ZenMe

I believe that from an emotional abusive upbringing I don't find girls that are healthy interesting. I gravitate towards drinkers, depressed girls, emotionally unavailable girls etc.

I'm looking for advice or info on how to change my hard wiring so I can be interested in healthy women. Maybe just fake it till I make it with them? And yes I mean that as in sex too.

funkynassau

Yikes! That's a strange post you have given us. I am a healthy person, not an addict of any sort. I did come from a family with an abusive mother who was the queen of nasty, but I have overcome the things she said and did to me and my life is pretty cool! I am actually quite interesting, intelligent, funny and clever, play bass in a band. I am not at all boring!

I dont know why you seek out the girls that you do, perhaps a shrink would be able to help with that. Maybe those girls arent any threat to you, not really what you'd want for an ideal relationship, but for a fling they are fine. How's that sound? No commitment, just casual sex?

Hammer

[guy talk, avert your eyes]

So you dig Crazy Chicks?

Statistically speaking, that would most likely mean . . . you may wind up with a Crazy Chick? How is that working for you?

I am betting a Non-Crazy Chick will get a little wild in bed with some positive encouragement and feedback. Not saying porn videos or any other garbage thinking, just saying let your mind(s) wander.

You may get better advice from the non-crazy wimmen folks on here, but I am betting that most would not have a problem with a guy who is a little wild in bed. And consider we Codies are natural people pleasers anyway.

[/guy talk, avert your eyes]


Come to recognize that YOU may be a little Crazy if you find yourself here, and play your part.

BoxinRotz

Sh!t,... AH tells me all the time I am CA-RAZY! The craziest, funniest, goofball he's ever had the pleasure of knowing. He says, That's why I love you so much!

I don't do drugs or drink but some people would debate that. I have a sick n twisted sense of humor that I absolutely ADORE!

I'm effin normal! WTF is wrong with me?!!! *looks under skirt* *wait... I'm sorry... that was s'pose to be private*

amy55

I think this is a very interesting observation. I also had realized that I gravitated towards the wrong types. I think it has to do with being so use to having drama in your life, that you feel bored without it.

I have been divorced now for almost 3 years. I won't even go looking yet, because I don't want the "drama" anymore.

I want a drama free relationship, and I want myself prepared for it. When I get to that point, I don't think that it will be boring, I think it will be everything that I need and deserve.

Looking forward to "boring", or "drama free".

Hammer

oh hell yes.

funkynassau

Maybe that's it, some people think boring and drama free are the same thing. I dont agree with that!

alphaomega

I find them threatening. To my raging inferiority complex.

But give me the broken toys and I can pontificate ad nauseum as to how really not all that bad off I am.

Rock stars are perfect examples. They are the epitome of life gone terribly wrong, and we idolize them. They do make life more interesting that's for sure.

Hell, I'm a whole lot more boring now that I'm sober. I used to be the life of the party. I WAS THE PARTY. I put the other broads to shame as I kept up with the big dogs on the porch.

And I was miserable beyond explanation.

NWGRITS

Growing up ACoA, I was a chaos junky, and I still often have problems dealing with "normal" people. I spent decades living from one crisis to the next, so I get restless if there's not at least one bit of drama in my life. I'm working on that attraction to high blood pressure and lost sleep through therapy. So I get what you're saying, ZenMe. And yeah, I was one of the Crazy Girls for the longest time. I didn't know any better. Now I'm happily married with five kids, keeping house and keeping my family well fed. My husband still wonders why I "can never calm the F down," but he's really good about giving me my space for therapy and letting me try to give him some insight into the demons I battle on a daily basis.

BuffaloGal

Let me know if you find any techniques... I would love to change my hard wiring too and was thinking about starting a thread on it. Caution on faking it from a male friend: he faked it for 18 years. He liked and cared about his girlfriend-then-wife, but didn't have that emotional spark/chemistry with her. And she could tell. They just got divorced.

I am attracted to guys who aren't bad guys, but aren't particularly good for me. I didn't grow up in an alcoholic family, but I wasn't raised by any one person; my mom died when I was young, and my dad still hasn't figured out that taking care of a child is something you have to actually make an effort to do, and not something that just happens. What I am used to, and comfortable with, is being ALONE.

