Flower, first hugs to you. Second, detachment is learning to let his problem be his. You cant control him or his actions. It sounds to me like you may be reading the steps, but are you really working them? Alanon gives us tools to help us help ourselves. The self esteem has to come from within yourself. You have to get yourself better. I guess by reading your post, I get the feeling and idea that you are trying to do anything you can to make HIM change. The hardest part for me is learning to put myself first. When I took a look at the characteristics of an adult child of an alcoholic, I started to picture my children 20 years from now in the same situation and I just dont find that acceptable. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Blessings,
MysticCat