Originally Posted by
dandylion 
ZenMe--I have a pratical suggestion. Try hanging out with some "healthy" or "normal" women for a period of time--until it begins to be normalized for you. EXCEPT--look but don't touch---just hang out and find out if you have fun and find them interesting and stimulating. Make sure that they are attractive, intelligent, funloving, compassionate, accomplished and self-actualized.
Try that, exclusively, for a year or two--and see what happens.
dandylion
It's funny because the first time I read that...in my head..."wow 2 years? I mean I was planning on going 6 months until 2014, me alone for 2 years? ouch!" I have actually been trying this, and unconsciously I was already doing the look but don't touch. I will definitely continnue to do this. I need to learn how to releate and be friends with healthy people and not insecure women who NEED me. The other reason it's funny is when I broke it off with the X I told her something similar (at her request) that a therapist told me she needs at least a year of no dating with her sobriety. She freaked at this comment! Clearly coulnd't even wait a day. I've already convinved myself I have to be patient, my happiness and well being depends on it!
Originally Posted by
Florence A question:
Do you feel like you're trying to save them? I never wanted to save anybody necessarily, but deep down I guess I felt that nobody who was sane and whole would be with my broken a**. I guess it was more a reflection of me and where I was.
As it turns out the 2 previous women I have dated seriously did flick the caretaker switch in me. Was I looking to rescue them? no. In my case I believe it stems from me needing a "strong" connection early on because otherwise I feel they aren't interested and not into me. Healthy girls i have approached in the past seem to not be interested because that intensity isn't there. Which it shouldn't be because they are in a good space. I'm looking for balance, a girl shouldn't have to quit her plans to come hang out with me (re-arrange her life for me), but I do want her to show me she cares when she does have time or need something. My xagf couldn't even drop off a package for me at the UPS store while I was out of town...always some excuse...I mean cmon...
My other problem I think is that when I get physically invovled I form a waaay to strong attachment. A girl I dated between my serious Xs went nuts on me on date 3 (alcohol was involved I see now) and I was easily able to end that and extricate myself. Had we slept together...uh oh. She tried to sleep on me at date 2 and was already harboring resentment because I didn't sleep with her.
Originally Posted by
Tuffgirl Yes, this is possible. But the person who has to change first is you, Zen.
Be wary of the women who come on super strong right from the start - who chase you, who offer sex immediately, who are wild right from the get-go. These are actually red flags. An emotionally available and mature woman is going to have a high level of self respect - she won't feel the need to do it this way because she is confident the right man will stick around for as long as it takes, and she doesn't care about being alone or not.
Yea I would stick around, and prefer it that way. With my x before the xagf I had sex too quickly and with the xagf although we did pace the sex part...we had been embraced in each others arms towards the end of the first night we met while both enjoying a concert, she definitely put the moves on me. At the end of that night (in hindsight she was tipsy) we kissed. This type of behavior is now a big red flag for me. I could lie to myself and say I was special and it was meant to be BUT, her behavior after I broke up with her, dating other guys, having a bf a few weeks after...tells me it's more of her MO. =(. Live and learn.
Also I will not have sex with a girl unless we both get tested beforehand. If she has a problem with that...they get the door.
One thing I have also been practicing is saying to myself when I maybe don't want to go somewhere because I don't feel up to it, nothealthy enough, or what not is "I'm good enough", just because I am.
Thank you all for the wonderful insights. I definitely need some time to regroup or I will succumb to the cycle again, which I too refuse to do. I think I start to get healthy after a breakup and then fall back in vs keeping the focus on me and getting way healthier. I have my plan, it's ok to be alone in order to reach my goals, here we go!