When is it my turn..

Old 07-09-2013, 11:11 PM
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When is it my turn..

I'm new here, I'm not good with expressing myself, but I feel the need to vent...

When I watch my ABF drinking to excess on a random Tuesday night, or Wednesday night or every night for that matter; I ask myself, when is it my turn. To him, drinking is a great time, being drunk every night is his treat for working all day, or my favorite excuse, to put up with me everyday. I grew up with an AM who blamed me for her drinking, so I make sure ABF knows that reasoning is crap, and he is responsible for himself and his drinking. His drinking is not a good time for me, how can watching the love of my life, the father of my child destroy himself be a good time, it's not and this is why I have to ask myself over and over when is it my turn to be happy.

It wasn't always like this though, which is what hurts me most. 2 years ago, I drank with him, we had good times together without over doing it. When I became pregnant with our son is when things changed. I had no problem not drinking as I never was a big fan in the first place, but he started drinking more saying " well I wont be able to drink like this when the baby comes." So not only did he increase the amount he drank, but our son is now 15 months and i can count his sober days for the last few months on 1 hand. He was drunk the night I gave birth, even after I asked him not to because I was just about due (and yep, I drove myself, contractions and all).. We had this big plan to have all our future kids close together in age and get a bigger place, all the things I wanted (we wanted at the time), but now drinking is the number 1 priority. I don't even bother drinking anymore, he has literally made alcohol disgusting to me and he would accuse me of being a hypocrite for telling him not to drink, because i'd have 1 beer. He'll still "pick me something up" in case I change my mind (which of course is just back up for him). He even started throwing out bottles so I couldn't count them anymore. I gave up all my bad habits so that in my heart I knew I was doing everything possible to be here as long as I can for my son (I know 100% he is the reason that I breath everyday) I can't understand how ABF doesn't feel the same way, the drinking is appearently more important than being here for his son. I don't think it's fair that my only option would be to leave him, but at this point I'm so tired of caring anymore, it's hurting me with seemingly no effect on him. I guess I just want to say it sucks

So again, when is it my turn? When do I get to smile, to be happy, to plan my life, to achieve the things I want? Why can't my happiness include him? Why can't he see his problem as a problem, but instead let me carry his burden as my own? How can I make him see....
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Old 07-09-2013, 11:24 PM
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Welcome PrinMel. You cannot make him see. Put his burden down, it's not yours to carry. It sounds like you actually understand more than many of us do when we are first coming here - alcohol is his #1 priority and you sound like you are *almost* ready to focus on yourself (& your child) first. One of the first things I learned in coming to this site was the Three C's - you did not Cause it, you can not Control it, you can not Cure it. There is nothing you can do or say to him to make him quit drinking, only he can do that for himself.

What you can do is take care of yourself. Educate yourself about alcoholism, seek support through counseling and/or Al-Anon (I strongly recommend Al-Anon), and start taking care of you - figure out what you want in life and whether or not this it. It is hard, I know, I'm still trying to figure it out. The book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is a real eye-opener.

I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but I am glad you reached out for support & found us. Read the stickies at the top of the forum, stick around to read & post. More posters will be along to answer your questions.
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Old 07-10-2013, 07:43 AM
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It feels to me like if I walk out the door, I'm giving up on him. I love him and I'm gonna turn around and leave when he obviously needs someone to make sure that at the end of the day he is safe? That seems wrong to me.

I have looked up al-anon meetings every week for the lat 2 months, but have yet had the courage to go. Not only that but where do I tell ABF where I am going (they are all in the late evening, and I literally never go out, except to work, because of my social anxiety)? I can't tell him that's where I am going, I once told him I went to a mental health facility to get help with an addiction of mine at the time and he laughed at me and told me I was acting stupid, that I didn't need that because my problem wasn't that serious. So I certaintly don't want to tell him that I am going to al-anon, he gets mad enough when he knows I tell my dr. about his drinking, i'm sure he wouldn't want a room full of strangers to know either. So how did you go if you could not tell your SO. I am also a little scared that all that will happen there is people trying to convince me to leave ABF..

I feel like I am a turning point, where I need to either stay and deal with him and his issues, or leave and have my own life... I'm torn because I want both
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Old 07-10-2013, 07:56 AM
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To answer your question.

It is NEVER your turn.

Addiction is Always All About me.

