Hey there cr995,
There's nothing wrong with you, at least nothing is wrong with you that wasn't wrong with me also, (lol).
The entire time that my divorce was going through, I wanted things to go back, the way that they were, was even willing I guess to go through the abuse again. The feeling of abandonment and rejection was too much for me to handle.
I did have some good days where I knew everything was for the best, but I think all those years where I had researched, tried everything that I could to make things better, I think I was still stuck on the hamster wheel. All those years that I thought I could make things work, were forever closing on me. I know, it should have been a relief for me, but it wasn't.
The divorce did go through, 2 1/2 years ago. It was during that time that I looked back and realized, I don't think that I even loved him then, I wanted validation, I wanted closure, I wanted him to see my "rightness, and his "wrongness". I actually didn't want him at all. I wanted my dream, my fantasy of a good marriage and growing old together, and looking at pictures of our children while we were out on the porch sitting on our rocking chairs, and remembering the good old days.
I was in denial, I was blinded by my own fantasies, was still on the hamster wheel.
The divorce got me off that "hamster wheel", I now had only myself to take care of, no more researching, no more trying, no more trying to change me to someone he would love. That wasn't possible anyway. He didn't love himself, how could he know how to love me?
The divorce set me free of all that.
I'm glad you came to the board today to talk about it, instead of an e-mail or a phone call. Believe me, I was guilty of that. It only made the pain worse.
((((((((((hugs))))))))) to you. It will get better, and we will be with you during this sadness, anger, depression, rage.
Just keep coming back here, we love you and won't abandon you.