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Spouse's depression: do you step in?

Old 07-28-2013, 04:29 PM
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Spouse's depression: do you step in?

My AH has been seriously depressed and it's been gradually getting worse over the past few days. Today he is laying in bed, wrapped up in a blanket, on the mattress cover because I washed all the sheet sets today. I asked him if he was going to be Ok and he said, "Sure". A good friend of his passed away on Thursday so I'm assuming this was the triggering event.

He is on antidepressants so I don't know if I should step in and call his psych doc in the AM or if I should call 911 and get him checked at the hospital to see if other meds would help or if I should just leave well enough alone and let him sleep it off today? Everyone has different ways of handling depression and stress and he shuts down sometimes. He has had a few episodes like this in the past, but usually he was more functioning and would at least communicate in basic form. He hasn't eaten in 2 days, either. He basically hasn't moved for around 20 hours now except to use the restroom. I am tempted to ask him if he feels he's a danger to himself, but again I don't think he'll answer me or

I'm doing the best I can, hanging out in the other room with my son watching some tennis and HGTV. He has plans to go out and play a practice match with a friend tonight so that gets us out of the house later for a few hours. The dog should be fine and will probably take a nap with AH. I have a call in to some program friends and hope to hear from them later, including my sponsor.
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Old 07-28-2013, 04:36 PM
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I don't think 911 is going to do anything if all he is doing is acting depressed. They can't take him off to be evaluated without an indication he's a danger to himself or others.

I'd leave him alone for now.
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Old 07-28-2013, 05:11 PM
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Liz, this is just me---and many might disagree with me---but I would encourage him to seek help. His behavior is very worrysome and one has to live with their own morality as to reaching out to another human that is suffering. Personally, I would not l eave a person in his condition alone in a house. I think that he should speak with a doctor---and, perhaps he would be willing to admit himself for help. He could talk to his own doctor on the phone or go to an emergency room, also.

I speak for myself---alone. I worked in psychiatry for many years....so, I am especially opinionated on this.....

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Old 07-28-2013, 05:18 PM
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Yes, call his doc.
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Old 07-28-2013, 05:47 PM
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I am tempted to ask him if he feels he's a danger to himself, but again I don't think he'll answer me or
lizatola,

Did you miss the end of this sentence? or what?
Is he being medicated for depression? Bi polar?
I do not know, but given his other diagnosis, I think just leave him alone now.

I'm doing the best I can, hanging out in the other room with my son watching some tennis and HGTV. He has plans to go out and play a practice match with a friend tonight so that gets us out of the house later for a few hours. The dog should be fine and will probably take a nap with AH. I have a call in to some program friends and hope to hear from them later, including my sponsor.
This is excellent lizatola. Reaching out for support and taking care of you
and your son.

Beth
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Old 07-28-2013, 06:35 PM
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As far as I know he was diagnosed as just having depression. He takes Paxil for it, for the last 2 years now. He also was diagnosed with NPD and takes Strattera for ADHD and Ambien for sleep problems.

Well, he woke up and I ran to the store and after I got home, he told me we need to talk ASAP. I know he's been contemplating life without me and that's fine but I'm just nervous about having a conversation with him right now. I figure his depression is relating to the fact that he wants to have it out with me and also due to his friend's death. Maybe it was a turning point to him? Maybe he wants to be free to sleep around, drink and drive, or maybe he wants to recommit to the family? I won't know until we talk so I'll update later.
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Old 07-28-2013, 06:54 PM
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lizatola,

I hope you get to read this, I am thinking of you.
Remember, take care of yourself, do not take any responsibility for his problems.
Do you know what he has been thinking?
Try not to read his mind liz, and stand your ground.

Just the two widely disparate possibilities you mentioned,
either going wild or recommitting to the marriage
has me concerned for you.

I hope you find peace and serenity lizatola.

walking with you,

Beth
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Old 07-28-2013, 07:09 PM
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Nope. I would not step in. That's his to do. Needing to talk to you ASAP could range from "Please let's put the sheets back on the bed" to "Let's go to my friend's memorial service, can you get off work". Really. The nature of your post indicates a little bit of panic on your part. Depression, while it can be serious, is treatable. He's been treating it for 2 years. If, for some reason, his meds aren't working, he knows it. He knows his doc's contact information.
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Old 07-28-2013, 11:53 PM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
lizatola,

I hope you get to read this, I am thinking of you.
Remember, take care of yourself, do not take any responsibility for his problems.
Do you know what he has been thinking?
Try not to read his mind liz, and stand your ground.

Just the two widely disparate possibilities you mentioned,
either going wild or recommitting to the marriage
has me concerned for you.

