Hi numbmum
I have had issues with drink. My mum has issues with drink.
I hope you don't mind me commenting on your post, I am 18 months sober.
I know that when my drinking was bad, I used to say hurtful things, do hurtful things, let people down, especially family.
I always thought I can just say sorry and they will accept it as after all how she not, she's my mum? Or he's family and family means instant forgiveness, every things forgotten and your back to having their full support until you pick up another drink.
I know I did that.
And I feel bad now for doing that.
It has made me different though now in the way that I am treated by my problem drinker mum.
It's not okay because I'm your daughter and you can treat me how you want, to ring me and ask how I am when you have sunk 2 bottles of wine and you are slurring and incoherent.
It's not okay to make no time for me at all through the weekend and the week when I am working and then ring me when your drunk and moan at me and be too sloshed to ask how I am, how my daughter is.
It's not okay to forget something I told you when you had far to much to drink and had blacked out and then be rude when I remind you and you have no memory.
Its not okay that I am on the receiving end of your drunken antics and hurtful behaviour, but because I am your daughter, I have to instantly forgive you.
I decided that I was not going to do that.
I have put into place standards that apply to everyone in my life, friends, family and colleagues. If my mum rings when she is drunk, I end the phone call and say I would love to speak to you sober. I would do that to other friends too.
If my mum becomes nasty when drunk, then I will not retaliate, I will just leave. That applies to other friends and colleagues too.
A person should not act badly and expect forgiveness will be given because its family, its easy, of course we all love each other.
I think I did make a very slight impact when I told my mum that often her behaviour with drink makes me not like her.
I do think you are so right not to respond to his texts.
I think you should switch your phone of more!
Maybe even think about having a different mobile for him to text on and check it once a day. Then have another mobile for your everyday life away from him.
I would also be quite slow to respond to him when he texts.
I know myself I would often upset someone, say at a party or on the telephone and come round from a blackout and think what did I say, what did I do?
I would be cursing myself for failing to stick to 2 drinks or whatever ridiculous plan I conjured up to avoid blacking out when really I should not be drinking in the first place.
I would be dreading making the phone call or seeing the people I had been with. What had i done? What did I say?
As soon as I said sorry, gave some rubbish explanation like I did not eat very much yesterday, the drink went to my head, and I felt the sorry was accepted I carried and went straight back to drinking far too much.
The quicker I said my sorry, and of course they have to accept it straight away, then the quicker I can start drinking again.
Missing a few texts and not replying, not showing an interest, or saying 'I am sorry you feel that way' but nothing else will do you the world of good and make him realise he cannot just expect instant forgiveness on his terms, his time frame just because its your his mum, thats what mums do, mums always love you.
I am really glad you found us and joined.
I hope you don't mind me jumping in on your post.
I wish you the best
xxxx