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Well, so I am back....

Old 07-11-2013, 11:27 PM
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Well, so I am back....

I really started out so strong. I thought I had the idea on how to do it all right. But honestly? I was more wrong than I thought. I could call up the current job trend, I could point a finger at what it is to be a stay at home dad to a military spouse. But what it comes down to is excuses.

Who didn't have a ****** family? On the other hand who had the best parents ever and found themselves in the same place?

Did we all find the life that we wanted? I would be a dime a dozen we did not, but the booze numbs the edges of where we "thought" we would be. It gives us the crutch to point the finger.. " You did this to me! DAMNIT! It is your FAULT!" I had the best or worse chance, I had the dream life or the dreggs, but it is YOU! That phantom. That inescapable monkey that is holding you back.

So that is a bit up to speed on what has run through my mind as of late. A new place, an new town! It was all I wanted after our last base, from her deployments to the PCS's to her job and the isolation of it all. It would be a new chance! I could find a job there no problem! I damned near finished college. I have the experience! It is my time....

And then comes life. The job market has changed. A stay-at-home dad.. "Wow". If I only knew what came of that stigma on a resume. I would not for a moment change the time, the gift I had with both of my boys, but if my organs where just a bit different? It would have made it a bit easier.

( I will apologize now. This is an eclectic ramble to say the least. But to be honest? I have nowhere else to turn that I have found.)

For those of you that know my past, ( I am a bit of a noob here ), I will not bore you with the details.

The simple fact is I am back and I am looking for hope. My wife has a huge burden on her shoulders from thing that happened with her last deployment. She really might not make rank. And if she does not, we really do not know what we will do. I know she is looking at me to save it all, but I have no idea what to do.

From everything we have been through, from all the sacrifices, it has been a really long and lonely journey. We have both made some real mistakes in it all.

We learned that being honest on the job is not always the best way to be, but that also came at a price. We learned that being guarded whether you want to be or not could save your skin. While shanking our heads as those above her and me drank like fish and still got ahead in the military. But honestly, I guess that is neither here nor there.

I smoke too much. I still drink after a mere 4 days sober. I have no excuses for it. I could call it lonely, but who is not? I could call it " my rut ", but again, who is not there?

I only wish I could step out of this home-hubby role and back into another type of life. Balancing a life at home with an active military spouse taught me things that I do not know if you can learn anywhere else. It showed me a new level of delegation of skills and time management that I would honestly think would best some of the best fortune 500 CEOs.

You can never understand what fortitude means, you can never understand the percussiveness of what makes us human, what drives us to be better until you have acolicky a child that is crying for their mom that is 2000 miles away.

That is why I want to stop this, that is why I want to make it better. I have my own demons, my own issues that have put me here. But I do not want this anymore.

The best CEO's the best commanders, be it at all will tell you, they never did it all alone. They found the leaders, they acknowledged their strengths to better not only them, but those around them as well.

I am really tired of looking for them. I wish I had a better way to find them. Smart or not, my marriage is failing. My kids are my joy, but they see the beer every night. I might sleep in the bed with my wife, but she is not there.

The drastic change has to come from me, but to be honest? I have not seen the cards, let alone where they will lay.

That is really all I have to give or say.
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Old 07-12-2013, 04:49 AM
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I understand. I am on a journey of drastic change from within that started 6 months ago. I quit both my job and alcohol during that time. Luckily, my marriage is stable and my husband is supportive. But I still worry about our financial future. I am trying to figure out how to make money through my own efforts, whether writing or starting a new business. I absolutely do not ever want to have a job again. I only ever get **** on for doing my best.
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Old 07-12-2013, 05:05 AM
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I needed to get truly honest with myself and my problem, alcohol period. All else were situations. I went to AA before the internet and other programs were around. I didn't like a lot of what I heard about me by way of the speakers experiences and continued my way which never worked and was really insane when I thought I was normal. Finally I surrended and started following directions of the people not drinking. I learned a lot, like that alcohol is but the tip of the problem and I/we drink because of our miss handled feelings. It is a long learning process for someone who likes the easier short way for fixing things. I was told to keep coming and am grateful I did 30+ years later. BE WELL
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Old 07-12-2013, 05:39 AM
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SAHDs are sexy! Being a stay at home dad is awesome, and I hope you are not letting outmoded conventions get under your skin. FWIW, stay at home moms are not happy either. I am one, but I am back in school to get qualified for a job because I feel like a throwback to the Johnson administration LOL.

Stay at home dads are great because they get to be au-currant, evolved males who get to spend time with their kids. SAHDs are rebels who buck convention to take care of their families and be true providers, not just with a paycheck but with their time, love and attention.