I hope you find peace and serenity lizatola.

walking with you,

Beth
Thanks, Beth. Well, as one of my Al Anon friends predicted: he doesn't want death nor does he want out of the marriage. He tried to hook me with one of his open hearted talks where he professes his love for me, wants to date me again, wants to fix things, wants to fix himself, he'll go to counseling, etc. Of course, while he admitted that drinking is an issue, he would not commit to quitting or changing that behavior. I was pleasant. I tried to say what I meant, and not saying it mean, etc. I listened to his feelings: he felt that I treat him as subhuman and like a 'diagnosis'. I asked him what he wanted. He said I'm too nice to him and it makes him uncomfortable. What? Ok, so does he want me to be mean to him. He says I'm sugarcoating my anger with nice. Umm, no, I'm just trying to treat him like a human being, like when I made his coffee for him the other morning yet he accuses me of treating him poorly? That was about all I thought about it, I chalked it up to "alcoholic thinking" and dropped that part of the conversation. Not worth my time and effort to argue, but at the same time it gave me something to think about. About my own anger and how I let it out or how it is perceived. Maybe there's more to it and I need to give it some validity.

He kept complaining about how he has nobody and I called him out on that and told him that he needs to reach out, take responsibility, find an accountability partner, go to group therapy sessions, maybe try AA again? Nope, those aren't the answers. I told him he's been complaining like this since before we got married and I'm not equipped to be EVERYTHING to him and for him.

I am tired of feeling like a broken record, though, but for now I told him I'm still on guard. He 'says' he understands but he has said that before and when things don't go quickly enough for him, he shuts down and plays passive aggressive games.
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Old 07-29-2013, 02:57 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Of course, while he admitted that drinking is an issue, he would not commit to quitting or changing that behavior.
Why would he? He's pretty damn comfy right where he is.

Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
He said I'm too nice to him and it makes him uncomfortable.



Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
He says I'm sugarcoating my anger with nice.


Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
at the same time it gave me something to think about. About my own anger and how I let it out or how it is perceived. Maybe there's more to it and I need to give it some validity.
Why would you want to give a massive QUACK any validity whatsoever?

Take a look back at how he just played you: He got you to worry about him, you thought about calling a Dr or 911, you were upset and scared. And now, after a big King Baby performance, he's got you thinking that there's something wrong with YOU and how you express your anger.

What a big quacking duck baby

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Old 07-29-2013, 05:22 AM
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Yes, Lulu said it better than I could.

This is pure alcoholic BS. Talk about a pity-party!

liz, the two of you aren't even having the same conversation.
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Old 07-29-2013, 06:56 AM
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Completely agree - this is nonsense, just utter quacking. Lulu said it so well, all I could hear was qucking in my head anytime I read a sentence that starts, "He says..."


Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I am tired of feeling like a broken record, though, but for now I told him I'm still on guard. He 'says' he understands but he has said that before and when things don't go quickly enough for him, he shuts down and plays passive aggressive games.
I bolded the parts here that stuck out to me - (a) you don't need to be just 'on guard' IMO, you need to be fully engaged & aware & in the game and (b) again, IMHO, this entire incident IS him being pass/agressive, it's not whether he'll GET p/a... he already IS.

As far as examining YOUR flaws as he points out - I don't think I'd bother just yet.... none of his quacking carries any weight, those aren't REAL complaints. It's like slinging a bunch of spaghetti at a wall & seeing what sticks. I don't think you'll truly get the clarity you need to work on any personal flaws until he is either in full recovery mode or you are away from him. ((((HUGS))))
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Old 07-29-2013, 06:58 AM
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Not worth my time and effort to argue, but at the same time it gave me something to think about. About my own anger and how I let it out or how it is perceived. Maybe there's more to it and I need to give it some validity.
This kind of detachment your practicing is meant to be for short-term survival while you make plans for other things.

How many of your life decisions and how much of your self-esteem should be based on the input of a scary, punishing, mentally ill, self-medicating, alcoholic?

I pray you leave him soon, Liz. I am worried about YOUR health. He wants you in the rabbit hole with him, and I get the feeling you'd go there if you thought it would protect you from divorce.
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Old 07-29-2013, 06:13 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Yes, Lulu said it better than I could.

This is pure alcoholic BS. Talk about a pity-party!

liz, the two of you aren't even having the same conversation.
Yep, pretty much. I think I said this a lot: "you may be right about that" and "okay, I'm sorry you feel that way." He got real frustrated with these, LOL!

I did mention how I felt about his lying and he decided it would be fun to turn the tables on me. Then I turned the table back and asked him why he didn't call his son for the 2 weeks we were in FL. He said, "I texted him before his first match. He didn't respond back to me, he never responds to me. The kid wants nothing to do with me and can you blame him?" So, there was the pity party wrapped up in a lie. My son never got a text from his dad, I checked the phone records and there was no record on either line and my son also TOLD me that he never heard from his father. What really ticks me off is that he threw his own kid under the bus and tried to make a 14 year old look bad when I was trying to encourage him to be a more involved father, etc.