In the past couple of years I've found myself interested a couple of men with substance problems. Addicts? I don't know. I didn't let myself get close enough to find out, and it wasn't a problem to tell myself NO. Ok, that's progress and all, but it hasn't equaled being interested in ones that were better odds of a stable relationship.

In the past I took up with fellows who weren't relationship material to me. Not on purpose. That's something I figured out later. They didn't often hurt me, usually the opposite, in fact (*wince* BuffaloGal is sorry she treated boys poorly when she was young and foolish)

So, ok, I'm a better and wiser person and I don't take up with depressives, drinkers or drummers anymore, and I like my peaceful life, but... but. I get lonely too. I'm not sure if there's any solution.

spiderqueen

thanks ZenMe, interesting thread.

The term "terminally unique" speaks volumes about my choice of partners.

My work of the moment is figuring out how to attract and be attracted to the "unique" (artistic, sensitive, original, surprising, impetuous, spontaneous), minus the "terminal" (substance abuse, deep denial, untreated mental/physical illness, unresolved FOO issues).

Wish me luck,
SQ

Tuffgirl

I think many of us here will admit to having a "broken picker" when it comes to potential dates. I know I do, too. Been working on this very thing with the help of some good books and great friends who are completely, painfully honest on calling me on my own BS.

Thing is, I refuse to continue my pattern. And amazingly, this is something I can control! Imagine that! Something I actually can fix!

So this has been my focus for the past 8 months or so. Practicing identifying the red flags before I say ""I do". Being self confident enough to refuse to settle. Being comfortable in my own skin, and being alone with just myself for company.

Again, amazed at how much I have learned when faced with the truth. I have faced the enemy, and it is me.

Keep working it, Zen. It isn't easy, and it isn't pretty, but the rewards (at least from what I hear!) are worth it.
~T

lillamy

Yeah. That.

See, here's my thing: I think when we say "but what am I gonna do, I'm only attracted to losers/weirdos/crazy chicks" we short-change ourselves in several ways.

First of all -- there's some self-fulfilling prophecy BS going on there. But there's some security in limiting yourself. It's familiar. You know what role you play. Paradoxically, when you're used to dating crazy chicks, dating a normal woman may feel really frightening...

And then there's the attraction thing. Getting into a relationship with a person because you're sexually attracted to her/him is sort of like buying a house because you like the color. I found that what I referred to as "attraction" was really the same sense of vertigo you get on a ride at the fair. It wasn't LOVE, it was "OMFG I'm gonna die" fear which made me feel alive.

Love is different. Love is also different from pity. From caretaking. And from OMG I have to have sex with that person. "Chemistry" is overrated. "Chemistry" wears off. So does good looks, six-pack abs, money, and a wrinkle-free forehead.

So find someone compatible.

ZenMe

Funky: (reminds me of Scott pilgrim vs the world movie) you sound like the type of girl I would like!.. Not saying your crazy just that there's hope.

Hammer: I dig em and they are easy to find. I just have to not get hooked and stay single. I'm just concerned the spark won't be there.

I was on my cell earlier so couldn't elaborate. By sex I didn't mean casual sex. I meant like pushing myself to kiss the girl I'm not attracted to but could be compatible, maybe to an extreme of having sex with her, giving it a whirl because it just may turn out to be awesome. If not bail :O

I feel comfortable with spotting red flags and acting on them. I'm just wondering if there's a cool bassist girl that also likes to run her fingers through my hair, is smart, quirky, healthy and that I'm attracted to.

I do believe once I'm in a healthier position I will want someone who is also there. I'm a little over 2 months since I ended my relationship so I probably need some time still.

Lilamy I totally got hooked by my xagf because of the sex, physical intimacy and drama. She was my drug of choice and i escaped into an unsustainable world of distraction. She smells amazing to me! Will a cool girl with her head on straight smell that good... Remains to be seen but I will find out!

ZenMe

Oh and I also fell hard for the x because early on we had tons if fun, concerts, staycations, etc. she was also on her best behavior, made me soup when I was sick etc. Sure I sweapt some big red flags like 1-2 months in but I wasn't so intimate with then dark dance of the Chardonnay bottle back then.

