Thank you all for your responses. I do know that ultimatly it is my decision to make, to do what is right for me and my son. And some of you hit the nail on the head, I think of what I grew up with, and do not want that for my son, it's not okay for him to watch his dad kill himself. I am going to look into al-anon groups for myself, regardless of what lie I have to tell him to get there. I can't assume what I don't know, and maybe I can stop feeling so bad all the time. Thank you all, i am happy I found this place, I think it's maybe what I need to take the first steps to doing something for me.