Hammer

Dunno what to call this.

Starting thinking it with Pippi's response about A's trolling Alanon meetings, in the now closed "Would you date an RA" thread.

Dunno. Sort of goofing off while doing a budget review.

Thank you all being here and being part of my so called recovery.

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I go and sit in an Open AA Newcomers Meeting most Sunday evenings. My Daughter goes to the Alateen next room over at the same time. Been doing that since February.

So sitting with the AA-ers. I have "studied" the *them* and *us* Like Sun Tzu teaches (Art of War) Know The Enemy, Know Yourself.

I have one sort of friend there. She is older than me, and she is kind of harshly Crack/Meth-Addled. You know the twitches and erratic motions and walk. Sometimes talks like Porkie Pig. My own nickname for her (in my head, only) is Meth-Beth.

First meeting I went there, she was stumbling across the sidewalk trying to open the door. Dropping her purse, books, everything. And all the smoking AA folks just sitting around or standing watching her.

So I rush over to her and pick up her stuff, open the door and guide her in. She just looks around sort of happy and confused saying – “Oh my, Prince Charming has arrived.” I just laugh and say no, I am just a habitual rescuer, being in Alanon and all. She says -- if you are in Alanon, I guess you what you are here for.

So I sit and talk with her some at the meetings, I guess because she is "safe."

I can be nice to her, just for the sake of being nice, and she is not going to try to do me or something. I guess that is it. She is working her program, trying to do good, be good, and I can be nice back and know she is not going to try to funk me.

But I have watched the AA demeanor and compared it to the typical Alanon room. Especially Alanon newcomers. You know the look. Alanon Newcomers . . . If they (we) are not trying to do the frozen smile mask thing, they are looking at the floor, hunched forward, elbows on the knees, sometimes even toes turned inward. Just the beat puppies that we are.

So when I sit over in the AA room, I have watched the AA men, so I can sort of maybe pass or blend-in. The tend to lean back in their chair, with either arms folded, or stretched out across side seats, and speak in amplified, larger-than-life type style. It is just about like Mrs. Hammer in Brag-zilla Persona. (that is daughter’s nickname for when Mrs. Hammer goes into How Great She is).

So I have been studying all the animals in the zoo, and some of me, too.

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Over time Meth-Beth is doing better and better, and that makes my heart happy. She now has a part-time job in a grocery store, and even is chairing the Sunday evening Newcomers meeting this month.

I could not be more proud of her.

They do the AA meeting different than the Alanon meetings. In Alanon it goes around the room and everybody speaks. In the AA meeting, the chair calls on you, or you can offer to speak in the second half of the meeting.

So I tend to keep quiet and try to just look like I belong and am part of the furniture.

But last night, since she was chairing, Meth-Beth calls on me to speak during the open portion. I tried to dodge saying that I am Alanon, not AA, but they all said Go Ahead, so I tried to do the Brag-zilla type pose . . .

I tried to start it like my corporate board room routine. In corporate-land I just talk the facts, joke it a little, and they just line up to trust me with millions of dollars and just assume I must know what I am doing. I give them the nod like they are making the “smart” decision and we all go off happy.

So I am trying that, telling them Thank You for the AA program, and how much Alanoner’s love the AA’ers working their program, and why I am there, and about Mrs. Hammer relapsing and . . .

And. My voice cracked. I heard it and tried to recover, but could not. I tried to re-start and it cracked again. Worse. At least I did not cry. So I feel my whole body slumping into the Alanon Damaged pose, shoulders drooping, elbows on knees, l look down and see my toes turning inward, so I am staring at the floor, saying, guess that is all I have to say about that, like I am Forrest Gump or something.

They go quiet for a minute, and move on, but when I look up -- four of the Vampire Alcoholic Women are staring at me with The Look. You know the look/leer. Like they want to take possession of you and take you out back and do you in the dumpster.

Wounded in enemy territory, leaving a blood trail, and they are closing on you. One even followed me over to the Alateen room with the Big Shark Teeth smile and chatting about how you doing. Was so glad when my Daughter comes out to rescue me and we head out.

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Driving home, I was thinking about Meth-Beth.

Meth-Beth -- I was so happy for her to be doing well, and chairing the meeting.

I am thinking. I have to start working My Program like Meth-Beth is working hers.

I really, really want to get better, too.

I just cannot take this crap anymore.