Ugh. I've been doing well, as far as getting better and better every week with detaching, walking away, leaving the house, not reacting to ridiculous and abusive words/accusations/excuses/lies (and not by forcing myself to "ignore" but rather because I really don't feel that visceral reaction anymore most of the time or as deeply, because I understand it's a load of crap designed to get a reaction out of me, not the truth as he sees it, evidenced by his rare statements like,"Why do you even listen to me when I'm drunk?" Or "I just said that to p*** you off." Silly me, taking someone at their word at first! Lol).
I don't start many threads about current issues in our relationship, I just try to learn and work on them. I don't want to whine. Well, I guess I want to sometimes lol, I just already know that I need to DO SOMETHING instead.
Just annoyed at the moment regarding my alcoholic husband's love of revising history. So annoying. Doesn't get to me in the same way it used to, I see it for the BS and quack-fest that it is now. Can't even say it gets to me at all sometimes...so often I just don't care. But it is on my nerves right
now.
I'm slowly working on the means to leave. It will take me a while. Even if he gets it together before I manage to get out, I'm not even sure that's enough for me at this point. Don't really know if anything he could do would be enough at this point. Though I am pointed in a general direction, the worst part of it is the time. Living with his BS in the meantime. I feel anything from bored to irritated to upset at times. Making lots of progress as far as not letting it really upset me more often and when it does, not as deeply. Trying to do things for myself to combat boredom.
My position currently is that this will most likely end in me leaving. Though he has shown some signs of gaining a better, more honest understanding of his ways and why they are no good, I'm not sure I'd stay anyway should he really turn it around. The amount of stress and pain inflicted on me in such a short time is REMARKABLE. So, since I'm not 100% sure if him getting it together would be enough, and since it will take me a bit of time to gain the means to leave, I've adopted a sort of "I'm working towards leaving but we shall see what unfolds before then, before my decision is 100% solid" stance. But, now that I'm there in my head and heart, sometimes just living here is extra annoying. Like, since I'm not so caught up in it now, my impatience is kicking in. The feelings of being unsatisfied but without naive hope is kicking in - that naive hope sort of mitigated the dissatisfaction before, if that makes sense. I'm sure others understand what I mean. At the moment, his love of revising history is particularly annoying me, though I usually don't argue like I used to about it. It's like a gnat buzzing in my ear kind of annoying. I'm so over it, but it's part of what I call "negative noise" buzzing away in the background.
Any tips on making this part more bearable?
Thanks, and I hope everyone is feeling peaceful.
