Wow...
WhiteFeathers: That was truly a perspective I have rarely heard. But it just made my damn day. It has been pretty tough explaining why I have been out of the job market taking care of my family to potential employers. Most have looked at me like I was playing video games and slacking off for the past 5+ years. But in that time I have helped raise to really amazing young men, I went too school ( almost finished the degree, 10 classes left before the military moved us from Alaska to California and dealt with her long hours, a deployment and multiple TDY's.) And yet I did it all while dumping a 12 pack down my neck, every single night.
While the societal view of SAHD's might be off, I think it is my own that is more so. I have isolated myself into my home for more than a few years for some reason I cannot explain. I have taken myself worth and thrown it out the window. For way too long I have described myself as a glorified maid. But any stay at home parent has full right to kick me square in the ass for that statement.
Yes, there is a lot of cleaning... Let me say that again ALOT OF FRACKIN CLEANING THAT NEVER SEEMS TO END!!! " YOU ONLY USED THAT TOWEL ONCE! WHY IS NOW IN THE DIRTY PILE!!! ARRRGHHG!" But there is so much more to it. I have been mentor, nurse, counselor, strong place to fall, sounding board, tutor, "domestic engineer" (ya like that one?) personal chief, financial analyst, project coordinator and more. All the while feeling so unfulfilled and unchallenged that I would end up alone at night, awake drinking and bitter. No friends around mind you. I did not want anyone to tell me how good I have things and throw it in my face that I was drinking it all away...
Often times the last think a drunk wants to hear is the simple truth. It is too hard to find an excuse for. This is my day one again. I do not know what the future holds for me. And while I know some here will be a bit wary when I say this but right now? I do not have a plan aside from picking my ass up and moving forward again. On Monday there are somethings I can start doing at the base close to us. There is employment assistants for dependents like me I have not taken advantage of for a myriad of reasons (self-loathing, doubt, isolation, negative thinking etc) But to be honest. I had enough of waking everyday and feeling like what is the damn point? Everything is so hard right now, everyone is in the same boat so just hunker down and weather the storm. It will get better eventually. While that might be true, it will not get better any faster with my sitting at home on my butt feeling sorry for myself.
I know this drinking and this mindset has taken a huge toll on me, it has damn near exhausted my wife. Who honestly? Is my best friend, the most amazing woman a man could know and the other half of my heart. I see how tired she is in her eyes, I see how lost she feels for simply not knowing what to do next. The stress of being the primary bread winner for these past years is wearing her down faster than it should. And with the uncertainty in our future, the stress is immense.
Right now? I sure as hell do not have the magic answer. I do not know how long it will take me to find work. But I do know a few things:
1. If I do not make a huge change and do it right now. I could loose not only my family but myself.
2. Drinking never EVER fixes a damn thing. It is a poison that steals your identity, it is a dark spiral into a place no sane person would ever willingly walk into.
3. I have been sad, depressed, isolated, and making every damn excuse I could find to stay there. Why? I have no idea. But that has to stop RIGHT NOW.
This is my day one again. There are few people I have met that endeavored to make a huge change in their lives that did not stumble from time to time and reevaluate the goal and why they are not getting there.
I dropped back into it all because it was too easy. But it let down my wife, it let down me, and I know my children as well.
This is my day one. I am doing this because if I don't give a damn about myself, no one else should. I am doing this because there is a better life out there for me. I simply have to be strong enough to see it. I am doing this because I no longer fear the change, I fear the emotions and what I will do to learn to deal with them again, but in that case? I believe a bit of fear is healthy. I am doing this for the simple fact that I have one life. I have wasted enough of it. There are wondrous opportunities a few steps away from me and I can see it, there is a happiness I have not know for a better part of my life right through the next door. There is a patients and acceptance that can and will temper my soul around the next corner. But I had be ready for it. I had to draw the line in the sand and shout "NO DAMN MORE OF THIS! I HAVE HAD IT!" And I have. I have had it. I want to wake up in the morning and smile at the reflection in the mirror. I want confident fire back to get out there and kick backside in the world again for me and for my family.
Sorry for such a long post, but I really needed to get it out. Thanks for reading. Stay tough everyone. If there is anyone in San Antonio that is having a hard time, let me know, PM me, send me a message. Heck if you need we can exchange numbers for when times get really tough.