Help! 7 year member very confused

Old 01-02-2005, 08:02 PM
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Help! 7 year member very confused

Ive been in alanon for 7 years, and I feel very confused. I feel like by keeping quiet about my husbands problem, I have enabled him to put his system in place and am watching him kill himself, make our life hell, and hurt my kids emotionally.

I cannot just sit here and pretend nothing is happening, and actually in a meeting tonight I was told "detaching is not ignoring the problem." Hmmmm ok now I'm really confused.

I really believe the best advice I heard was at a treatment center my father went to, which is all about tough love. It's about just finally saying, listen, I will not live this way anymore, and if you want to kill yourself, go do it but I'm not watching anymore and will not live with you this way.

I have worked my program, done all the steps, go to meetings, prayed, prayed, prayed....

All I see is my kids suffering by living with alcoholism. And me. And everyone blaming me because I am the one who "won't lay down the law." Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

So the bottom line is, am I just supposed to learn from alanon that it's best for myself not to live with this and then get the self esteem not to?

If it is, I wish they would be more honest about it... if it's not, then I still feel I'm just making things worse.

I guess I'm still a black and white person. For now, I'm taking steps/days one at a time. Tt a lawyer, having papers drawn up because I don't think my a will take anything seriously without them, and working up the courage to make an appt with a counselor, and get the gumption to stand up for what I want in life.

The thing is, he's really miserable when he's not drinking, so where is that going to get me.

It really does get worse and worse. Helppppp
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Old 01-02-2005, 08:09 PM
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My advise would be to FIRST make the appointment with the therapist. It does take courage, and THEY are there for YOU. These people have a job to do and it is to help people like us see things in a different way. I swear that therapy has changed my view on life 100%. Don't be scared. They are there to help you.

I urge you to take no further action in leaving your AH until you talk to a counselor about how you are feeling. It makes thinks easier, if nothing else.

I know Alanon and know that steps and know how to take care of myself and a VITAL part of caring for myself is finding someone to talk to. Find someone.

Many prayers to you.

Jenny
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Old 01-02-2005, 09:15 PM
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I agree with Jenny. Things in my life have become so much clearer with the help of counseling.

(((flower)))
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Old 01-02-2005, 09:29 PM
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Get Up, Stand Up

Flower 37 -- based on your posting, I take it your Dad was an Alcoholic as well. Join the club - mine too. And you are living with one. Again, join the club -- I do too (he's also an addict). I have the same feeling at Alanon meetings - confusion, lots of thinking and praying. I too am a black and white person. I guess I believe in the tough love thing as well, and I think sticking with it (the alcoholic or addict), or detaching from it/him/her while living with it/him/her is enabling. I ask myself the big questions every day -- if I stay what am I saying? Am I agreeing with the addiction, the behavior? I have kids as well, and that is the heartbreaking part. I don't want them raised in the environment, I don't want them to go through what I went through.

My opinion -- think of your kids and you. What do you all need? Because, quite frankly, your husband has not been asking or responding to that question in the least.

God bless you and your kiddos.
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Old 01-02-2005, 11:36 PM
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Flower, first hugs to you. Second, detachment is learning to let his problem be his. You cant control him or his actions. It sounds to me like you may be reading the steps, but are you really working them? Alanon gives us tools to help us help ourselves. The self esteem has to come from within yourself. You have to get yourself better. I guess by reading your post, I get the feeling and idea that you are trying to do anything you can to make HIM change. The hardest part for me is learning to put myself first. When I took a look at the characteristics of an adult child of an alcoholic, I started to picture my children 20 years from now in the same situation and I just dont find that acceptable. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Blessings,
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Old 01-03-2005, 04:54 AM
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It doesn't get more black and white than the fact that you have a choice. It gets confusing when you are waiting for someone else to make it for you.

You can be married one day at a time, just because you stay...today...doesn't mean you have to stay forever. Having a plan would be a good first step. You may never use it, but having it can lift that trapped feeling.