I did make the mistake of telling him that I'd go to his psychologist with him. Ah claims that I only see him as a diagnosis or a condition and that I'm not fair. He made a stink about how I don't praise his hard work enough and how I don't praise other things, but then followed it up with, "oh, you did give me that nice thank you card back in June." Well, hey kudos to me for giving him a thank you card but NOT doing enough.

Oh, and the NPD diagnosis is off the table. He claims that HE thought he was NPD and that his doctor says that's not the problem. Quack, quack. Whatever, I stopped listening. I finally said, "Well, actions speak louder than words so I'll be watching and waiting. It was nice for us to have this talk." And, that's where it ended.
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Old 07-29-2013, 07:00 PM
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so I'll be watching and waiting.

for WHAT exactly? what IS it you are waiting to see? you guys have the same conversation over and over....and over. he's the way he is and not going to change but YOU need to work on <<fillin the blank>> and you say ok whatever we'll do the same thing again and see what changes.

he has said you treat him like a diagnosis...and I actually empathize with him a bit....you see him as an alcoholic, or an passive/aggressive, or depressed, or with NPD..and he may indeed BE all those things. but he is still a whole person who has shown you repeatedly thru the years WHO HE IS.

hon, short of either divine or alien intervention, he IS who he IS, and even with a positive program he wouldn't change THAT MUCH.

I have and have always had bad knees....I long ago gave up the hope or even thought of being a runner. or anything athletic that requires the extended use of KNEES. I do not run, jump, leap or fling myself off of the earth hoping my legs will support me when I land.

we are who we are. it's actually an insult to keep suggesting that someone be something else, IF after YEARS they have demonstrated clearly they will never be that which we suggest.

it is what is liz. if you want change, BE that change.
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Old 07-29-2013, 07:01 PM
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Liz, Did you take any aspirins or tylenol yet for the headache he must have given you?

My head was just spinning reading this. Anything you said, he turned it right back onto you !!!!!!! Same kind of conversations I used to have. They make no sense. It is your sons fault, it is your fault. It's the therapist fault, or the therapist or doctor said he doesn't have a problem which means that it is all you. He didn't hear a word that you said.!!!!!!
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Old 07-29-2013, 07:23 PM
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Liz, I had to walk away from this a bit. Had to think. That conversation with your H was just so familiar. So what did you get out of it?

You would bring up things, he knocked them down.

I had many of these conversations. I was just thankful that he didn't explode, or rage at me. He would be calm. I would walk away thinking it was a good conversation.

Later on I started to doubt myself, I would tape those conversations, then I would listen to them over and over.

What your H said was absolutely nothing, except that you and your son are his problem.

He didn't say he was going to stop drinking, didn't say he would listen to his doctor, said he didn't want a divorce, didn't say what he would do, said what you should do.

And my head is still spinning. I may have to take aspirins and lay down for you.
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Old 07-29-2013, 07:50 PM
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To me, this little speech of his (you can't call it a conversation, which implies two-way communication) is simply a show for your benefit--to show how he is "trying" but you simply won't cooperate. It is sheer manipulation.

Maybe he's depressed or has some other mental health issues, or maybe he's just a *gasp!* garden-variety drunk. His claim of an NPD diagnosis, and then the dismissal of said diagnosis, his various "issues", his blaming of everyone but himself for his problems, seems solely designed to keep you off-base as you run around catering to his various "problems". He is UNIQUE and FASCINATING and TRAGIC. In short, the same kind of b.s. your average alcoholic lives, eats, and breathes.

From where I sit he seems like a boringly average, typical alcoholic.

I would echo what Anvil asked--what are you watching and waiting for? An epiphany? Something so horrible that you will finally feel that you have no choice but to leave? For him to leave you first?

We all have the right to make our own decisions to leave or to stay, or to decide how long to stay. It's just not clear to me what it is that you are expecting or hoping will happen, when there's no sign that anything much is going to change, except for you to be worn down a little further each day as time goes by.
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Old 07-30-2013, 08:40 AM
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"He is UNIQUE and FASCINATING and TRAGIC. In short, the same kind of b.s. your average alcoholic lives, eats, and breathes."

Man, I love this... Thanks, Lexie
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Old 07-30-2013, 09:07 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Well, actions speak louder than words so I'll be watching and waiting.
See, he knows how desperately you want him to change. He doesn't want to (maybe he's not even capable of changing the way you want him to), but he knows what you want. So, he plays the game of dangling it in front of you. If only you would do something different, maybe he could change. If only you would praise him more, have more sex with him, stop getting angry when he's an ass, support him, believe him, trust him.......then he could be the man you've always wanted him to be.

So, until you are willing to give up your fantasy of him becoming somebody else, and accept that he is exactly who he is, he will continue to play you like a violin.

L
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