Originally Posted by JessicaNAJ

I'm pretty down right now. A lot has happened in the last two days. I feel as though I need a really swift Kick in the you know what.

Thursday was my son's birthday. I got off work early and decided I was going to run a few errands and then take him out to eat.

Right after I picked him up from the sitter, he asked if he could call his daddy to tell him it was his birthday. I told him I thought he should wait for daddy to call him, but he really wanted to call him, so I let him. He said, "Daddy, do you know what day it is?" AH said, "Thursday". "It's my birthday!" "Happy birthday buddy." Then my son asked him to join us for dinner, AH says, "I don't think so, I'm just getting over a cold." (that was his excuse for not communicating with us for 4 days.) ANYWAY - we enjoyed ourselves to a good dinner and then went to Toys R Us. It turned out to be a good night.

Last night, we went to AH's sisters for New Years Eve. Same ole Same ole - nothing to write home about.

Today, ugh.... Today, I had a "conversation" with a drunken *&^%. Did you know that its all my fault. I just wasnt' patient enough, I squashed him like a bug and hurt him, It's my fault that 2004 has been so painful for him. And I never gave him a chance. I hesitate when he comes to me for hug and it's my fault....

The sadest part of all this, I feel a little guilty. Even though I know I've done everything I could do throughout our 14 years together to make him happy and it was never appreciated. Now all of sudden, because I had enough of being unappreciated and I'm starting to take care of myself, the tables are turned - All because I told him I wanted him to move out.

Yes, I am feeling guilty. I know me asking him to move out hurt him and that my distance hurts him. What about all the pain I've endured throughout the years, and you know, this last year hasn't exactly be a cake walk for me either.