Alcoholic = Historical Revisionist

Old 08-03-2013, 09:11 AM
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Alcoholic = Historical Revisionist

Ugh. I've been doing well, as far as getting better and better every week with detaching, walking away, leaving the house, not reacting to ridiculous and abusive words/accusations/excuses/lies (and not by forcing myself to "ignore" but rather because I really don't feel that visceral reaction anymore most of the time or as deeply, because I understand it's a load of crap designed to get a reaction out of me, not the truth as he sees it, evidenced by his rare statements like,"Why do you even listen to me when I'm drunk?" Or "I just said that to p*** you off." Silly me, taking someone at their word at first! Lol).

I don't start many threads about current issues in our relationship, I just try to learn and work on them. I don't want to whine. Well, I guess I want to sometimes lol, I just already know that I need to DO SOMETHING instead.

Just annoyed at the moment regarding my alcoholic husband's love of revising history. So annoying. Doesn't get to me in the same way it used to, I see it for the BS and quack-fest that it is now. Can't even say it gets to me at all sometimes...so often I just don't care. But it is on my nerves right now.

I'm slowly working on the means to leave. It will take me a while. Even if he gets it together before I manage to get out, I'm not even sure that's enough for me at this point. Don't really know if anything he could do would be enough at this point. Though I am pointed in a general direction, the worst part of it is the time. Living with his BS in the meantime. I feel anything from bored to irritated to upset at times. Making lots of progress as far as not letting it really upset me more often and when it does, not as deeply. Trying to do things for myself to combat boredom.

My position currently is that this will most likely end in me leaving. Though he has shown some signs of gaining a better, more honest understanding of his ways and why they are no good, I'm not sure I'd stay anyway should he really turn it around. The amount of stress and pain inflicted on me in such a short time is REMARKABLE. So, since I'm not 100% sure if him getting it together would be enough, and since it will take me a bit of time to gain the means to leave, I've adopted a sort of "I'm working towards leaving but we shall see what unfolds before then, before my decision is 100% solid" stance. But, now that I'm there in my head and heart, sometimes just living here is extra annoying. Like, since I'm not so caught up in it now, my impatience is kicking in. The feelings of being unsatisfied but without naive hope is kicking in - that naive hope sort of mitigated the dissatisfaction before, if that makes sense. I'm sure others understand what I mean. At the moment, his love of revising history is particularly annoying me, though I usually don't argue like I used to about it. It's like a gnat buzzing in my ear kind of annoying. I'm so over it, but it's part of what I call "negative noise" buzzing away in the background.

Any tips on making this part more bearable?

Thanks, and I hope everyone is feeling peaceful.
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Old 08-03-2013, 09:21 AM
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(((hugs))) I know just how annoying that can be, and I am sorry you are dealing with it.

Unsatisfying as it is, with its total lack of immediate relief, all you can do is work towards accepting that this is who he is right now, and to hold on to your truth. As personal as it feels, it really isn't. He revises history in order to deal with himself, his addiction, and the consequences of it. He is drowning, and grabbing on to whatever he can. Just don't let him drag you below the surface with him.

Wishing you peace and patience.
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Old 08-03-2013, 09:34 AM
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Onawa, for me, with my unbearably narcissistic husband, as I grew healthier in terms of taking care of my needs---I reached a "tipping point" with him--from which there was no return. It was like any "love" I had felt just died and withered away. That was decades ago--I divorced him---and never regretted it. Oh, by the way--he was a revisionist too!!!!

That annoys me soooo!

I don't know what to exactly advise you---because, one day i simply "saw the light" and knew that I had to leave. I couldn't get away fast enough. I took the three young children and left (via divorce proceedings).

You aren't going to change his revisionistic ways---staying away from his physical presence is the only thing I can think of.

sorry.

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Old 08-03-2013, 09:36 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
(((hugs))) I know just how annoying that can be, and I am sorry you are dealing with it.

Unsatisfying as it is, with its total lack of immediate relief, all you can do is work towards accepting that this is who he is right now, and to hold on to your truth. As personal as it feels, it really isn't. He revises history in order to deal with himself, his addiction, and the consequences of it. He is drowning, and grabbing on to whatever he can. Just don't let him drag you below the surface with
Thank you.

That last sentence, I did need to hear. I know it in my head, and even in my heart. But it can be so draining. Even knowing that he is full of it and that it's not me, it's him, and that I will eventually be free of this - most likely by leaving, or if he evolves there is a small chance that I might reconsider but that is not an option I'm holding out hope for, or even much desire for at this point - the constant negative buzzing is draining, and I have to work hard on staying strong about that. Yes, the lack of immediate relief is frustrating. But, I did ignore or downplay red flags. I got myself into this (not saying I deserve this, just that I did have concerns but didn't heed my inner voice). It will take time to get out!

Thank you for the reminder.

Peace.
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Old 08-03-2013, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Onawa, for me, with my unbearably narcissistic husband, as I grew healthier in terms of taking care of my needs---I reached a "tipping point" with him--from which there was no return. It was like any "love" I had felt just died and withered away. That was decades ago--I divorced him---and never regretted it. Oh, by the way--he was a revisionist too!!!!

