Hi Losing, I know what it's like to be in that position. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. There is nothing I can tell you that will make things better but I can share some experience that worked for me.
The 3 c's is one of the first things I learned at SR.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
I had to learn to let go of the magical thinking, she my wife for the person she really was and start making some decisions.
I also learned that I could improve the quality of my life by starting to take care of myself first and letting my wife take care of herself as well. She was an adult and had the right to be an alcoholic if that's what she wanted. If she wasn't ready to quit then she wasn't ready. None of my business.
By giving up trying to control her life I found more time to live mine. That allowed me to get my life in order, put myself first for a change and move on.
I strongly recommend Al-Anon. It literally saved my life along with this site. Try several meetings as each has it's own flavor.
only to realise that if I had stuck it out we would be fine?
I just wanted comment on this little bit that you posted. I was married for 36 years to my wife. The last 15 plus were with an active alcoholic. I kept thinking I could love her enough to get her through this, that I could find the right Doctor or rehab to get her through this, that I could find enough strength to drag her out of this.
I couldn't, none of it. Until she wants to quit there is nothing I can do. Don't do like I did and get caught in the trap that you can make their recovery work.
I did find that if I work on myself I could get better. Today my life drama free, content and happy.
Your friend,