There are so many kids who hardly see their dads because he works all the time. They do not understand nor care that he is out "providing." Times are different now, own your SAH status, put it on your resume with pride and if some sexist pig doesn't like it then f them and let them know!

Anyway, I know how hard it is not to pick up a wee little drink when you're playing LEGOs for the 3rd hour in a row. I get it. Do you have a plan for sobriety? Have you checked out AA or other methods?
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Old 07-12-2013, 09:53 AM
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Wow...

WhiteFeathers: That was truly a perspective I have rarely heard. But it just made my damn day. It has been pretty tough explaining why I have been out of the job market taking care of my family to potential employers. Most have looked at me like I was playing video games and slacking off for the past 5+ years. But in that time I have helped raise to really amazing young men, I went too school ( almost finished the degree, 10 classes left before the military moved us from Alaska to California and dealt with her long hours, a deployment and multiple TDY's.) And yet I did it all while dumping a 12 pack down my neck, every single night.

While the societal view of SAHD's might be off, I think it is my own that is more so. I have isolated myself into my home for more than a few years for some reason I cannot explain. I have taken myself worth and thrown it out the window. For way too long I have described myself as a glorified maid. But any stay at home parent has full right to kick me square in the ass for that statement.

Yes, there is a lot of cleaning... Let me say that again ALOT OF FRACKIN CLEANING THAT NEVER SEEMS TO END!!! " YOU ONLY USED THAT TOWEL ONCE! WHY IS NOW IN THE DIRTY PILE!!! ARRRGHHG!" But there is so much more to it. I have been mentor, nurse, counselor, strong place to fall, sounding board, tutor, "domestic engineer" (ya like that one?) personal chief, financial analyst, project coordinator and more. All the while feeling so unfulfilled and unchallenged that I would end up alone at night, awake drinking and bitter. No friends around mind you. I did not want anyone to tell me how good I have things and throw it in my face that I was drinking it all away...

Often times the last think a drunk wants to hear is the simple truth. It is too hard to find an excuse for. This is my day one again. I do not know what the future holds for me. And while I know some here will be a bit wary when I say this but right now? I do not have a plan aside from picking my ass up and moving forward again. On Monday there are somethings I can start doing at the base close to us. There is employment assistants for dependents like me I have not taken advantage of for a myriad of reasons (self-loathing, doubt, isolation, negative thinking etc) But to be honest. I had enough of waking everyday and feeling like what is the damn point? Everything is so hard right now, everyone is in the same boat so just hunker down and weather the storm. It will get better eventually. While that might be true, it will not get better any faster with my sitting at home on my butt feeling sorry for myself.

I know this drinking and this mindset has taken a huge toll on me, it has damn near exhausted my wife. Who honestly? Is my best friend, the most amazing woman a man could know and the other half of my heart. I see how tired she is in her eyes, I see how lost she feels for simply not knowing what to do next. The stress of being the primary bread winner for these past years is wearing her down faster than it should. And with the uncertainty in our future, the stress is immense.

Right now? I sure as hell do not have the magic answer. I do not know how long it will take me to find work. But I do know a few things:

1. If I do not make a huge change and do it right now. I could loose not only my family but myself.

2. Drinking never EVER fixes a damn thing. It is a poison that steals your identity, it is a dark spiral into a place no sane person would ever willingly walk into.

3. I have been sad, depressed, isolated, and making every damn excuse I could find to stay there. Why? I have no idea. But that has to stop RIGHT NOW.

This is my day one again. There are few people I have met that endeavored to make a huge change in their lives that did not stumble from time to time and reevaluate the goal and why they are not getting there.

I dropped back into it all because it was too easy. But it let down my wife, it let down me, and I know my children as well.

This is my day one. I am doing this because if I don't give a damn about myself, no one else should. I am doing this because there is a better life out there for me. I simply have to be strong enough to see it. I am doing this because I no longer fear the change, I fear the emotions and what I will do to learn to deal with them again, but in that case? I believe a bit of fear is healthy. I am doing this for the simple fact that I have one life. I have wasted enough of it. There are wondrous opportunities a few steps away from me and I can see it, there is a happiness I have not know for a better part of my life right through the next door. There is a patients and acceptance that can and will temper my soul around the next corner. But I had be ready for it. I had to draw the line in the sand and shout "NO DAMN MORE OF THIS! I HAVE HAD IT!" And I have. I have had it. I want to wake up in the morning and smile at the reflection in the mirror. I want confident fire back to get out there and kick backside in the world again for me and for my family.

Sorry for such a long post, but I really needed to get it out. Thanks for reading. Stay tough everyone. If there is anyone in San Antonio that is having a hard time, let me know, PM me, send me a message. Heck if you need we can exchange numbers for when times get really tough.
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