Tom - I know exactly how you feel. I remember that I felt like my mind was tied into a big knot; all balled up. I understood that I needed to unravel it, but had no idea how to approach it - especially when I spent decades in that mindset. I was a creature of habit in action and thought.
I went to detox, in-patient rehab, aftercare/counseling and AA, and was amazed by the easy clarity I had in seeing solutions for others, yet stumbled on my own solutions early on. It was when I switched the focus from what others were thinking and doing to what I was doing, and what part I played in my own path in life that the gears seemed to switch for me.
I had some rotten things happen to me in my life up until then -some I had no responsibility for, and others I was completely responsible for. On some level, I think at the time I accepted that I wasn't worth saving. So much shame, so much anger, so many resentments, and it was killing me. Yet at the same time, I felt like I was screaming that I did deserve happiness, a feeling of connection, that I did belong - if that makes any sense. A complete conundrum. It was in working with others who understood and through hashing it out, combined with devoted actions related to change, that got me out of the hole. I changed everything; and my mind began to change. I became grateful for the people I encountered in my life, grateful for the events that helped me shine a light on the darkness, and eventually my feelings of despair shifted to hope. I had to add light to my circumstances - even if it was only in thought.
Above all, I had to accept that drinking alcohol was not going to change anything - booze was not an option; and never would be again.
If I had to describe how I got out of it when I quit drinking 19 years ago, I would say my mind was like a frozen set of gears - the biggest cog being in the center. I worked on the smaller gears to the outside, and once freed, would move on to the next, until that big cog in the center became free. It takes time, dedication and most importantly, the belief that we deserve a content life. You do deserve that.
Hang in there and keep working it. and be fearless. You can do it
