Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. It's been really helpful to read. My RAH isn't blaming me at all. But I guess I have guilt and shame at my own behavior that I probably have to face to free myself of the terrible fear that I helped cause this.
Lizw - what you said about blame is very resonant to me. I think my parents blame themselves for every way my brother and I are screwed up (even though I don't blame them), and they blame their parents for a lot of their pain and so maybe I've just learned a really unhelpful habit of blame that I'm not even recognizing but need to work to unlearned.