Oh, I see.
But, on the other hand if to rephrase Freud "There's no accidental typos"))
So, you are sober.
And yesterday I came across a great quote. It makes a lot of sense for me now.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain". Joseph Campbell.
To me it's about finding a spot of joy inside, even it's little, tiny and subtle. Then it's about developing it little by little, nourishing it, protecting from dark thoughts and negativity. And eventually it will be big enough and stronger to push out the pain. It takes consistency and faith, I presume.
I know I have to work on it because now when I stop fighting I immediately slip into dark waters of depression, self-beating, etc. etc.
One of your joys is music, as far as I understand. Maybe find this spark of joy that it gives you and make a big shining star out of it)
Take care.