I need to learn some patience, just because it doesn't happen FAST doesn't mean it couldn't be a good match with someone new.

dandylion

ZenMe--I have a pratical suggestion. Try hanging out with some "healthy" or "normal" women for a period of time--until it begins to be normalized for you. EXCEPT--look but don't touch---just hang out and find out if you have fun and find them interesting and stimulating. Make sure that they are attractive, intelligent, funloving, compassionate, accomplished and self-actualized.

Try that, exclusively, for a year or two--and see what happens.

By the way--I say nix the "fake it till you make it" with sex. If you have to fake it--you are far better off doing it alone. So is the other person. That is a dead-end street.

Just spitballin, here......
dandylion

funkynassau

ZenMe I dont think I'm crazy in a bad way, more I do my own thing my way. I do like people who are not cookie cutter types, I like the ones who really march to their own drummer, but in a good way. Those who think outside the box (like me) and to take a chance in life. We only go around once so might as well do as much as we can of the good stuff life offers! I escaped the big city at a young age and discovered country/small town life is so much better for me. I have a big farm in the country, rent the land to a neighbour and collect the rent :-) Gotta like that!

I learned to play acoustic then electric guitar, drums and now bass guitar, that's been my passion for about 5 yrs. I know a lot of musicians and I share a lot of common interests with them. Not the wacked out rock stars, but people who play music mostly as their jobs.

I dont feel a need to be like everyone else, I like doing things my way. I have a great husband and two grown kids, and life is basically good. Yes there's hiccups like the drunk who caused me to find this forum once I could not deal with him anymore.

Keep looking, there's good men and women out there! Nobody needs to settle.

Florence

Me too. Looking back, the vast majority of guys I dated were addicts, mentally ill, had severe FOO issues, etc. -- although it may not have been spelled out for me at the time, it became obvious over time, even long after we broke up. One of them, no ****, turned out to be a murderer (YEARS after we split up, but still. It was over a drug deal.)

These were all "interesting" guys -- designers, chefs, musicians, tattoo artists, body piercers, artists, writers, hustlers, etc. They were creative, impossibly arrogant, original people, the sex was fantastic, and I was wildly attracted to all of them. It was also a LOT of drama.

It occurs to me that liking the same music and movies and subcultures is not enough on which to base a lifetime partnership. There's something weirdly performative about only being with people whose "Likes" mirror yours. This was some of my earlier criteria and I realize it's extraordinarily immature to base relationships off of this stuff.

I've met some people who meet all the criteria I'm interested in who also happen to be stable, employed people. Something that really shouldn't be a high bar to meet, no?

It also occurs to me that someone might describe me the same way I describe my exes. Arrogant, distant, impossible, dubious/fluctuating mental health, creative, spontaneous, interesting, FOO issues -- but ultimately, emotionally unavailable.

In hindsight, I've realized that if I'm left alone with my sexual attraction, I will immediately pick out the damaged, arrogant jerk in the room (preferably the tall one) and cleave to him like a hook. Like Tuffgirl, I refuse to continue this pattern. I am keenly aware that there are nice men who are attracted to me who I just don't see as partner material. Maybe that's because my picker is broken beyond repair. Maybe it's because they're not the right guys. Maybe it's because I still have a lot of personal work to do, and the prospect of being 100% emotionally open with someone who is also 100% emotionally open is absolutely terrifying. Maybe I'm afraid of being uncool.

choublak

Good for you for recognizing and admitting it.

I know with my own upbringing, my parents were manipulative (each one in their own way), and would gaslight and flip things around. So, growing up, I would always somehow gravitate toward manipulative people who would gaslight me. I gravitated toward them, and they also "sought me out". I think it was really just me not knowing how to form healthy friendships and relationships.

As for finding healthy people "boring", well, it's up to you to keep yourself not bored. Other people are not responsible for your fun or lack thereof.

kudzujean

"We are comfortable with the familiar, even if it is painful."

A counselor told me that once, and it's so true.

I do the same thing in regards to men, and I don't have an answer either. I haven't read the other responses yet; maybe some other posters will have some ideas.