Mother of an alcoholic son
I have suspected for some time that my son has a drink problem but like most mothers I guess I was in denial in order to keep my memories alive... that lovely little boy I had the pleasure of bringing up. I didn't want to see the grown man he'd become - the very clever manipulator, the user and the emotional abuser.
Like most alcoholics, my son likes to play the blame game and for years I felt guilty and took on board the blame for all his problems. I was the classic enabler, always ready to give money whenever he called to tell me he had no money for food. I've forgiven time after time,the emotional blackmail and the abuse which usually takes the form of text messages or emails, either blaming me for being a terrible mother or telling me that he's a waste of time and now he realises that he will never amount to anything and that it is no wonder all of his father's family and his friends laugh at him for his music aspirations and unrealistic goals. It is heartbreaking to hear him talking like this and it has worked every time to bring me to my knees and offer him whatever I can.
After a while though I had to face the fact that he spoke like this when he was drunk. That when he was drunk he had a huge pity party and made me the target for the emotional abuse It is also very well timed to have maximum impact.
I'm so fed up with his mood swings now. I feel that it would be better for me to cut him off completely and let him and his father get on with it. I am divorced from his father, have been for 30 years now. I have tried to talk to him about the problem but he won't speak to me. I have sent him countless messages to please meet me to discuss the problem and what we should do as a family but he refuses to engage in any discussion. He is in total denial. He goes out and takes my son for pints of beer and has provided a nice home for him free of charge, free of bills. All my son has to do is help his father on occasion with some manual work and my son begrudges doing even that. He refuses to go out and get a job. He used to teach guitar but even that has now been dismissed. He has no interest in anything at all, yet he is very clever and articulate.
He is a contradiction. He takes great care of himself - lots of exercise and healthy eating and yet he is an alcoholic who doesn't see this as a problem. It's like he thinks that exercise and healthy eating will counter the effects of the alcohol and he'll be okay. That's the impression I get.
He has tried living with me a few times this year but it has always been a terrible and traumatic drama for me, resulting in him packing his bags and leaving within a few days, sometimes hours. One time he came back with a friend and was very drunk, shouting and swearing at me... very abusive. He even threw a pack of beer at me, accusing me of being the drunk as he'd found them in a kitchen cupboard and accused me of 'hiding' them. Again trying to put the blame on me.
Last night he sent me numerous texts all complaining about his 'mentally ill' father (I get a lot of those)... and I'm sure he complains to his father about his 'mentally ill' mother too. I realise he has played one off against the other for a very long time. And because I didn't react, just as I was about to go to sleep around midnight, he sent me the one that was supposed to wound me... the one to worry me so that I couldn't sleep. He told me that he wouldn't be able to see me during the month of September as his father was very busy with work and that he had to help him out a lot and that he would be in touch. On the surface that sounds like a caring son, but the truth is that he couldn't care less about helping out his father. I'd just given him money for food the day before and now he was back on the emotional blackmail treadmill.... the build up to the next request for money.
Every time I fall for it. The "I love you Mum" text messages are spread out between the abusive ones, intended to keep me confused.
It is heartwrenching to be the mother of an alcoholic son. He's 33 and so far his life has been one big party, totally irresponsible and allowing others to 'keep' him like it's his birthright to be provided for. I shouldn't have to be buying his food and paying for lunch out when I see him. It's pathetic and yet he's so very good at manipulating me that I find myself doing it willingly to have his company and to keep him in a fairly even tempered mood. To keep up the pretense, the denial. He is in denial. He has never admitted that he is an alcoholic. But I know. I know in my heart he's an addict.
Anyways, sorry this was a long post. I woke up this morning with a heavy heart... wishing the problem would just go away, wishing that I could pack up and run away. Wishing that I had the guts to maintain 'no contact' and get on with my life and try and find some piece of happiness for myself. I have no other family. He is all I've got. I don't want to lose him and yet I have anyway. I don't know who is he anymore.
Thank you for reading.