JessicaNAJ

I'm pretty down right now. A lot has happened in the last two days. I feel as though I need a really swift Kick in the you know what.

Thursday was my son's birthday. I got off work early and decided I was going to run a few errands and then take him out to eat.

Right after I picked him up from the sitter, he asked if he could call his daddy to tell him it was his birthday. I told him I thought he should wait for daddy to call him, but he really wanted to call him, so I let him. He said, "Daddy, do you know what day it is?" AH said, "Thursday". "It's my birthday!" "Happy birthday buddy." Then my son asked him to join us for dinner, AH says, "I don't think so, I'm just getting over a cold." (that was his excuse for not communicating with us for 4 days.) ANYWAY - we enjoyed ourselves to a good dinner and then went to Toys R Us. It turned out to be a good night.

Last night, we went to AH's sisters for New Years Eve. Same ole Same ole - nothing to write home about.

Today, ugh.... Today, I had a "conversation" with a drunken *&^%. Did you know that its all my fault. I just wasnt' patient enough, I squashed him like a bug and hurt him, It's my fault that 2004 has been so painful for him. And I never gave him a chance. I hesitate when he comes to me for hug and it's my fault....

The sadest part of all this, I feel a little guilty. Even though I know I've done everything I could do throughout our 14 years together to make him happy and it was never appreciated. Now all of sudden, because I had enough of being unappreciated and I'm starting to take care of myself, the tables are turned - All because I told him I wanted him to move out.

Yes, I am feeling guilty. I know me asking him to move out hurt him and that my distance hurts him. What about all the pain I've endured throughout the years, and you know, this last year hasn't exactly be a cake walk for me either.

treacle222000

Hi Jessica,
I'm new to this and was involved with an A though didn't know it at the time! Well they are very good at running the guilt trips, saves them from facing up to their own behaviour. You are strong. You showed him the door and if you are anything like me you probably put him first for a long time. This is your time to be good to you, to live your life and thats what you are doing. I admire your courage, keep going. If he's in pain then he's done it to himself. Keep well, keep strong and allow yourself to be happy. You deserve it. LOL

melissaealy

You are so much stronger then me.Glad you are on the road to a better life.Goodluck to you.

JessicaNAJ

He lost his license for 4 years (almost 5 years ago) - he told me that he knew I couldn't wait until he got them back. He said that's why he got his third DUI, b/c after his second he thought he lost me. But after he got his 3rd one, I was still there. I drove him everywhere and I DIDN'T CARE. I wanted to help him. This has nothing to do with the fact that he lost his license. CAN'T he see that?

treacle222000

He's looking for someone else or something else to blame. No he can't see that whilst he's in that place. Its NOT your fault. Be gentle on yourself.

FormerDoormat

Hi again Little Angel. I agree with Treacle. No, he can't see. He can't see anything other than his own wants and needs. His entire world revolves around himself. Nothing is his fault, so it must be yours. He's just laying a guilt trip on you hoping that you'll change your mind. He's probably getting a bit desperate at this point. See, there's no one to bail him out next time he has a crisis, and he's just beginning to see that you're focusing on helping yourself and your world now revolves around YOU. You do have options the next time he attempts to lay a guilt trip on you. You can be compassionate and tell him you're sorry he's hurting and having such a rough time and then gently say good night and hang up the phone.

JessicaNAJ

Then I'm accused of being "Cold".

He called here are 8:00 and wanted to stop over to "see the kids". Of course I can't deny him seeing his kids. So I said okay. It was a huge ordeal just to get it out of him when he'd be coming over. I told him I didn't want him showing up at 9:30 and getting them all wound up.

After he left, I got to thinking.... he's scared. He knows he screwing up. He didn't come over here to see the kids, he came over here to check up on me. What do you think?? I know I'm not supposed to worry about what he's thinking, but I kinda have to so I can get around his manipulation.

FormerDoormat

I think you're absolutely right. He is scared. Scared to death. Scared of losing his codie. That will make it very difficult for him to convince himself that you're the cause of his drinking problem. That will force him to see that the problem lies within himself.

You can spend time worrying about what he's thinking (but you'll never figure it out), or you can spend time doing something nice for yourself and the kids. Hang in there Little Angel. You're doing great.

JessicaNAJ

I feel like I'm getting weaker - I don't want to give into his guilt and sympathy. That will just put me right back where I was a year ago. I'm just so tired of all this. I want it to go away!!!

I'm not a quiter, but I can see why it would be so easy.

WorriedWife

Great big ~~~~~HUGS~~~~~~ TO you !!!
Stay strong !!!

bookworm

No, you're not a quitter. That's evident. You have to decide though, who you're not a quitter for.
You, or him?
big higs to you Jessica.

Live

Jessica,

BS as in bull sh!t.
by invitation or appointment only.
Drop ins are neither appreciated or accepted.
One might have one's own life, eh?

JessicaNAJ

thanks live

dreamcatcher

I'm here with you on being tired. I am tired of feeling, thinking and doing. It gets to a point when you question every action and motive. Why are they really doing this? Did I not give them the benefit of trying? Yes, then you feel guilty, but then it turns out you were right, round and round we go. It's just like you want to turn off your emotions with this person, but don't do that then your cold and insensitive. CAN'T they find a big hole to put us in so we could take a break. It's getting to the point I am questioning my actions and motives. WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS????? Just having one of those BAD DAYS!!!!

gelfling

Ya know Jess,

You're probably one of the strongest women I've come across. You make decision and stick with them. You know your mind.

Stay on your current path. You've done nothing wrong regarding him and you're doing everything right for you and your kiddies. No guilt, no regrets. Just love.

Kathy

Live

There is a power post in the forum Relationships that is a checklist for healthy relationships. It is worth a look.

JessicaNAJ

Thanks Live - that's good to keep on hand. I knew my relationship with my AH was unhealthy, but I didn't realize it was THIS unhealthy.

Good info!!

mamasmitty

Thats because you are IN it! It's hard to see when you are in the middle of it all!

Karivan

(((Jessica))) You know in your heart what you should be doing and it's not enabling him. Read Jon's post again.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=39699

It fits what you say about your A. Don't let him guilt trip you into doing something that you will regret. Maybe you should get caller ID?