Originally Posted by
lizatola 
I meant to come on last night and thank you for this. Thank you for the honesty and openness because I know I'm doing exactly what you did. I'm believing his lies, his excuses for his behavior, or I may not necessarily be believing it but I'm definitely minimizing it and downplaying the destructiveness of it.
It's time for me to throw myself into my Al Anon program full on. I've been playing around with it, dipping my toe into the pool of recovery, reading a book here and there, journaling here and there, etc. But, really, it needs to become a daily habit. I spoke with my sponsor last night and, as always, she said, "I swear you married my X." And, I know, that's why she is my sponsor because she's been there before me and even went back with her X after he found recovery for a few years until she finally left again. She's been in program for 25 years now and I really need to start relying on her more but also reaching out to local program friends, which I had been neglecting to do. I always felt that I was bothering people if I called them. Well, I forgot that the reason we have phone lists is for exactly that: to take other's calls!
I don't usually feel criticized here. I know everyone's intent is to wake me up and have me smell the coffee. I get that. I've been with my AH for over 20 years now and I realized that old habits die hard especially when you've created a life with them.
Hi Liz,
How are you doing today? I think the plan that you have is a really good plan.
When I first came to SR, I used to read your threads. I couldn't respond to you at that time, because the pain I felt from my marriage was still so very fresh in my mind. My head was so messed up and I was still trying to make sense of things. Your posts were so similar to what I was going through, I actually didn't know how to respond.
I'm another one of these "people-pleasers" who cannot stand rejection. I did feel like I was rejected for most of my life, and d@mn it, I was going to make my marriage work. I studied all the books, changed whatever I could change about myself, it still didn't work, nothing worked. I finally realized there was nothing left to change about me that he still wouldn't consider to be wrong. I was running around in circles and he was watching me, just waiting for the next opportunity to take me down.
I think you are finally seeing this. I don't remember how long I was running around in circles. I would estimate for at least 8 years before I left. Not to say that the prior years were a picnic, but this was when I really started to question things, and look for answers. In a way, I see you are far more advanced then I was. For one thing, you are really "spunky". I was on an abuse forum, and I stopped posting there, except to say Happy Birthday to some of the members. What did save me is that I had 2 really good friends from that forum, that just would not give up on me. I stopped posting on the forum because even though I knew what they were saying was true, I found myself minimizing the damage my relationship and the abuse was doing to me, because I felt that the forum was rejecting me, and I hate rejection. So as I was minimizing, justifying and denying on the forum, it was keeping me in the circle that I was running around in.
I see the spunkiness and courage in you, because you keep coming back. To me, this shows that you are really trying to help yourself.
We were both married for really long times, and that manipulation and brain-washing was present the entire time, then throw in our childhood. What a "mix" that is!!!!! (lol). So we have had dysfunction all of our lives. It is difficult to undo 40+ years of dysfunction. It's like trying to learn another language but not having a book to study it from. So we seek out books, therapy, alanon, and forums to help us see what "normal" is.
Give yourself credit here. You do recognize dysfunction, you do recognize that you are not happy, but something I had a problem with also, is that I didn't know really what "happy" was, or what "normal" was. I guess I kept myself "stuck" in my relationship for so long because I didn't know how I was supposed to "feel", I just knew my relationship didn't feel right. I left my marriage because it got to the point that I no longer felt physically safe there.
I'm not saying all of this to keep you "stuck" in your relationship, I just want you to know that I do understand. The courage you have, is that you keep seeking out help. Everyone on this forum wants the best for you, we just want it to happen "sooner" for you. We want the best for you, and we want it now. After all we are all codies here !!!!!! (lol), and we really hate it when someone messes with someone in our codie family.
