Liz,
I was going to ask you if you just happened to be married to my ex? All of these things are so similar. Yes, the grabbing at you was and is sexual abuse, sexual assault. It took me a really long time for me to understand this.
When I was married I was always trying to change me for the better, because that was something that I had control over. I knew I didn't have control over him.
The situations that I was going through, I no longer felt them. I became able to talk about them with a complete detachment, like it wasn't really happening to me!!!!!!!
I did post a thread about "flashbacks", but I have to tell you, I belonged to a forum then, and I wasn't able to post that stuff on a forum. I was in total denial, I think I wanted to be in denial. I didn't want anyone to really see the h3ll I was going through, I did have phone contact with some of the members from that forum, and a few of them were ready to come and get me anytime that I needed to go. They were going to rent a u-haul, with a car hook up, so I could take my car with me.
It was like the more he hurt me, the more I would be able to take, and the rest of the stuff didn't seem that bad anymore.
It is the frog with the boiling water story.
In a way we need to make peace with ourselves, so we also minimize, justify, and deny.
Yes, my ex did sexually abuse me, sexually assaulted me, and raped me, and I had to apologize to him for even thinking those things.
Just know that we are here for you, and just keep posting. Don't do what I did. I isolated myself from everyone, even my forum.