxx
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Old 09-04-2013, 12:25 PM
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Sasha4 you have been very helpful to me in understanding the mentality of my son and where he is at right now. I realise my part in your above text but from now on I have decided to change all that. There will be no more cash for food, certainly no more buying him drinks. If his father chooses to carry on then I am powerless to alter his actions.

I received a very nice text this afternoon from my son and when I get these it makes me wonder if I'm wrong about him. Just a sweet and normal text asking if I had a good day yesterday and a couple of kisses. He drops these kind of texts in from time to time .... probably to reel me back in and then ask me for money. I did reply and decided that I would in future reply to the nice texts like this and I will ignore the whining and the emotional blackmail ones.

Thank you for taking the time to write here. It means a lot to me. It gives me strength to carry on with this tough stance.
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Old 09-04-2013, 12:40 PM
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I think my son's drinking habits are very much like you describe too. He goes for a long workout first thing and then begins his practice at noon until evening and I believe he begins the drinking early evening, except at the weekends. There have been a few family parties on his father's side that he has attended and after both events he has been quite ill with hangovers and remorse over his drunken actions - that's when he's called me to talk and whine about that family. I did notice that it's either his cousins who are always drunk or his friends and their parents always falling about drunk and never him. His grandparents live next door to him, so it's very easy to go and have dinner with them, knowing that wine will be served and he can always sneak down to the cellar for a bottle that they won't notice is missing. Then of course his father takes him out at weekends for lunch and a few beers - the man to man thing. I am the last resort I guess. When all else fails call mum and ask how she is, test the waters and see if asking for some cash is a possibility or agreeing to meet up and then get the cash.

I see the pattern now quite clearly. I can't change the other's actions but I can and will change my own. It's tough love for me.... one day at a time.

Thank you for helping me understand the importance of this tough action.
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