It really doesn't matter who you talk to, us, a therapist, your sponsor or God. In the end it remains yours to choose.

I am a believer in "doing" whatever there is to "do"...that way, should you decide to leave, when reality sets in, you won't be wishing you had done more.

Hugs,
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Old 01-03-2005, 06:57 AM
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Really the choice is yours. I would have found it impossible to really totally detach and live well while living with a drinking alcoholic. I was about to leave when mine got sober/ My children were very young at the time. His drinking was having A NEGATIVE EFFECT ON THEM -YOUNG AS THEY WERE. You have been in alanon for 7 years and apparently your situation is still causing your more and more grief. Frankly I think is is rationally almost impossible to live a happy life with a drunk in the house. I think living with an alcoholic that continues to drink is so damanging for the children involved. They certainly can't detach.. I think alanon kind of ignores the children too young to really cope with the situation. Not to mention that the alcoholic is often caring for and driving these children while drunk. You may be at the point where saying[and meaning it] your drinking has become unacceptable to me- get help or get out. This is just my opinion only. hugs to you dax
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Old 01-03-2005, 07:47 AM
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Hi flower37,you say,i feel by keeping quiet.I have enabled him.
Step one.We admitted we were "powerless" over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.If your thinking that your actions ,makes any difference in anothers drinking or not drinking,it may be your still havent accepted step one.Our scemes and threats had succeeded only in our being phyically and emotionally exhausted.
Step2.Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
All recovery is for me to improve the "quality",of my own life.Whether another drinks or not.All the tough love,screamming,and my demands,all this got me was my being totally out of control.and more upset.Didnt change another though.To stay or go.I was ready to head for da hills on our marriage.But i needed recovery first.Peace,no matter what goes on.Because ,in life there will always be issues,.Whether another drinks or not....My kids,are the ones who taught me unconditional love.They love,and somehow accepted their father for who he was.,and me too.And as a family,we are learning about recovery.Today they are adults.They dont seem to judge,folks.Dont seem to put their nose up at folks.They are all doing well.Spiritually and emotionally,so far,one day at a time.So ya just never know how things will turn out.Life is not black or white.Some kids grow up in alcoholics homes,and are really doing well in life.And some dont.Some kids grow up in non-alcoholic homes,and are doing well in life.Some dont.Its a belief that if kids grow up in non-alcoholic homes,,all will be well for them.But that isnt always the case.Or the rule.The thing is no matter what,the answers to any problems ive had had,or,have a "spiritual" answer to them.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,take care..
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Old 01-03-2005, 11:29 AM
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I believe that to detach is to accept that you don't have control over another's actions. You have control over your own. It sounds like you thought by detaching that the alcoholic would realize their problem and shape up....still trying to control another's actions. Accept it, set your boundaries and follow through if those boundaries are crossed. It is perfectly acceptable for you to say, I do not want this behavior around my children and I do not want them living with an alcoholic, but you better be ready to follow through. I told my AH after treatment that I was supportive of him and would stand by him, but there were a few things that I would no longer tolerate...I had done some thinking while he was gone. He was never to drink in the house or anywhere in the vicinity of my children and if he drank somewhere else, then he better have somewhere else to stay. I made the choice to not have my children see their father drunk one more day....it was better for them not to see him at all. These were boundaries that he could certainly live by and he chose to do so, he also knew that I meant business. This worked for me. I believe it was my al-anon group that helped me to realize what my boundaries were and that I deserved to be respected. After realizing this, it was a lot easier to demand this type of respect. Look back at step 1 and work through them again. Admit to yourself that nothing you can do can change his behavior and really work to change yours. Detaching isn't about turning a blind eye...but rather about stopping your controlling behavior over another person so you can focus your energy and time on things you can change....your own behaviors. Good Luck and be strong.
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Old 01-05-2005, 10:26 AM
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Thank you all so much, as usual, with alanon friends, I always hear exactly what I need to hear!
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