That annoys me soooo!

I don't know what to exactly advise you---because, one day i simply "saw the light" and knew that I had to leave. I couldn't get away fast enough. I took the three young children and left (via divorce proceedings).

You aren't going to change his revisionistic ways---staying away from his physical presence is the only thing I can think of.

sorry.

dandylion
Yes, physically staying away from him does help! I am able to walk away and right out of the house now, before I couldn't do that. Now, I don't have that terrible longing inside to "resolve" whatever stupid argument is starting up... so it's easy to walk away where it wasn't easy before. It's just pointless. Walking away benefits me. It's like I'm just tired of saying words to him lol. It does nothing but drain me. I'm not perfect at that yet, but have made tons of progress, and fast.

And I can understand the "narcissism" too...wow...the conceit he demonstrates, the undeserved praise he heaps upon himself is truly a thing to behold lol. But truly confident people have no need to boast, brag, and talk on and on about how "superior" they are. Truly confident people don't even think in terms of "superior/inferior". No need to.

Thank you. Your advice to literally not be near him is good.

Peace.
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Old 08-03-2013, 10:00 AM
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I so agree with SparkleKitty it is HIM not you but I know how hard it is. They chip away at your self esteem until you doubt yourself.
Good luck with your plans - wishing you all the happiness in the world!
Some of the best advice I was given was to remember I was arguing and trying to reason with a vodka bottle, not a person!
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Old 08-03-2013, 10:08 AM
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Well... When you change, he may change. And I don't mean in a see the error of his ways and get sober way

When I decided to leave (and had a plan and a timeline) my attitude to him changed. I truly let everything go. Because I really didn't care anymore. And it infuriated him and he really cranked up his abusive side something wicked.

So eyes open, head held high, and stow away in the back of your mind that circumstances may propel you into action sooner than you anticipate.
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Old 08-03-2013, 10:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Quish16 View Post
I so agree with SparkleKitty it is HIM not you but I know how hard it is. They chip away at your self esteem until you doubt yourself.
Good luck with your plans - wishing you all the happiness in the world!
Some of the best advice I was given was to remember I was arguing and trying to reason with a vodka bottle, not a person!
Thank you. I got a good laugh picturing myself trying to reason with a 40oz bottle of malt liquor lol! How true!

Peace.
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Old 08-03-2013, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Well... When you change, he may change. And I don't mean in a see the error of his ways and get sober way

When I decided to leave (and had a plan and a timeline) my attitude to him changed. I truly let everything go. Because I really didn't care anymore. And it infuriated him and he really cranked up his abusive side something wicked.

So eyes open, head held high, and stow away in the back of your mind that circumstances may propel you into action sooner than you anticipate.
Yes...I absolutely hear that. I do have some concern for my safety upon leaving. I'm invited to stay with his family should I need to but I fear he will harass me or worse, and them too. With a very young child living there, I don't like that. I'd rather go where he has no idea where I am. But, if need be, in a pinch I can go stay there.

In the past he has verbalized changes seen in me. In my eyes. If I ever do anything now to "make peace" it is not about me trying to make myself feel better or trying to hold onto hope. It is about just keeping the situation as calm as I can for my own well being.

Thank you for the reminder because it is important that I don't change too much noticeably. While I absolutely know and understand that, sometimes in the moment I forget.

Peace.
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Old 08-03-2013, 10:57 AM
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OnawaMiniya,

When I worked in the nuclear industry we learned that "time, distance and shielding" minimizes exposure to radiation and I use those same principles with any negative force in my life.

Time: limiting or minimizing the exposure time reduces the dose.

Distance: Just as the heat from a fire is less intense the further away you are, so is the intensity and pain created by an alcoholic the further away you are.

Shielding: Barriers of lead, concrete and water provide protection from penetrating radiation. Walls, other people, etc. provides protection from alcoholics.
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Old 08-03-2013, 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted by RollTide View Post
OnawaMiniya,

When I worked in the nuclear industry we learned that "time, distance and shielding" minimizes exposure to radiation and I use those same principles with any negative force in my life.

Time: limiting or minimizing the exposure time reduces the dose.

Distance: Just as the heat from a fire is less intense the further away you are, so is the intensity and pain created by an alcoholic the further away you are.

Shielding: Barriers of lead, concrete and water provide protection from penetrating radiation. Walls, other people, etc. provides protection from alcoholics.
I absolutely love this! Thank you!
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Old 08-03-2013, 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted by RollTide View Post
OnawaMiniya,

When I worked in the nuclear industry we learned that "time, distance and shielding" minimizes exposure to radiation and I use those same principles with any negative force in my life.

Time: limiting or minimizing the exposure time reduces the dose.

Distance: Just as the heat from a fire is less intense the further away you are, so is the intensity and pain created by an alcoholic the further away you are.

Shielding: Barriers of lead, concrete and water provide protection from penetrating radiation. Walls, other people, etc. provides protection from alcoholics.
Now THAT is something an Engineer can relate to. THANK YOU.

I have just been working in Distance. Distance = Safety.

As is -- Stay Clear of the blast radius, or stay AWAY from the High Voltage.
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