Originally posted by Close Call
I'm an expatriot technician, travelling quite a lot in my work, with free booze on planes, free booze in the executive hotel room rate and no one to control you (or making you control yourself).
I have just return from one of these trips where I was consuming an enormous amount of alcohol, in particular during the week-end.
Now, all this started at the time of my first wife leaving me for someone else. I have since remarried (no kids). I've been trying to analyze what makes me drink: I'm scared. I get this depressive thoughts when I'm alone, without my wife. I'm also scared of what I'm doing. I missed a flight earlier this year because I was intoxicated. I was detained by the airport police and I was late for business meetings a number of times.
I realize that I have to quit, or I will loose everything. I would appreciate feed-back on how you got your habits triggered. When and how it started. How do you deal with other issues, and how do you deal with free alcohol.
Close Call
Hi Close Call,
For myself, I know today that there was a fine line that I crossed, from drinking heavy, into alcoholism and once crossed there was no going back.
The obsessive thoughts became a daily occurence. I would wake up feeling guilty as hell because of what I had done the night before, and the remorse that I felt would be terrible. I would make a promise to myself and eventually to everyone else that I wouldn't drink that day. The obsessive thoughts of drinking would begin. I would start feeling anxious, irritable and discontent until I could once again drink. I wasn't able to predict on any given occasion what would happen to me once I picked up that first drink. The alcohol was calling all the shots in my life. Where I would go, who I would be with, what time I would be where, or even if I would be where I was suppose to be.
When I began trying to control my drinking, I had lost all control over alcohol. I learned that social drinkers never ever think about controlling their drinking... they either have a drink or they don't. This wasn't the case with me, once I put any alcohol into my system what so ever..... I wanted MORE. I had lost the power of choice when it came to alcohol.
Alcoholism is an illness, its a disease that centers in the mind. The obsession (a thought that overcomes all other thoughts).... coupled with a physical compulsion once I put that first drink into my body. The effect was that I wanted MORE.
The consequences that I began to pay in my life, I know today as a spiritual loss of values. I would "think" in my head, "well if I ever get as bad as so and so, then I will quit drinking"
But what I would actually do is something quite different. When I began to get as bad as so and so's drinking, I would just move my values a bit. At the end of my own drinking I didn't know who I was anymore, because I had moved my own values so often so that I was able to continue to drink... I didn't even recognize myself at the end of my drinking. I had constant thoughts of drinking, and I had no idea that I had loss the ability to choose whether I drank or not. Whether I drank or not wasn't the question anymore.... the question became.... when can I get my booze, how can I get my booze. I began coming up with any excuse I could so that I could drink the way I wanted to.
I had no idea that I was in what they call "denial." I knew that I was paying the consequences, life changing, life altering, and dangerous consequences in my own life for drinking and getting drunk..... and I continued to drink and get drunk anyways. I would wake up with the thoughts of "not drinking today" full of guilt, and remorse and begin drinking and get drunk anyhow.... even when I honestly didn't want to drink... there I was drinking and drunk.
I had a million and one excuses for drinking and getting drunk, but I had only one valid reason.... and that reason is because I am an alcoholic.
I would suggest calling Alcoholics Anonymous, and finding out where the nearest AA meeting is to you, then go. Don't drink, go to the AA meeting, Sit and listen, identify and do not compare, let someone at the AA meeting know that you are new, and take the suggestions. Get some phone numbers, and call these people, they can help you Close Call. And then just keep coming.
There is a solution Close Call, and things do get better one day at a time.... call Alcoholics Anonymous, its in your phone book.
Yours in Recovery,
Patsy