Welcome Brian
I think everyone wonders whether it's the drugs (or the drink) or are we damaged in a fundamental way...
the only real way to find that out is to stay sober....
with time you'll not only discern who sober you is, but you'll probably be more capable of working out whats the best way forward.
you'll find a lot of support here...please do try and be patient though - these are the forums - they're a little less real time than chat
D