I do not suppose I am telling you anything you are not already figuring out yourself?
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Old 07-10-2013, 08:26 AM
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Welcome PrinMel,

You don’t have addiction issues, it was easy for you to stop drinking, he can’t just do that, for you or your child…..it doesn’t work that way.

Often us codependents think they chose drink over love and family….it seems like that to us but we do not suffer from addiction and don’t understand it’s not really that kind of choice.

I am sorry you grew up with addiction where the blame was trying to be you but logically you know that is not the truth.

Maybe he can’t see his problem is a problem because he is living life on HIS terms, drinking it away while someone else (you) is there to take care of all the real important things (your son).

Until HE decides to address the issue, admit he has a problem then follow it up with some kind of action of a recovery plan……his disease will progress like it has that you’ve witnessed.

Would you be interested in al-anon? or seeking counseling for yourself?
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Old 07-10-2013, 09:42 AM
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First, breathe. You do not have to make any decisions immediately.

Al-Anon is about you, it is not about your ABF. Al-Anon can help you figure out how to live your own life whether or not you continue in the relationship with your ABF. It can help you learn to detach so his drinking does not affect you so much.

When starting Al-Anon, it is advised to commit to 6 meetings and to try different meetings groups to see what works for you. Generally speaking, Al-Anon members are not going to try to convince you of anything. They (& most here at SR) share knowledge through their own Experience, Strength, & Hope. You can share as much or as little as you want, you do not have to share your specific situation if you do not want to. There is a sticky at the top of the forum about going to Al-Anon that you may want to read.

Could you tell your ABF that you are seeking help for your social anxiety? Church or community meeting? Getting together with a girlfriend? Some groups have child care, and some would probably not mind the presence of a young child that cannot comprehend the discussion.

Many people here are in similar situations. We come here to share experiences, learn from others' experiences, and gather information. I understand your thoughts, the first thing I told my counselor was I love my husband and have no intention of ending our marriage. I also feel like I am the only person in my RAH's life that is aware of enough and cares enough to help him. However, I had to come to the realization there is nothing I can do to help him - he has to do that on his own. I still struggle with remaining strong in that realization. We currently live separately and I am minding my side of the street and am leaving him to mind his side. I am learning what I want in my life and that I will be okay with or without him. Please keep reading & posting.
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Old 07-10-2013, 12:33 PM
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PrinMel, I felt the same way you did. It was always about him, and never about me. Your question about when is it about you? The answer is NOW.

I have chosen to stay with my AH. He is getting help, recently relapsed but is committed again to recovery. But before that happened, I realized I couldn't do this any longer. I needed to laugh again, I needed to find myself, I needed to be free of this even if I wasn't free of him.

We each have our breaking points. Mine came when I felt like I couldn't breathe on my own any longer. We have two children, 13 years apart, and I felt like a single parent all over again. I couldn't do it. I decided to get counselling and al anon for myself. If I became a better person and he followed suit, then great. If not, I was still a better person for it.

My AH's recent relapse showed me how much I have grown. And because I was able to allow him to do what he had to do, and carry on with my life during it, he realized that I was serious about leaving this behind and he didn't want to be left behind. My counsellor said that can happen, that when the family starts to get better the A sometimes decides to also.

I always thought self-care was selfish, esp when A was really sick with his drinking. Every ounce of energy went to him and he demanded more. Now I realize it is selfish to NOT give myself self-care. I imagine I am my best friend, and when I am stumbling I give the same advice to myself as I would my best friend. i would try not to judge, I would try to be supportive and gentle, and I would tell her to take care of herself. and that's what you need to do to start.

Al anon will never tell you to leave your partner - they never told me what to do about anything. They just give you the tools, time and support to make the decision yourself. You don't need to decide right now. And as for leaving in the evenings for a meeting, could you say you have a late work mtg? Or are meeting a coworker for a project? I don't like to have AH looking over my shoulder either (altho he does have to babysit when I go)
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Old 07-10-2013, 12:57 PM
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You will get to have your turn when you decide you want to be happy n stop this madness for yourself before it's too late. It's not your place to make him see. The only person who can see the problem is you. He's blinded by alcohol.
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Old 07-10-2013, 02:27 PM
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Welcome to SR, PrinMel.

