Thank you Seren. Whilst I'm not a big fan of his father, I see him as having been a good one. He works hard and has paid for our son to have a very good education and like me, he has done his best for his only child. But to hear the constant complaints from my son on a daily basis about the poor guy really saddens me. You know what I want to say to my son? "Well, if you dislike your father and his family so much, I suggest you pack your bags and leave all his hospitality behind, get a job and support yourself". But we don't say these things because of the drama the truth will create... more emotional draining, abusive text messages, tantrums etc. I'm sure he says awful things about me to his father and the family too because they always play one off against the other. I bet whilst I've been giving him money, he's had his father give him money too. Why should he go out and get a job? After all he must practice his guitar at least 5 hours a day to become the best he can be! He has never earned a cent from being a musician, except when he gave lessons which he is also now refusing to do. It's all too humiliating for him.
I just got another long text from him whilst I was in a business meeting complaining about his father and how it is 'a little upsetting' for him to be around someone with such a negative mindset. How about his own negative mindset! He says he needs to use his time there to get into an empowering position where he can thrive and allow his talents to flower in order to improve each aspect of his life, otherwise it will be ruined amidst that family.
They always make it sound like it's everyone else's problem and never theirs. They're the victims, the special ones... everyone else is mental. I've been hearing the same old story now for years. If only he could see his life from our perspective. A very handsome and without doubt talented young man who has been blessed with parents that bent over backwards to help him get along in life. So lucky. Yet if you ask him about his childhood and his life, he'd spin you a heart wrenching tale of how neglected he was and highlight all the things we didn't do for him, omitting everything that we did do.
I've fallen for this ******** for years. I absorbed the blame for everything. I even felt guilty for allowing him to go and live with his father when he was 17 and a half. I was made to feel guilty like a demon parent who discarded her son. When in reality I merely wanted him to go to a better school and get better grades in his father's catchment area so that he could go to a better university. He even blamed me for 'forcing' him to go to university. He won't acknowledge his degree and it's never seen the light of day. He considers it a useless piece of paper and a total waste of time. He partied for most of the time spent at university and his hard working father paid off all of his student debt for him after he graduated too.
If only his father would communicate with me so that we can stop the nonsense together because I feel that unless we stick up for each other and stay on the same side, our son will never get a taste for the consequences of his irresponsible actions. As alcoholism is a progressive illness, we will see a spiral of deterioration all round. Sadly, his father and his grandparents blame me for the way our son is. They tell my son that I'm an awful person... or so he tells me. He's always telling me tales of what his grandparents say about me. They only knew me for 2 years, 30 years ago. It seems bizarre and maybe it's all lies. Who knows with alcoholics what is truth and what isn't? Maybe he goes along with the lies to get more out of them... playing the pity party card of how terrible it was for him to have such an awful mother.
About 10 years ago, I took on some extra work and so I gave my son the extra money I'd earned that month. It amounted to quite a bit. I gave it to him so that he could go to Los Angeles to pursue his music aspirations. After he arrived there, he sent me the most hateful and hurtful email accusing me of being responsible for him becoming a heavy drinker and a compulsive dope addict, adding that the money I gave him from my hard work was the least he deserved for all the bad things that occurred to him when he was young such as not helping him to choose the right subjects at school, not knowing the old man next door was a pedophile and molested him when he was 16 (when he came home drunk), forcing him to go to university. It was all my fault and I took it all on board and blamed myself. Years of my life were filled with 'if only'.
Now when I look back at it all, I've taken all of his abuse and accusations and I've forgiven him and given and given to him. All the while I've been holding down a career, started my own business and have had major surgery on my own... he didn't even come to visit me in hospital or call me afterwards to check that I was alright.
I wish I'd never had a child. He has broken my heart and sometimes I have to find a branch to hold on to, an incentive to make me want to carry on in all honesty. My joy in life has come from helping young people in developing countries realise their dreams. I wish my son would go to one of these countries just to see how other kids have to live, how limited their choices are and what little they have in life to be content with. His attitude is sickening me today. I really do feel like cutting him out of my life now. I've just about had enough.
Again, apologies for the length of this post. It is such a relief for me to be able to write all this down and share it. I've bottled up all this resentment and bewilderment for so long now. I have been so lonely carrying this despair and putting on my brave face in the real world.
Thank you for allowing me to get it out.