Haha, ImperfectlyMe, I'll try not to punch any pills! And Brae82, I want to join you on that beach, not creepily watching people. I need some good, decent serenity (and maybe some laughs - watching people chasing down runaway towels and getting knocked over by surprise waves always tickles my funny bone).
Well, I went to counseling yesterday and vented there, too. One thing that they suggested (and is allowed - who knew?) is to feel your emotion, know your emotion, and just let it sit there. Put it to the side and keep on moving forward. Yes, it's there. I might be feeling sad or mad or anxious or whatever - and that's all ok - but it doesn't have to be
who I am. For those in AA, maybe those not, I'm sure you've heard the saying, "Act
as if." I think that applies to my feelings right now. I am feeling discontent, yes, still, even though it's a fricking new day and I purposely got out on the other side of the bed, but that feeling can just be there and not be in control of me. I don't have to act on that feeling. What I want to do and what I have done in the past is taken that feeling and acted on it - gotten into a fight, isolated, attempted (often unsuccessfully) to use the silent treatment, or focused on other negatives. These are all actions that resulted from the negative feeling. I guess this is somewhat of an epiphany, but I don't have to act on the feelings. I get to feel them without letting them take control. Kind of like the thought of drinking doesn't have to lead to the act of drinking.
I have to admit, though, feeling something and not letting it cause an action is, like, REALLY hard!! All of that talking and feeling and getting things out at counseling, and as soon as I got home, I grabbed the kitchen scissors and cut off my hair! Don't worry, it wasn't a Brittany Spears moment - I really, truly needed a haircut (although a professional with actual haircutting experience would probably have been better) and it actually turned out kind of cute. I must be improving somewhat from those botched attempts at cutting my own bangs when I was a child. But I just HAD to do SOMETHING to make myself feel better.
So, here I sit, feeling sh*tty and trying not to act sh*tty. It's like I am re-learning how to be a human. Wonder how many more years of therapy that's going to take???