Originally Posted by PrinMel View Post
It feels to me like if I walk out the door, I'm giving up on him. I love him and I'm gonna turn around and leave when he obviously needs someone to make sure that at the end of the day he is safe? That seems wrong to me.
I felt the same way about AXH, but there were other issues that made my decision to leave necessary. You're the only one who knows what your situation is like and what steps your're able to take to keep your life and that of your little one on an even keel.

Keeping him safe.... He's an adult, not an infant.... What I do know is AXH was at a point where he was passing out on the couch nearly daily. He was drinking so much that every penny he earned went towards his habit. Towards the end, he never gave me any part of his paycheck to put towards the household expenses, and he often pulled out large amounts of money from the account that only my paycheck was deposited to. My point isn't the monetary value, it's that it is a _lot_ of alcohol. It's an incredibly dangerous amount.

Anything that happened to him as a result of being drunk could happen whether I was there or not. And I couldn't be with him 24/7 (taking care of DS, working a full-time job so we had at least part of one income to live on), so he'd have to keep himself safe or deal with the consequences.

I couldn't make AXH stop drinking. I couldn't keep him safe. I _could_ take steps to keep DS and I safe and make our lives better. It's up to you, PrinMel, what steps you take and when.
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Old 07-10-2013, 03:08 PM
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It will never be your turn if you're waiting on the A to change things. The first love of an A is alcohol. You will smile, be happy, plan your life, and achieve the things you want when YOU decide you're worth it. There is nothing you can do for him, it is his right to choose this path. You can't be there every day to save him from himself. As long as you do that, enable him in his disease, there is not much chance of recovery for him.

What about your child? You grew up with the disease, do you want that same future for your child? Or do you want to break the cycle, and give your son a chance at a healthy future. Your AH can't be there for his son, but you can. Plenty of AlAnon meetings have baby sitting. You need those meetings for you, and you certainly don't need his permission to attend. You are not his hostage, those meetings are to help you.
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Old 07-10-2013, 03:58 PM
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Check to see if there is a lunchtime meeting you could catch, maybe? I went to one, avoided the evening ones for the same reason as you, and I was glad I went. I didn't find any judgment there, just understanding. It's really worth it if you can manage it.

I'm so sorry this crap is in your life. Just take care of yourself and that baby as best you can. Do some reading, including the stickies at the top of the page, and anything of Melody Beattie's. Keep coming here. You will figure things out in your own time. You already instinctively know a lot of it. Take care.
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Old 07-10-2013, 06:58 PM
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Originally Posted by CarryOn View Post
Welcome PrinMel. You cannot make him see. Put his burden down, it's not yours to carry. It sounds like you actually understand more than many of us do when we are first coming here - alcohol is his #1 priority and you sound like you are *almost* ready to focus on yourself (& your child) first. One of the first things I learned in coming to this site was the Three C's - you did not Cause it, you can not Control it, you can not Cure it. There is nothing you can do or say to him to make him quit drinking, only he can do that for himself.

What you can do is take care of yourself. Educate yourself about alcoholism, seek support through counseling and/or Al-Anon (I strongly recommend Al-Anon), and start taking care of you - figure out what you want in life and whether or not this it. It is hard, I know, I'm still trying to figure it out. The book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is a real eye-opener.

I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but I am glad you reached out for support & found us. Read the stickies at the top of the forum, stick around to read & post. More posters will be along to answer your questions.
HELLO AND WELCOME! This person said it better than i ever could have. The burden is not yours. its his. its time you and your baby came first. you will get super support here!
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Old 07-10-2013, 08:18 PM
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Thank you all for your responses. I do know that ultimatly it is my decision to make, to do what is right for me and my son. And some of you hit the nail on the head, I think of what I grew up with, and do not want that for my son, it's not okay for him to watch his dad kill himself. I am going to look into al-anon groups for myself, regardless of what lie I have to tell him to get there. I can't assume what I don't know, and maybe I can stop feeling so bad all the time. Thank you all, i am happy I found this place, I think it's maybe what I need to take the first steps to doing something for me.
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Old 07-10-2013, 09:10 PM
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I can't assume what I don't know, and maybe I can stop feeling so bad all the time.
I used to assume myself into terrible places.
So, you already know it is not working and yes, you will stop feeling so bad

Thank you all, i am happy I found this place, I think it's maybe what I need to take the first steps to doing something for me.
I am glad you are here too!

Beth
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