Ripper

I’ll try to be as concise as possible and try to sum up what‘s been going on. I don’t expect magical answers I just need to write this out and try to understand-bear with me.

I’ve been with my AH for 17 years. I first suspected he had a problem 13 years ago when I came home one evening, 3 months pregnant after a birthday (mine) dinner with some girlfriends, to find my AH home alone, completely wasted. We had a talk later, and I explained to him that this made me uncomfortable, and that we were going to be parents soon and this was not appropriate behaviour. Well 13 years later, many ”discussions”, lies, broken promises, bottles hidden too many places to count, a DUI that was dropped; and begging, crying, pleading, threatening, ultimatums, on my part.

Things started getting worse a few years ago. One night, my AH left my oldest at his sports practice, and proceeded to go drink and come back home with my oldest and crashed, wasted…that night something snapped inside of me. I should’ve left right then and there….unfortunately that night was the eve of my departure for a week-long trip south with a girlfriend of mine. I never felt so devastated, scared, lost in my entire life…I was leaving my two kids (then 6 and 8) with an irresponsible adult; how could I do something like that? What kind of mom was I? Luckily, I had arranged for my sister-in-law to come over during my absence to help her brother with the kids, but she had no idea he had a drinking problem. Everything turned out fine, fortunately, however, his judgement did not improve and over the next few years, he again made some really bad decisions that could have turned out much worse than they did. And I started detaching myself, trying to focus on my kids and what I wanted out of this. I grieved the future I had imagined for our family, I grieved the great, sweet, intelligent, responsible guy I met 17 years ago, and started imagining a different life that could be. I’ve been in therapy for myself, and started couples therapy a few month ago with my AH, because last fall, I gave him an (another) ultimatum-seek help or I’m out. He convinced me to go into therapy with him, because he insists (and I agree but that’s beside the point) I also have issues and our problems are not all caused by his drinking. So in therapy since April and two weeks ago, I find a half drunken bottle of Vodka hidden with his spare tire tools, in the trunk of his car! That is the last straw; we’re in couples therapy at 165$ an hour, and he’s still hiding bottles! This is ridiculous.

So now, last night; to begin the discussion, I sent an article I’d found on a web site that concerns alcoholics and hiding bottles to my AH. He read it and agreed that he could see himself in this article. I tell him I can no longer continue like this, the lies, the hiding, it has destroyed our relationship and I don’t see how things can get better. He stops me and says he’s made a decision: he is giving up drinking-period. I ask if he’ll seek help from AA or a therapist, whatever. He says no need; “the problem is that I drink, I’ll just stop drinking”. I tell him I don’t believe he can do it on his own, not to be mean, but drinking for so long, he cannot do this alone. He argues that he’s done it for a month in the past; it’ll be the same, just longer…

So my question is: what now? I wait and see when he’ll fall off the wagon? I continue with my plan to leave? I know he’ll make this difficult, he did mention during our conversation that he will not say to the kids that “we” decided to break up, it’ll be completely my responsibility; that “I” decided to leave. I expected this, but it’s hard to hear it. I just wish I could just detach myself, and focus on getting my life back together. He managed to turn tables again on me last night, pointing out my shortcomings, and my faults…it’s so hard to focus and stay strong. I know I’m not perfect, far from it. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve admitted them to my AH. I agree that his drinking is not our only issue, but am I wrong to think that his drinking (and lying, and bad decisions, etc.) affect everything in our relationship and we cannot begin to work on anything else before he faces this?

Any insight would be great right now, I’m a little lost…thank you all for being there.